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12/13/2008 c1 6kosovka
Hi, this is Kosovka,

You reviewed "Tick Tock" one of the stories I wrote, and I wanted to thank you for your feedback and look you up. I love this diary story. The only issue I would note is the past to present tense confusion at the beginning when the girl is talking to her stubbern father. All else was nicely gorry! I'm wondering if there's more to the story, because I'm eager to find out what happens next!

Great work!
2/22/2007 c1 7Sonnet Lacewing
This is a really good start.

You have pieces of a fascinating tale here. Your sentences come out a bit rough and jerky though. It started to get smoother as you went on, but the beginning needs some work. Specifically, what you're lacking is character identification. We [readers] need to connect with Katrine and feel instant sympathy for her quest. I also think you chose to start the story in the wrong spot and by that I mean, Katrine already has the book, is in her comfy bed and is deciding to open the pages. It would be better to start with a bit more energy - how she found it if it happens to sound cool, or by the discovery of words that send a chill up your spine. Examples:

1. "Give it back!" Katrine demanded of her brother, who only held the china doll higher. She was too old for dolls now, but this one was special - the last her Grandmother had given her before she passed away.

"Make me!" David returned sassily. She promptly ploughed her fist into his gut with all the strength she could muster. David coughed and hurled the doll toward the window. Katrine instantly dived after it, fearing it would break. She caught it barely, rather like a baseball player sliding into base in the nick of time. She felt her elbow scrape the hardwood floor, and a loose board tilted under the weight of her knee.

"Jerk!" she yelled back at her brother, but he had not seen her spectacular save. He'd left the doorway. She set the doll on the window seat and turned to look at the floor where the loose floor board was still angled oddly. Katrine pried it up and found a small stash of items that must have been precious to someone: a badly broken doll much like the one she'd just caught, a candle, a tiny jewel box that played "Let Me Call You Sweatheart" when opened, and a very old and dirty book. The last item seemed to draw her, and she lifted it, brushing dirt from its cover. The words, "My Diary" were visible now, embossed in gold metallic ink on the light blue binding.

Katrine could not say why she opened it. The time-yellowed pages emitted a musty acrid odor...


2. Katrine blinked, staring at the yellowed pages of the diary in shock. The World is unfair, and unfair people should be eliminated, and that is what I spend my free time doing. The message, written in shaky, unfamiliar writing seemed almost a confession of something too sinister to comprehend. Katrine felt a shock of fear stab at her heart - despite the fact that the diary wore every sign of age: fragile yellowed pages, the thick scent of mildew from a creaking spine, a layer of dust topping each page. Inexplicably, she glanced around her, half expecting some horrible beast to jump out of her closet to devour her. She was being foolish; she'd found the diary beneath a loose floor board in her bedroom, and it could hardly be an omen of threat after so many years. She had flipped it open at random and that phrase had leaped out at her merely by coincidence.

Then a vague memory of a story she'd heard about her home drifted across her mind; there had been a girl who lived in this house before and some mystery surrounding her. Katrine screwed up her face as she wracked her brain for details, but she did not know what had happened...

In both cases, the reader is automatically drawn in because the mystery becomes personal. However, you will note that these examples still incorporate your plot and main character, because those are very, very good. I imagine you to be one of those story tellers who keeps friends around a campfire hanging on your every word. The set up is masterful. You have devised a mystery delivered in an every day object, a chilling story that is incomplete about someone who once lived in Katrine's home, and the hint of witchcraft plaguing Katrine each time she closes her eyes.

Consequently,I can't wait to read more. I'm also adding you to my favorite authors list.
1/31/2007 c1 7SapphireEmerald
I find the use of the diary and her dreams to be very effective. It gave the feeling of disturbance and chill. Especially when you changed a dream from being beautiful and lively to something horrid and dull. Good job.
1/31/2007 c1 12Typhoid Mary
very creepy, i like the detailed descriptions of the garden. The only error that was noticable was during her second dream

She walked over to the pond and the water, one clear and full of life

may want to fix that, no big deal tho. Very well written, hope you update soon
1/30/2007 c1 11cobaine
Very good. Creepy. Your acute descriptions made my stomach squirm, bravo! :) Kepp writing.

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