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for Drowning

2/2/2007 c1 177notated descant
I'd say this is a very well-written piece, but two parts in this piece stood out positively for me.

The first was the line in the parentheses in the second stanza: "(trying to be deep but all you ever were was shallow)", which I think really portrays the narrator's relationship with this person as fake and possibly leading to this self-destructiveness.

Also, the last stanza really gave a sense of closure: "For/my eyelashes touch my wet cheeks/and stick/for the last time". Wonderful!

Improvement? I suppose I'll have to be a bit picky here. Although I know the word-processing document might correct this automatically, I think that sentences running onto different lines are a lot better presented if the continuing part of the sentence isn't capitalized (for example, instead of "And all I can hear is the buzz of liquor/In my head", consider "And all I can hear is the buzz of liquor/in my head")

Thats all I really have to say. Honestly, it was a raw, emotive, well-written poem. Good job!

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