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7/6/2007 c7 meller
thank you for updating! this is still a puzzle...who is arthur? why does he have all these strange people working for him? why does he want steve so much? who is that girl who was screaming? where are they at? is there...anything supernatural about this fic? i love the attention arthur gives steve. and how desperate he acted when he made him promise to stay with him forever. they def need more time together. please please update soon! don't worry about thinking your fic sounds stupid. i think it is quite brilliant! update soon...for me? :)
7/5/2007 c7 8Ishtani
Hmm, I totally can't wait to see what happens! Though, what is Arthur exactly? Other than a lunatic anyway. Twitch seemed...grateful to him? Hm, interesting.
7/5/2007 c7 magalina
Hey! That was fast! XD

I´m curious about Steven´s weird past now, too. And Twich is intriguing! I love this story... Was that REALLY Kayla? Were they really doing something bad to her? Okay, I know we all knew this but... Arthur is completely insane! I love him :P And where the heck are they? Aah! Can´t wait for the next chapter! :D
7/5/2007 c6 meller
pleasu update soon! i am very curious as to what is going to happen. lucas and his gf are stupid. she is the worst friend ever. if someone you care about is in danger you should do something instead of cowering. poor steve. arthur is...interesting.
6/28/2007 c6 5American Schokolade
Okay, I don't know what you're talking about-I really like this chapter. I especially like how very introverted Steven is-he's very calculating and thinking everything through, which I find realistic because, being in a tense situation, he would have a very clear mind like that. Adrenaline.

And I like Arthur even more. I've never quite read a character like him before. All the craziness is very intriguing-the way Arthur was talking about his people, it was almost like he had sort of a supernatural dominion over them, and turned them into his zombie-slaves, which automatically made me think VAMPIRE! But...then again, maybe not; it could go anywhere... Though there was that allusion to vampires with Kayla (Don't feel like looking back for the quote because I'm lazy, but it was something along the lines of "She told me it was cute how the vampire flirted with his victim"), so I don't know... Hmm...

Well, altogether, you've got a really great story here. You've claimed this one's better than Hypothetically Being, but...I don't know, it's a toss-up. This one's certainly more...unique.

I'm looking forward to reading more, though, so keep updating!
6/28/2007 c5 American Schokolade
Okay, here's another review and let me start by saying I hope that that last review doesn't sound as harsh as I'm thinking it does... =(

Anyway, for this chapter, I only have a few suggestions-first off, move all the stuff about the town he used to live in, the Diary Queen and his brother's leaving him out and everything, to a point after he's escaped to relative safety (maybe, for instance, when he's hiding in the bush). My point is, when you're scared (and, coming from one who's afraid of the dark, I know what it's like to be scared...), you feel absolutely nothing but fear. So, wayward thoughts like memories of his old home or animosity toward his brother only serve to distract emotions away from the horror because you're slipping new emotions in there.

Also, a good way to create horror is to shirk details. Just like letting fear be the single emotion, gloss over physical surroundings or little descriptions or any minutia, mainly because people don't notice such things when they're scared. Instead of describing how there's a fence that runs here to there, and homeless people come here, and everything, make it almost like a list. For example, as he was running, he went around a building, he ran across a field, he reached a fence-include only the details important because everything else Steven himself would have disregarded, if he were really afraid. Use shorter sentences to set a faster reading pace. Then, you can use his break moments (i.e. when he was hiding), when his wits catch up with him, to introduce the details. Anyway, I think the emotions came out better in this chapter, nonetheless.

I didn't think I'd like Arthur from his introduction in the hunting store, but this chapter has changed my mind since, apparently, he's evil. I thought he was a cliched goth-type character, but the fact that he's -actually- doing creepy stuff sets that off. Interesting... From your other story, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you can create a unique character, though.
6/28/2007 c4 American Schokolade
Okay, so I've gotten this far, but I feel as though I should comment on this chapter.

I don't think you introduced the whole bus-kidnapping thing very well. I don't think it was too detailed (if anything, it was almost too rushed), and I think it lacked flow. The point at which Lucas got punched in the face was so unceremonious, I almost missed it and had to reread that part to realize that it really happened and wasn't just Steven worrying about it happening. You need to build the suspense for that a bit more-that is the clincher, the moment when Steven would completely understand that this is not a joke, so it needs to be more of a gestalt.

Furthermore, I don't feel you properly set the mood for this to happen. Up until this chapter, the story had a very light, almost comic tone that was carried throughout all the chapters, and then-BAM! Something super-serious happens. I wasn't expecting it and I was left thinking, "What the hell?"

And for Lucas, I don’t think you paid his character enough attention at the beginning. I really liked him at first, and then all of a sudden he’s this racist, homophobic asshole for whom Steven has little regard. I find myself wondering if Lucas even knows Steven is gay (which I assumed he did; what with the way Steven’s dad reacted to the makeup on Steven’s face in the first chapter, I got the impression Steven’s sexuality was common knowledge in his family, but since Lucas is homophobic but hasn’t mentioned anything derogatory about it to Steven thus far, I’m not sure).

Steven’s reaction to his brother and Kayla, especially seemed a little off. It doesn’t matter if he didn’t like his brother—seeing him getting punched in the face, especially if they weren’t estranged, would have much more of an effect on him, or it would at least ignite the terror in him more. He also didn’t seem that hurt by Kayla’s betrayal, or as much as he should have been, if they were friends as long as he said they were.

Also, I always thought it would be easy to escape a bus as long as it were to slow down to a speed at which jumping from it is reasonable, which this bus did—as far as I know, most buses have at least a few emergency windows (the city buses I always rode had every window equipped with emergency release), as well as plenty of emergency exits that don’t lock (or at least they do where I live…). When I read the summary, as I’m not really one to pay attention to sub-genres, I thought it was a joke. But that’s all knit-picky stuff, so you can disregard it.

This all isn’t to say this chapter is bad—it’s just more muted than I would like. You could have used the light tone of the beginning to better enhance the horror of this chapter, but you didn’t introduce the horror all at once; it was almost as if you just added a bit of horror here and a bit there, so it was spread out and there was no crushing moment of doom. By the end of the chapter, I felt as though you finally got the emotions in there, but it should have happened before that.

However, I think this is a really original idea and has really good potential. Just work on getting those emotions in there and wording it in a way that better illustrates the terror.
6/28/2007 c6 blackrose214
wow, this is certainly interesting. I mean, the idea is very original and I like Steven - btw, in my opinion he`s detached enough. About Arthur: I admit that I`m slightly uncomfortable thinking about him. maybe because he`s so unpredictable? *shrugs* but it`s the same "uncomfortable" you get when watching a horro movie - you really would like to stop the movie but really can`t look away. ^^;

Anyway: I wonder how they`d ever end up together (which they obviously do, going from the beginning of the story) and I`m somewhat curious as to why they have that bus in the first plae and what they`re going to do with it...

You see: lot`s of questions, no answers - that practically screams "UPDATE!" ;P
6/28/2007 c6 5Curb Crasher
This is psychotic, but you knew that. It made me go, "Aww . . ." because it seems cute, in a wierd sense. And I haven't read something like this before.
6/25/2007 c6 Kidiu
Yay! I can't wait for the next chapter! I'm really looking forward to it! Update soon!
6/20/2007 c6 Oki3xDoki3
omfg Im freakin obsessed with this story! . Plz update and if you have time, can you email me the profiles of the charactes? I have an urge to do some fan art on me Deviantart. :D. I'm so now stalking you
6/14/2007 c6 ddz008
This story is so weird and creepy and so great. I love this first six chapters. I don't usually read horror stories unless they're as good at this one seems to be. I found this in some people favorite list and I had to read it. Everything is so intriguing and mysterious... Who is Arthur? What does he wants? Please, update soon! This is such an interesting story! :)
6/2/2007 c6 theskaboss
holy crap. this is scaring the SHIT out of me, haha! i totally just thought this was going to be a happy boy-gets-a-healthy-relationship story, but, wow. totally took me by surprise. (why did i not bother looking at the genre? ha.) god, please, please update soon. i'm dieing of suspense here.

also, i hope you don't kill off steven because that's a bastard thing to do when writing in first person, and i would be so friggin devastated.

anyway, i could go on for a while about how totally fantastic it is to have a horror yaoi story (and a REALLY creepy one, at that), especially considering they're so rare, and about how quickly i've become attached to steven, etc., but i don't think you'd appreciate such a long review. thank you so, so much for this great story! :D
6/1/2007 c6 52Liviania
I love stories that are different. You've created a terribly creepy situation and Steve is an interesting character in it. I loved that he could keep his head but he was still dumb enough to trust the first person to walk along. Definitely a realistic mistake . . .

6/1/2007 c6 8Ishtani
Holy hell, I love this story...and I have no idea why I haven't reviewed yet. But this story is so great and Arthur is totally fucking insane...but I suppose his hottnes makes up for it...maybe. Poor Steven, I want to hug him. Please update as soon as humanly possible! *huggles*
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