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for Maccaroni Dreams

2/20/2007 c1 3horse237
It was so true, it hurt.

(But I hope you don't think all life is that depressing.)
2/4/2007 c1 51Kusje
Interesting title, I didn't expect to see what I read from that title, but it surprised me in a good way.
2/3/2007 c1 55ronshaberry
Hello! Well, I'd just like to say this is pretty awesome. You've got some really good images and phrases in here - macaroni dreams... just three words. I love Peter Pan! Well, I'm moving on to constructive criticism. If you don't like constructuve criticism, just skip the next paragraphs. :D

Okay, so try and abandon at least some of the parentheses. I used to use parentheses very liberally too, but somebody (Angabel, if you want to check her out) told me that usually if something is in parentheses, it usually means that's it is just an afterthought and therefore trivial/less important. So you could maybe either get rid of the things in the parentheses all-together or just get rid of the parentheses themselves.

Another thing... "Through innocent eyes/so brown and wide" is kind of not so good of a way to start the poem. You have some pretty strong images in here, and if you want to keep the reader's attention long enough to get the big bang, you have to start just as strong. I'm sorry if you don't want to hear this, but those lines are kind of cliche. I mean, I love the idea of brown, wide, innocent eyes, but too many people have said it in that way. So I'm thinking that you could make that image a bit more unique. That's something you could think about. I mean, I seriously trust in your ability as a writer to perk up something that might come off as cliche.

I like the construction paper bit, but you should probably abandon the part about the pieces of your heart that remain... that's also a cliche that you might try to steer clear of. I don't really like the repetition of "long" in "long, long ago." In fact, I kind of don't like the phrase in general. It reminds me too much of "Once upon a time ago" or "Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away". That sort of thing, you know? You could try and adjust it a bit. I know you're trying to evoke the feeling that the person and those happy days are so much in the past, but I'd feel for it more if you used less vague, over-used words.

Another tip I have for you that I picked up from another writer (Midnight in Eden, if you want to check him/her out) is that if you are going to use punctuation, use it consistently throughout the poem. You could perhaps add a period after "heart)" (Line 6); capitalize "reminiscing" (Line 7); capitalize "back" (Line 11). Those are a few of the things that you failed to keep grammatically correct.

Also, some of the ways you word things are a little awkward. I don't want to point anything out, but try reading it out loud to either yourself or somebody else (a basic tip) and seeing if you can tweak the wording to make the flow better.

So those are just some things you could look at. Please, please, please don't see this review as a flame or a blow to your dignity/ego/pride. Like I said, I think you've got a lot of potential as a writer. You definitely seem to care very much about writing and seem pretty intent on being a good writer. So I want to help you, because I think you'd appreciate it. And like I said, I trust entirely in your ability as a poet to improve and strengthen this poem, as well as your style overall. Hopefully I was of help!
2/3/2007 c1 31poemkitten7
Aw, this is so pretty. I love how it's so original. Even with its sad vibe, it's still very cute. =] -Sara
2/3/2007 c1 Love in the Roses logged out
Oh, wow. This is beautifully bittersweet and it's charming in its innocence. I loved the Peter P. reference: forever, but not really.

Great job.

2/2/2007 c1 vague shadow
^_^ I liked it. It had a charming and yet, profound, image. I liked the title as well. Very original.

2/2/2007 c1 58ChildeOfChaos
So bittersweet, I love the title. Sometimes having to grow up really sucks doesn't it? Nice write.
2/2/2007 c1 5ce n'est pas que je m'appelle
WOW this is beautiful. You know what sucks? My peterpan left too. lol


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