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for When Worlds Collide, They Do Not Shatter

3/1/2010 c4 B-Dooliie
i loved this one. i loved the title and the implication it gave about what happened and how sad and hollow it made me feel. at first i thought it would be sort of a joke about heroes but it was... raw.

like this line "He had lived there, loved there, lost there, and found it there once more in that strange world." it touched everythig in life, and was accented nicely by "...tender tones of gray."

just, god, nothing more to say except it makes me so sad to imagine the poor man going endlessly between the two worlds.
3/1/2010 c2 B-Dooliie
hm, reading over again to see what i have to say. okay, so

i love "...long silences where mood and breath interwined and a stroke of a nail along his shoulder imparted more answers than words ever could." this sounds like love to me. it gives such a smoky warm tone and makes me think of red cupids bow lips and curved eyelashes.

but then comes "But that was before the dream." i don't like this line. i feel like it is too abrupt and doesn't fit the mood very well. even if it was to change up the feel and intro into the next paragraph i think it could be better. the next paragraph is sort of sharp and lovely, while that line just feels interuptive. im trying to picture as part of the paragraph before it, and i think it works better (to me, but of course this is your story).

"..., a jeweled scarlet," when describing his dream heart was great. the jewelled made me think of hard diamond and so made think bloody, hardened, cold hearted. was nice, was nice.

hhm, opening your heart to a mirror. not sure i understand that, to be honest. maybe seeing yourself clearly, the good and the bad? hm. not sure.

over all i liked this and there were some lines i loved, but to be honest i didn't love it. i dont really know why, it just didn't hit me.

thanks for writing!
3/1/2010 c1 B-Dooliie
okay, i read up to chapter 5, but i've come back b/c this really deserves reviews. i'll try to be constructive and helpful and not just in awe. k,

alright, the third line, "He lived in a world...in a world without colour." really hit me. i read it over about 6 times, sort of trying to fit my head around it and build it up into something more than words that sound cool together.

next line, "She buried her nails..." just really made me think of a young girl, bags under her eyes, desperate to be happy, and just missing.

"His fingers swell and blacken and all expect that he will lose them, but he wakes up one morning and crushes a stone to ash." alright, this one. i dont really feel much from this one, to be honest. it just didn't affect me, and i didn't really understand what it meant or signified.

"She is fleet of foot... enough for them to see." just, perfect. don't know what you are going to do with it, but it reminds me of Jade in sixth grade who was much more beautiful than the blonde JC because she always gave everyone intent attention and encouragement and energy. and it reminds me of a bitchy girl in my grade 10 class who never lets you know if she's being mean or kidding.

"The crows pick... left in the gutter." loved this one. gives me such a vivid image and mood and the tone was brilliant and shone out of the 20 words you used.
1/17/2009 c4 2dragonflydreamer
Okay, I'm confused. I noticed you reused the first line, so I went back to the beginning and noticee that it reused other lines...so is the beginning a mix of the different stories? If so, very creative idea! It gives a sample of the writing and introduces the reader to the premise.

I also liked the originality of this one. The surface of this is something overlooked in a lot of fantasy, and you expanded it well. I also get the impression that your words had a deeper meaning, though I'm not quite grasping it ^^;

Lovely collection you have here. I'd love to read more if/when you ever update :D

~Brought to you by the Review Marathon (link in profile)
1/17/2009 c3 dragonflydreamer
Wow, very interesting topic. It's so far from the original line that I can tell you put a lot of thought into it.

I loved the last line. The simplicity and seclusion if it perfectly emphasizes your meaning.
1/17/2009 c2 dragonflydreamer
I wish you emboldened the line. At first glance, it almost looked like FP repeated your first line.

Again, wonderful descriptions, particularly given the subject of romance. The genre is used to death on this site, but you certainly shed a new light on it.

[Love to him had been long silences where mood and breath intertwined and the stroke of a nail along his shoulder imparted more answers than words ever could] My favorite line.
1/17/2009 c1 dragonflydreamer
Very creative idea. I find it interesting how you can pick out a sentence from a written work and make it mean a completely different thing that the original story.

I also love your description. They're so vivid and creative.

[He lived in a world where the rain was blue and snow fell up from the ground to the sky and no one ever questioned it until he landed upside down in a world without color] That was my favorite one. It really makes you think.

I'm not sure if this was intentional, but almost every sentence starts with a noun. It created a sort of rhythm for a while, but about halfway through it just got repetative.

~Brought to you by the Review Marathon (link in profile)
5/4/2008 c4 3Eternity Memory
Your sentences and passages are so strange...I love the imagery they inspire. I'll have to watch this one.
12/16/2007 c1 65Nemonus
Very good. Very depressing, but each line is poignant and there are themes that run through them. Some of the sentences, such as "The storm tosses the ship and crews beseech the gods to take their bodies from the gulls to white sanded beaches and soft yellow skies." are overlong, but they are the exceptions to the fine rhythms. I think my favorite phrase is "the last invisible man left in the world." (there, though, I think that the word 'left' is optional.) There are fantastic concepts throughout.
7/17/2007 c1 half-sketched.staccatos
konnichi wa

I don't know how to describe this because it's just so outstanding. I can tell you one thing: I've never read anything like it before. This is absolutely amazing! *favs* Wonderful job!


3/10/2007 c1 she smolders
Just one line, can affect me too. I like this a lot.
3/8/2007 c1 25MacNWoody
wow, this has a sucker punch...and I still don't know what it means! but the imagery is so potent...good job!
2/15/2007 c1 10manasa-dong
Very exquisite. They all stand alone very well, and all come together just as beautifully. I love the wording and imagery very much.

Isn't this a story in itself? Infinitely more meaningful, thought provoking, and beautiful than if you had written it as a "story". It wasn't that you didn't know how to write it, you knew how to not write it.
2/11/2007 c1 57Xerophyte
Oh wow. I love this so much...it's simply amazing. It seemed a bit disjointed in a few places, but it all comes together at the end. I just can't get over how much I love this!


It is truly amazing where you can go from one good line...
2/8/2007 c1 Femaleking
Wow. This is just amazing. I've never seen something written like this before and probably not everyone could make it work, but you did. It's like you opened little windows to worlds where we can see only a small detail and not the whole picture, but those details are beautiful by themselves. I love this line:

'Eyes burned with fiery tears and eyelashes sizzled when they ran down her cheeks'

It's just unexpected. You're a really talented writer. ^^

(Saves story to favourites)

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