for MISERICORD: A Dark Superhero Story3/7/2007 c7 S.S. Dailey
Now Alice I feel like I can connect to. In the two chapters she has been in I have gotten to see a lot of her personality by the way she speaks and carries herself.
Whereas the MC still feels like a stranger. Then again, it could just be me but I believe that readers should be able to connect to the MC.
S.S. Dailey
Now Alice I feel like I can connect to. In the two chapters she has been in I have gotten to see a lot of her personality by the way she speaks and carries herself.
Whereas the MC still feels like a stranger. Then again, it could just be me but I believe that readers should be able to connect to the MC.
S.S. Dailey
3/7/2007 c6 S.S. Dailey
Ouch...poor Alice. You know that picture is consuming a lot of chapters. I'm wondering what will happen next. Hm...interesting.
S.S. Dailey
Ouch...poor Alice. You know that picture is consuming a lot of chapters. I'm wondering what will happen next. Hm...interesting.
S.S. Dailey
3/7/2007 c5 S.S. Dailey
I wonder if there is any way to run from all of the baggage of the Job. It's rather similar to empathy...emotions are hard to run from.
S.S. Dailey
I wonder if there is any way to run from all of the baggage of the Job. It's rather similar to empathy...emotions are hard to run from.
S.S. Dailey
3/7/2007 c4 S.S. Dailey
Good...something outside of the Job, though the entire chapter is still focused on the Job. But I would still like to get to know the MC better. I can't even remember what he looks like or what his name is. It would also be interesting to see how he interracts with other 'normal' people, and not just the victims of the Job.
S.S. Dailey
Good...something outside of the Job, though the entire chapter is still focused on the Job. But I would still like to get to know the MC better. I can't even remember what he looks like or what his name is. It would also be interesting to see how he interracts with other 'normal' people, and not just the victims of the Job.
S.S. Dailey
3/7/2007 c3 S.S. Dailey
This is an interesting 'superhero' story. I just have to wonder about referring to both the person and the action as the Job. I would think that there would be more than one term for it. It also feels like you could dig into the main character's mind a little more. Every time we read about him, he is out on the Job. I would like to be able to connect with him outside of his 'superhero' duties.
S.S. Dailey
This is an interesting 'superhero' story. I just have to wonder about referring to both the person and the action as the Job. I would think that there would be more than one term for it. It also feels like you could dig into the main character's mind a little more. Every time we read about him, he is out on the Job. I would like to be able to connect with him outside of his 'superhero' duties.
S.S. Dailey
2/19/2007 c3 Aleister Lee Crow
The only things that bother me hear are a few odd bits that seem inconsistent. First, I don't know what kind of home the Zebraman lives in, but keyholes generally can't be seen through unless the door is more than half a century old before modern tumblers were invented. On a similar note, there's a mention of a stairwell near the end of the chapter while the beginning implies that the Zebraman owns his own house. The Zebraman's constant stutter also contradicts his supposedly "Zen" attitude; if he's in a state of calm, why is he stuttering? If he's supposed to have some kind of speech defect, you may want to mention it; if not, you may want to re-examine the dialog. Just a few things that caught me as odd.
The only things that bother me hear are a few odd bits that seem inconsistent. First, I don't know what kind of home the Zebraman lives in, but keyholes generally can't be seen through unless the door is more than half a century old before modern tumblers were invented. On a similar note, there's a mention of a stairwell near the end of the chapter while the beginning implies that the Zebraman owns his own house. The Zebraman's constant stutter also contradicts his supposedly "Zen" attitude; if he's in a state of calm, why is he stuttering? If he's supposed to have some kind of speech defect, you may want to mention it; if not, you may want to re-examine the dialog. Just a few things that caught me as odd.
2/19/2007 c2 Aleister Lee Crow
Another good chapter but you use a few too many cliches, like "It’s going to be one of those nights" and "here’s the million-dollar question." Your narrator also lacks a certain level of humanity; at times, it feels as though I'm reading about a sociopath rather than someone truly disturbed by his actions and the nature of his "Job" as you seem to be going for. You setting also comes off as rather bleak an uninteresting due to the minimalistic approach you take to both detail and the narrator's internalization. You've done a lot to develop the character, though, which is very nice, though I think he could be a bit more sympathetic.
Another good chapter but you use a few too many cliches, like "It’s going to be one of those nights" and "here’s the million-dollar question." Your narrator also lacks a certain level of humanity; at times, it feels as though I'm reading about a sociopath rather than someone truly disturbed by his actions and the nature of his "Job" as you seem to be going for. You setting also comes off as rather bleak an uninteresting due to the minimalistic approach you take to both detail and the narrator's internalization. You've done a lot to develop the character, though, which is very nice, though I think he could be a bit more sympathetic.
2/19/2007 c7 
4Imalefty
what a twist! this story is getting more and more intriguing as it goes... i couldn't have predicted this. definitely makes for an interesting story.
it does look like he's got another "Job" on his hands... a different one from before, though. can't wait to see where you go with this.
oh, and on the chapter about happy endings - reminds me of valentines day. written well - a new take on the romantic comedy. (which, i must admit, i am such a fan of...) great job! keep writing!
-Lefty
4Imaleftywhat a twist! this story is getting more and more intriguing as it goes... i couldn't have predicted this. definitely makes for an interesting story.
it does look like he's got another "Job" on his hands... a different one from before, though. can't wait to see where you go with this.
oh, and on the chapter about happy endings - reminds me of valentines day. written well - a new take on the romantic comedy. (which, i must admit, i am such a fan of...) great job! keep writing!
-Lefty
2/14/2007 c1 Aleister Lee Crow
An interesting beginning though it seems to me that the concept is somewhat flawed. As you clearly know already, empathy is the ability to feel and experience the emotion of another, but pain - physical not mental pain - isn't an emotion but a nervous reaction. If the hero felt only an empathic connection, he would feel the emotions associated with pain, but not the pain itself since, from a anatomical and physiological standpoint, pain and emotion are controlled by different mechanisms (pain by chemical signals through the nervous system and emotion by the concentration of neurochemicals within the brain). However, this need not be that much of a problem considering the extent of the protagonist's powers are so vaguely defined; it seems more an issue of the definition of the word "empathy" and its application here. Meh, maybe I'm being too picky.
Other than that, I don't have much to say. Intriguing beginning, and very well told overall.
An interesting beginning though it seems to me that the concept is somewhat flawed. As you clearly know already, empathy is the ability to feel and experience the emotion of another, but pain - physical not mental pain - isn't an emotion but a nervous reaction. If the hero felt only an empathic connection, he would feel the emotions associated with pain, but not the pain itself since, from a anatomical and physiological standpoint, pain and emotion are controlled by different mechanisms (pain by chemical signals through the nervous system and emotion by the concentration of neurochemicals within the brain). However, this need not be that much of a problem considering the extent of the protagonist's powers are so vaguely defined; it seems more an issue of the definition of the word "empathy" and its application here. Meh, maybe I'm being too picky.
Other than that, I don't have much to say. Intriguing beginning, and very well told overall.
2/13/2007 c1 3alivingcompulsion
Great first chapter, it immediately grabs your attention. Also, i love how there are slight unexplained instances that keep you guessing also. I will definately read the next chapters later on.
3alivingcompulsionGreat first chapter, it immediately grabs your attention. Also, i love how there are slight unexplained instances that keep you guessing also. I will definately read the next chapters later on.
2/12/2007 c5 4Imalefty
awesome chapter. i must say, you have a fantastic way of making the words flow and blend. images are wonderful.
the topic is still really great to think about - is he a hero or is he not? are the people he's punishing evil and do they deserve to be punished? so good. XD
anyway, please do continue. this is a great idea, and your writing only adds to it.
-Lefty
4Imaleftyawesome chapter. i must say, you have a fantastic way of making the words flow and blend. images are wonderful.
the topic is still really great to think about - is he a hero or is he not? are the people he's punishing evil and do they deserve to be punished? so good. XD
anyway, please do continue. this is a great idea, and your writing only adds to it.
-Lefty
2/11/2007 c1 13Terrance Riverdarb
I guess you don't need me to tell you how good I think this is...so far. You probably are looking for constructive critique.
Well, no critique so far, but let me just commend the things I like: Line 1...very nice hook. Hands down.
And hey, remember in that review you gave me and told me less tell and more show, basically? (I've been told that before, even stole someone's phrase for it). Well, you can really show. The evening air cuts through the stench of urine but does nothing to diminish it, like a knife gliding through mud. - not the best example, but I'm kinda in a rush here so I can't comb over for the best one.
It's kind of intoxicating too. In a gritty way (oi, I'm being just the kind of reviewer that authors really should hate). The whole thing has this harsh feel to it, I don't know if it's that alone, or also the way it's written then leaves my with a marginal tinge of awe.
That said, good first chapter. I really want to read more, but I can't tonight because I have 2 big deadlines to meet for school (next monday, and the tuesday in the week after), and I want to get out of the red.
Oh...mind my manners, thanks very much for the review you left me. I've been working on my writing style a lot, even though my improvements seem to become more and more marginal. I'll be mindful of you suggestions
13Terrance RiverdarbI guess you don't need me to tell you how good I think this is...so far. You probably are looking for constructive critique.
Well, no critique so far, but let me just commend the things I like: Line 1...very nice hook. Hands down.
And hey, remember in that review you gave me and told me less tell and more show, basically? (I've been told that before, even stole someone's phrase for it). Well, you can really show. The evening air cuts through the stench of urine but does nothing to diminish it, like a knife gliding through mud. - not the best example, but I'm kinda in a rush here so I can't comb over for the best one.
It's kind of intoxicating too. In a gritty way (oi, I'm being just the kind of reviewer that authors really should hate). The whole thing has this harsh feel to it, I don't know if it's that alone, or also the way it's written then leaves my with a marginal tinge of awe.
That said, good first chapter. I really want to read more, but I can't tonight because I have 2 big deadlines to meet for school (next monday, and the tuesday in the week after), and I want to get out of the red.
Oh...mind my manners, thanks very much for the review you left me. I've been working on my writing style a lot, even though my improvements seem to become more and more marginal. I'll be mindful of you suggestions
2/10/2007 c4 4Imalefty
amazing writing here. your descriptions are... intense, to say the least (and i do mean that in a good way). i must say this certainly is a dark topic you're dealing with, but it is a unique twist on the superhero story.
your use of italics is really nice; at first i had no idea why you switched, but i caught on.
i'd like to see where you're going with this. your writing style is really nice and the tone you've taken for this piece really couldn't be better. i can sense you've got a lot more planned for our hero... (if he could be really be called a hero... i don't know.) keep writing!
-Lefty
4Imaleftyamazing writing here. your descriptions are... intense, to say the least (and i do mean that in a good way). i must say this certainly is a dark topic you're dealing with, but it is a unique twist on the superhero story.
your use of italics is really nice; at first i had no idea why you switched, but i caught on.
i'd like to see where you're going with this. your writing style is really nice and the tone you've taken for this piece really couldn't be better. i can sense you've got a lot more planned for our hero... (if he could be really be called a hero... i don't know.) keep writing!
-Lefty
2/7/2007 c2 Danielle Thamasa
Wow...you really dig into his mind. This is fascinating to read and I am looking forward to reading more. This has to be one of the more unique Superhero stories I have read on fictionpress so far and I've been on here for about five years now. I really can't wait to see where the Job takes him next.
Danielle Thamasa
Wow...you really dig into his mind. This is fascinating to read and I am looking forward to reading more. This has to be one of the more unique Superhero stories I have read on fictionpress so far and I've been on here for about five years now. I really can't wait to see where the Job takes him next.
Danielle Thamasa