for Once in a Blue Moon4/14/2007 c5 Luicia and the voices
another nice chapter and once again, you need to make a new paragraph when someone new speaks lol :3
“Maybe my speculations where right.”
where and were. Where is where someone is, like a location or like "Where are we?" where is the location. Were on the other hand is like past tense. like if you were comenting on something to a friend. "Those peaches were awful!" or "Why were you at that haunted house?" it is um, past tense-ish... ack i suck at explaining things =.=" but i hope you get the idea...
i just ranted...great... okay back to the original thing that i was doing...
“Maybe my speculations where right.”
Did you mean...
"Maybe my speculations were right."?
lol. Anyway this is still a nice chapter! Zombies eh? hmm, i would've have thought a were wolf or vampire so this is a nice twist! ...
But i do not recall you saying anything about 1 year in a coffin...uh... ANYWAY i might have missed it so dont worry :3
grandma tellin a story? yay! lol
Keep writing! and remember for a new paragraph/line thingy when a new person speaks! XXDD
~lu
another nice chapter and once again, you need to make a new paragraph when someone new speaks lol :3
“Maybe my speculations where right.”
where and were. Where is where someone is, like a location or like "Where are we?" where is the location. Were on the other hand is like past tense. like if you were comenting on something to a friend. "Those peaches were awful!" or "Why were you at that haunted house?" it is um, past tense-ish... ack i suck at explaining things =.=" but i hope you get the idea...
i just ranted...great... okay back to the original thing that i was doing...
“Maybe my speculations where right.”
Did you mean...
"Maybe my speculations were right."?
lol. Anyway this is still a nice chapter! Zombies eh? hmm, i would've have thought a were wolf or vampire so this is a nice twist! ...
But i do not recall you saying anything about 1 year in a coffin...uh... ANYWAY i might have missed it so dont worry :3
grandma tellin a story? yay! lol
Keep writing! and remember for a new paragraph/line thingy when a new person speaks! XXDD
~lu
4/14/2007 c4 Luicia and the voices
THAT SICK SONNOFABITCH! that is truly disgusting. so disgusting that i will not say it. nice chapter though. once again you need to make a new paragraph everytime a new person speaks. :) is she a vampire? O.o I'm hooked!
THAT SICK SONNOFABITCH! that is truly disgusting. so disgusting that i will not say it. nice chapter though. once again you need to make a new paragraph everytime a new person speaks. :) is she a vampire? O.o I'm hooked!
4/14/2007 c3 Luicia and the voices
okay, try to start a new paragraph whenever someone new speaks like...
"Hey how's it goin' Bob?" Bill asked. Bob frowned,
"Not too good now that you're here..."
This is so that the chapter is easier to read and so that readers can see better who is talking and so the chapters Not all jumbled up in one big mess.
and when you're using numbers under one hundred, use letters not numbers. (I just figured that out lol)
otherwise i say that it's a nice chapter! Kudos!
~lu
okay, try to start a new paragraph whenever someone new speaks like...
"Hey how's it goin' Bob?" Bill asked. Bob frowned,
"Not too good now that you're here..."
This is so that the chapter is easier to read and so that readers can see better who is talking and so the chapters Not all jumbled up in one big mess.
and when you're using numbers under one hundred, use letters not numbers. (I just figured that out lol)
otherwise i say that it's a nice chapter! Kudos!
~lu
4/14/2007 c2 Luicia and the voices
The prologue is amazing!i love it! this is amazinG! The first line gets you hooked almost instantaneously!
The prologue is amazing!i love it! this is amazinG! The first line gets you hooked almost instantaneously!
4/1/2007 c1 
1Loupgaroux
A very interesting story. The prolouge was an excellent consept in and of itself. A very unique idea. However (I am only being this critical becuase of your request) there were several spelling errors. The most prominant, was a confusion of the words where and were. I noticed this throughout(u also spelled the word "Prophet" as "Profit"). Also you might consider slowing the story down, just a bit, so as to allow the reader to absorb information at a more managable pace, especially when introducing a factor as crucial as "limbo".
These few flaws aside, your story was quite enjoyable, even spine tingling at times. It was the first ficpress story I have truly liked in months. Keep up the good work.
1LoupgarouxA very interesting story. The prolouge was an excellent consept in and of itself. A very unique idea. However (I am only being this critical becuase of your request) there were several spelling errors. The most prominant, was a confusion of the words where and were. I noticed this throughout(u also spelled the word "Prophet" as "Profit"). Also you might consider slowing the story down, just a bit, so as to allow the reader to absorb information at a more managable pace, especially when introducing a factor as crucial as "limbo".
These few flaws aside, your story was quite enjoyable, even spine tingling at times. It was the first ficpress story I have truly liked in months. Keep up the good work.
2/2/2007 c1 Cannibal-Lovely
Looks interesting.
I hope you put up your next chapter soon, I look forward to reading it.
Looks interesting.
I hope you put up your next chapter soon, I look forward to reading it.
2/1/2007 c1 7SapphireEmerald
The prologue is absolutely wonderful. I look forward to reading the first chapter of your story.
7SapphireEmeraldThe prologue is absolutely wonderful. I look forward to reading the first chapter of your story.
2/1/2007 c1 An-Author-At-Heart
Hm... nice prologue! Sounds pretty interesting, I'm curious to find out how the rest will be like. The concept's interesting too. Suggestions? Not too many, though just to let you know, no matter what the context or belief "God" is always put with a capital letter, and is it actually Time Robin? I don't know, at first I thought it might actually mean Tim Robin, but if it's actually Time, then yeah, that's unique. Other than that this looks good.
Hm... nice prologue! Sounds pretty interesting, I'm curious to find out how the rest will be like. The concept's interesting too. Suggestions? Not too many, though just to let you know, no matter what the context or belief "God" is always put with a capital letter, and is it actually Time Robin? I don't know, at first I thought it might actually mean Tim Robin, but if it's actually Time, then yeah, that's unique. Other than that this looks good.
2/1/2007 c1 37TaltushMeiMei
(I'm not usually interested in prologues, but you misspelled a word in your brief of the story. It's "phrase" not "frase".)
37TaltushMeiMei(I'm not usually interested in prologues, but you misspelled a word in your brief of the story. It's "phrase" not "frase".)