for Fragment Pieces of Life's Sonnet8/17/2007 c5 criti-sized
Yes, I know it took me foreve to get this far, and you're disappointed, but I'm here at least. That counts, right?
But let's get on with the review I loved all the chapters in it entire form. The many changes that you put in it were great as well.
I liked how in Old Wounds you began the chapter in bold letters to emphasize his thoughts and feelings more, that was really good, and the emotion in it was great the way you evolved it slowly.
Most people don't like stories that start out slow, and they want a quick run into everything so they are satisfies themselves, but with stories that are meant to atsrt out slow and develope into something better, is what I like. But you already know that, so there's no need for me to continue.
To some degree I feel the same way that Qwuan does about plain coloured houses and walls, they drive me crazy. And it' bad enough that I live in a madhouse, but to feel like I deserve to live in one is worse. Anyways, that little description in there gave hints to a lot about his character.
Most don't like t acknowledge it, but the little things that we state about our characters are what really build them, because when we state the big things it's just a simple fact, but when we have small things, like your having that Qwuan hated the colour of his grndmoathers house walls, that told a lot about him. I didn't tell why he didn't like the colour of her walls, but it told a short story in itself, which fills in a lot later on. people dont notice this.
But back to the review. His cousin Vivienne, is just like she was before, an eye grabber to the reader. There's something that we instantly like about this small person that introduces herself into the story for only a minute but leaves a big impression. Whereas his aunt reminds me of one of those withdrawn people that feel a lot but don't say it. And his uncle, bless your great desriptions about him that make him sound like a real human. He reminds me of somedy that I know, with a lot of controlling issues. I would like to say something about his other couin, Joshua, but he hasn't come into the picture yet.
And for the next chapter, I guess I'm the dumb one, because you're just having every chapter in bold letters at the beginning. My bad ^o^.
Onto Chyou, I still say I like that name, but it's only because you stole it from me. Joke.
The slight introduction of her father was of course an old one, but still nice as well. The quick jump into her character is unexpected, bu great nonetheless. And her psychiatrist, just like any othe, always believing they're right.
And her mother, I don't want to sound racial or anything, but she sounds like the typical ... mother, fill in the blanks. There's the part that every child would like to be angry at ther parent ust for being a parent, but can't. That's the sense that i get from Chyou when it comes to Jackie. Like she would love for Jackie to just leave her the hell alone, but enjoys the fact that Jackie at leats cares. And Nathan, poor guy, I feel sorry for him. if only he knew that he just stepped into a family that has secret issues of their own, and it's not that he's not invited, but it's better if he acted like he was blind to it. I get the sense from him that he's not though.
And the last chapter. I love Chyou's ability to be so nonchalant, it's humourous. And I'm not so sure, I have the ability to be stupid, but it looked like you added more dead family of hers than last time, right?
The descriptions of the actions is very nice. Like how you had it she pulled up th elegs of her pants, not many write decriptions like that, they leav ethe remainder of the imagination to the reader, and we make it up.
And I'm skipping alot, but Erin? Is that the friend that you were telling me about that you were going to have in it. He he. I like her, though. She's got this nice disposition about her that makes her instantly likeable as well.
Then you leave us with a question mark at the end. That's just bad, but let's hope you update soon.
C.S.
Yes, I know it took me foreve to get this far, and you're disappointed, but I'm here at least. That counts, right?
But let's get on with the review I loved all the chapters in it entire form. The many changes that you put in it were great as well.
I liked how in Old Wounds you began the chapter in bold letters to emphasize his thoughts and feelings more, that was really good, and the emotion in it was great the way you evolved it slowly.
Most people don't like stories that start out slow, and they want a quick run into everything so they are satisfies themselves, but with stories that are meant to atsrt out slow and develope into something better, is what I like. But you already know that, so there's no need for me to continue.
To some degree I feel the same way that Qwuan does about plain coloured houses and walls, they drive me crazy. And it' bad enough that I live in a madhouse, but to feel like I deserve to live in one is worse. Anyways, that little description in there gave hints to a lot about his character.
Most don't like t acknowledge it, but the little things that we state about our characters are what really build them, because when we state the big things it's just a simple fact, but when we have small things, like your having that Qwuan hated the colour of his grndmoathers house walls, that told a lot about him. I didn't tell why he didn't like the colour of her walls, but it told a short story in itself, which fills in a lot later on. people dont notice this.
But back to the review. His cousin Vivienne, is just like she was before, an eye grabber to the reader. There's something that we instantly like about this small person that introduces herself into the story for only a minute but leaves a big impression. Whereas his aunt reminds me of one of those withdrawn people that feel a lot but don't say it. And his uncle, bless your great desriptions about him that make him sound like a real human. He reminds me of somedy that I know, with a lot of controlling issues. I would like to say something about his other couin, Joshua, but he hasn't come into the picture yet.
And for the next chapter, I guess I'm the dumb one, because you're just having every chapter in bold letters at the beginning. My bad ^o^.
Onto Chyou, I still say I like that name, but it's only because you stole it from me. Joke.
The slight introduction of her father was of course an old one, but still nice as well. The quick jump into her character is unexpected, bu great nonetheless. And her psychiatrist, just like any othe, always believing they're right.
And her mother, I don't want to sound racial or anything, but she sounds like the typical ... mother, fill in the blanks. There's the part that every child would like to be angry at ther parent ust for being a parent, but can't. That's the sense that i get from Chyou when it comes to Jackie. Like she would love for Jackie to just leave her the hell alone, but enjoys the fact that Jackie at leats cares. And Nathan, poor guy, I feel sorry for him. if only he knew that he just stepped into a family that has secret issues of their own, and it's not that he's not invited, but it's better if he acted like he was blind to it. I get the sense from him that he's not though.
And the last chapter. I love Chyou's ability to be so nonchalant, it's humourous. And I'm not so sure, I have the ability to be stupid, but it looked like you added more dead family of hers than last time, right?
The descriptions of the actions is very nice. Like how you had it she pulled up th elegs of her pants, not many write decriptions like that, they leav ethe remainder of the imagination to the reader, and we make it up.
And I'm skipping alot, but Erin? Is that the friend that you were telling me about that you were going to have in it. He he. I like her, though. She's got this nice disposition about her that makes her instantly likeable as well.
Then you leave us with a question mark at the end. That's just bad, but let's hope you update soon.
C.S.
8/8/2007 c5 
7The Breakdancing Ninja
I was so happy when you updated this! I should've like, sent a PM to say thank you. I'm so rude, like, telling you to update it and not thanking you!
Something that bothers me. Is "bounded" a word? I don't have spell check because I can't open Word Document and I can't open up other browsers or this computer'll die. Is it a word, though?
Alright, when I read this a couple of days ago, I really liked Erin. I already love Chyou, but Erin is also pretty badass because she's very straightforward but womanly and matronly; I really like that quality about her. I feel comforted around her because I'm sort of in Chyou's shoes, feeling distanced, being at that grave site, and Erin's presence is so warm. And this isn't like some creepy FP story where you KNOW without a doubt that this friend is gonna stab Chyou in the back because it's not immature. I mean to say, I really trust Erin's presence because she's so warm and cohesive with Chyou.
I was trying to get a good grasp on Jackie, what she is. I think she hasn't really grown up. That the mature part of her died with Chyou's dad or something so she's left weak and feeble. I feel bad for her, but at the same time, I can't, especially with the way she was talking to Chyou. I mean, Chyou has a strong head and she's a strong person in general, but Jackie of all people should know that she's a good person; she's not malicious or spiteful. I understand why Jackie would get all upset at Chyou for telling her she was upset that Jackie didn't tell her about the relationship, but I wish she understood that it was a sign of Chyou's love to feel hurt and betrayed and uninformed!
I realize, which is a reason why I really liked this, is that even the most mature person, someone like Chyou, is also suseptible to hurt and defensiveness. It's clearly seen in her mother, who is an adult herself, but anyone could become vulnerable and a little belligerent.
A really poignant detail was Jackie's high pitched voice. There's something in that. I could almost hear a whine, or a voice that it is really intrusive. This probably has a huge effect on Chyou's emotional state.
Let's see... What else before I go back to see if there was anything I could be of help with? Oh! The opening was a little clunky to me. I think there was a lot of descriptions in the exchange between Chyou and Jackie; though I appreciate the thoughtfulness in the descriptions, they weigh down the dynamic of conversation, which is wholly reliant on speed and delivery especially during a dramatic or traumatic moment. After one has been prompted enough and understands the way a character deals with things, their tones, their customary/traditional actions in speech, a reader could fill in the blanks with a little help along the way. I think a sparse conversation during a very dramatic scene can be really effective, if accompanied with the right narration.
Also, there is a priority of action: which ones are important and contribute to the overall ambiance, and which ones are "dead weight", or what I would really like to call "author's integrity". Because I've noticed that the best of us here on FP are usually the strongest with descriptions but it tends to go overboard because an author full of integrity would like his or her readers to fully realize a scene; it's like a father who gives his child everything because he wants her to be happy. In this case, it isn't always necessary. And if it is, it should always be swift.
The very first sentence illustrates a fine line between author's integrity and contributory descriptions: [Hand on the doorknob, she inwardly sighed upon turning around to face her mother and recognizing irritation emanating from her akimbo stance. At that moment, she wasn't in the mood to deal with Jackie. ] The two dynamics are Chyou inwardly sighing and her mother standing there looking irritated. But there's a lot going on here that could displace readers' attentions. Of course, there are two courses of action if one should edit this. Separate everything into different sentences or cut down the descriptions. I think the lesser of two evils is to figure out which one uses less gerrands.
First edit: "Hand on the doorknob, she turned around to face her mother, and recognized irritation emanating from her akimbo stance. She inwardly sighed. At that moment, she wasn't in the mood to deal with Jackie." The obvious problem with this one is time frame: she had sighed UPON turning around to see the irritation, not afterward.
Second edit: "She inwardly sighed and turned to face her mother, recognizing the irritation emanating from her akimbo stance. (Her hand dropped from the door knob.) At that moment, she wasn't in the mood to deal with Jackie." That one sentence is in parentheses because it is optional.
There are like, a billion more ways of doing this. Perhaps it could be that the story jives better with the original description, and that is okay, too. It won't kill a piece. But a foreseeable problem might be the heavy-handed nature of the dialogue.
OH! But one of my favorite descriptions in this conversation (though there are obviously a lot of good, insightful ones) is this one: [Chyou gave her mother a blank stare, the same stare that always served to piss her mother off further. True, she understood what her mother was saying and she also understood why; however, that didn't stop her from making the expression she did.] This one was icing on the cake, because truthfully, I could envision this stare. It has a sort of irony as well as mild humor. More importantly, it's a glimpse of truth; I really loved Chyou even more when I saw this description. I wanted to give her a big giant hug.
Arg, I'm really scared of meeting the other two, though. I wonder what Chyou will say to them? I think she should clock him, honestly. Just punch him right in the jaw! But she's too freaking classy for that. I'd do it for her if I could jump into her world.
I love that she plays the violin. Another one of the details I really liked was that she won't play the violin unless she feels it. She has a lot of integrity; it's also an extension of the story: a story that won't tell itself unless it feels. There's so much love and work that went into this story, I think it's one of the more refined and sharper reads of FP. I put it up there with Enigmatic Arsenic's new edits of "Pretty Baby", work by Criti-sized, some things I used to read by Solideogloria. I know I'll never be able to write this way, but I love it every time I see it.
[With her words she stood up, "Tell me, Jackie, would you have said anything about you and Nathan? And if so, when?"] Ah, backtracking. I think I took this sentence the wrong way, like, literally, like Chyou was going out with Nathan. I hope that I didn't miss some crucial part of the narration before because then, yeah, I'd feel dumb. But I just think I'm like, reading it too literally. I just wanted you to know that. lmao
[Emma Sullivan. Daniel and Karen Atmen. Rosalind Greaves. Amy Seever. Basil Harris.] When I saw this, I felt the love. I mean, not the love from the names, because obviously they're the names of people who are deceased. But this story has such a respect for Life and Death and how fragile both are. I swear.
[When standing there as she was now, she would feel an inexplicable aura of closeness with him, almost as though the connection between them still delicately continued to exist.] This part and everything after it, the descriptions made my heart hurt. I think when I was first reading this story, I was having a hard time getting into it because a majority of the other reads (except ones in my favorites lmao) were unfeeling; they lacked humor, understanding, cohesiveness. This one had so much compassion from the get-go that it was sort of hard to adjust. But I was thinking about this story a couple of weeks ago and I really missed it. Which is why I'm glad you updated it.
[It became so that she began to imagine him sitting in his favorite chair or standing in her room doorway, observing her in practice.] Arg. This is so sad!
[A part of her pitied that little girl within her for being stuck in limbo, while the other half of her understood she wasn't ready to fully heal.] I like how the revelation for this statement slowly unfolds. And it's so, like, compassionate and deep, too! I've never felt that sort of loss so bouncing back always seemed natural. But I never thought about that, about how people could like, disappear if you move on and fully heal. Sometimes, in order to really respect the dead, you have to keep that part of them with you that gives you pain, because it's that part of you that misses them and wishes they were alive. I think, usually, when people to tell others to move on, they're are just overwhelmed and exhausted with a person's grief; no one wants to see pain so they try and push people out of it. But after reading this, I really see this. A necessary pain, these fragments we carry with us.
Okay, like, I'm getting too emotional here. lmao
[A dramatic sigh breaking it, Erin followed it with, "I'm hungry, my boots are killing me and I suddenly have a large craving for a cup of Joe."] Another big hug for Erin because she's so cool and practical and straight forward! But I gushed about her enough already. lmao
Anthon Tomms gives me the chills. GARG.
I don't mean to be rude again, but I just recently got my groove back and I was wondering, like, well-it's kind of been over a month since your last update. Is another chapter coming, or...? Yeah, I'm pushing it, I know it took me forever to get here, but I really want to read another one! But yeah, I mean. Take your time. I don't want to rush art or anything, but this is such a cool read. Thanks for updating and for providing a great read!
Rock on, M.S.!
7The Breakdancing NinjaI was so happy when you updated this! I should've like, sent a PM to say thank you. I'm so rude, like, telling you to update it and not thanking you!
Something that bothers me. Is "bounded" a word? I don't have spell check because I can't open Word Document and I can't open up other browsers or this computer'll die. Is it a word, though?
Alright, when I read this a couple of days ago, I really liked Erin. I already love Chyou, but Erin is also pretty badass because she's very straightforward but womanly and matronly; I really like that quality about her. I feel comforted around her because I'm sort of in Chyou's shoes, feeling distanced, being at that grave site, and Erin's presence is so warm. And this isn't like some creepy FP story where you KNOW without a doubt that this friend is gonna stab Chyou in the back because it's not immature. I mean to say, I really trust Erin's presence because she's so warm and cohesive with Chyou.
I was trying to get a good grasp on Jackie, what she is. I think she hasn't really grown up. That the mature part of her died with Chyou's dad or something so she's left weak and feeble. I feel bad for her, but at the same time, I can't, especially with the way she was talking to Chyou. I mean, Chyou has a strong head and she's a strong person in general, but Jackie of all people should know that she's a good person; she's not malicious or spiteful. I understand why Jackie would get all upset at Chyou for telling her she was upset that Jackie didn't tell her about the relationship, but I wish she understood that it was a sign of Chyou's love to feel hurt and betrayed and uninformed!
I realize, which is a reason why I really liked this, is that even the most mature person, someone like Chyou, is also suseptible to hurt and defensiveness. It's clearly seen in her mother, who is an adult herself, but anyone could become vulnerable and a little belligerent.
A really poignant detail was Jackie's high pitched voice. There's something in that. I could almost hear a whine, or a voice that it is really intrusive. This probably has a huge effect on Chyou's emotional state.
Let's see... What else before I go back to see if there was anything I could be of help with? Oh! The opening was a little clunky to me. I think there was a lot of descriptions in the exchange between Chyou and Jackie; though I appreciate the thoughtfulness in the descriptions, they weigh down the dynamic of conversation, which is wholly reliant on speed and delivery especially during a dramatic or traumatic moment. After one has been prompted enough and understands the way a character deals with things, their tones, their customary/traditional actions in speech, a reader could fill in the blanks with a little help along the way. I think a sparse conversation during a very dramatic scene can be really effective, if accompanied with the right narration.
Also, there is a priority of action: which ones are important and contribute to the overall ambiance, and which ones are "dead weight", or what I would really like to call "author's integrity". Because I've noticed that the best of us here on FP are usually the strongest with descriptions but it tends to go overboard because an author full of integrity would like his or her readers to fully realize a scene; it's like a father who gives his child everything because he wants her to be happy. In this case, it isn't always necessary. And if it is, it should always be swift.
The very first sentence illustrates a fine line between author's integrity and contributory descriptions: [Hand on the doorknob, she inwardly sighed upon turning around to face her mother and recognizing irritation emanating from her akimbo stance. At that moment, she wasn't in the mood to deal with Jackie. ] The two dynamics are Chyou inwardly sighing and her mother standing there looking irritated. But there's a lot going on here that could displace readers' attentions. Of course, there are two courses of action if one should edit this. Separate everything into different sentences or cut down the descriptions. I think the lesser of two evils is to figure out which one uses less gerrands.
First edit: "Hand on the doorknob, she turned around to face her mother, and recognized irritation emanating from her akimbo stance. She inwardly sighed. At that moment, she wasn't in the mood to deal with Jackie." The obvious problem with this one is time frame: she had sighed UPON turning around to see the irritation, not afterward.
Second edit: "She inwardly sighed and turned to face her mother, recognizing the irritation emanating from her akimbo stance. (Her hand dropped from the door knob.) At that moment, she wasn't in the mood to deal with Jackie." That one sentence is in parentheses because it is optional.
There are like, a billion more ways of doing this. Perhaps it could be that the story jives better with the original description, and that is okay, too. It won't kill a piece. But a foreseeable problem might be the heavy-handed nature of the dialogue.
OH! But one of my favorite descriptions in this conversation (though there are obviously a lot of good, insightful ones) is this one: [Chyou gave her mother a blank stare, the same stare that always served to piss her mother off further. True, she understood what her mother was saying and she also understood why; however, that didn't stop her from making the expression she did.] This one was icing on the cake, because truthfully, I could envision this stare. It has a sort of irony as well as mild humor. More importantly, it's a glimpse of truth; I really loved Chyou even more when I saw this description. I wanted to give her a big giant hug.
Arg, I'm really scared of meeting the other two, though. I wonder what Chyou will say to them? I think she should clock him, honestly. Just punch him right in the jaw! But she's too freaking classy for that. I'd do it for her if I could jump into her world.
I love that she plays the violin. Another one of the details I really liked was that she won't play the violin unless she feels it. She has a lot of integrity; it's also an extension of the story: a story that won't tell itself unless it feels. There's so much love and work that went into this story, I think it's one of the more refined and sharper reads of FP. I put it up there with Enigmatic Arsenic's new edits of "Pretty Baby", work by Criti-sized, some things I used to read by Solideogloria. I know I'll never be able to write this way, but I love it every time I see it.
[With her words she stood up, "Tell me, Jackie, would you have said anything about you and Nathan? And if so, when?"] Ah, backtracking. I think I took this sentence the wrong way, like, literally, like Chyou was going out with Nathan. I hope that I didn't miss some crucial part of the narration before because then, yeah, I'd feel dumb. But I just think I'm like, reading it too literally. I just wanted you to know that. lmao
[Emma Sullivan. Daniel and Karen Atmen. Rosalind Greaves. Amy Seever. Basil Harris.] When I saw this, I felt the love. I mean, not the love from the names, because obviously they're the names of people who are deceased. But this story has such a respect for Life and Death and how fragile both are. I swear.
[When standing there as she was now, she would feel an inexplicable aura of closeness with him, almost as though the connection between them still delicately continued to exist.] This part and everything after it, the descriptions made my heart hurt. I think when I was first reading this story, I was having a hard time getting into it because a majority of the other reads (except ones in my favorites lmao) were unfeeling; they lacked humor, understanding, cohesiveness. This one had so much compassion from the get-go that it was sort of hard to adjust. But I was thinking about this story a couple of weeks ago and I really missed it. Which is why I'm glad you updated it.
[It became so that she began to imagine him sitting in his favorite chair or standing in her room doorway, observing her in practice.] Arg. This is so sad!
[A part of her pitied that little girl within her for being stuck in limbo, while the other half of her understood she wasn't ready to fully heal.] I like how the revelation for this statement slowly unfolds. And it's so, like, compassionate and deep, too! I've never felt that sort of loss so bouncing back always seemed natural. But I never thought about that, about how people could like, disappear if you move on and fully heal. Sometimes, in order to really respect the dead, you have to keep that part of them with you that gives you pain, because it's that part of you that misses them and wishes they were alive. I think, usually, when people to tell others to move on, they're are just overwhelmed and exhausted with a person's grief; no one wants to see pain so they try and push people out of it. But after reading this, I really see this. A necessary pain, these fragments we carry with us.
Okay, like, I'm getting too emotional here. lmao
[A dramatic sigh breaking it, Erin followed it with, "I'm hungry, my boots are killing me and I suddenly have a large craving for a cup of Joe."] Another big hug for Erin because she's so cool and practical and straight forward! But I gushed about her enough already. lmao
Anthon Tomms gives me the chills. GARG.
I don't mean to be rude again, but I just recently got my groove back and I was wondering, like, well-it's kind of been over a month since your last update. Is another chapter coming, or...? Yeah, I'm pushing it, I know it took me forever to get here, but I really want to read another one! But yeah, I mean. Take your time. I don't want to rush art or anything, but this is such a cool read. Thanks for updating and for providing a great read!
Rock on, M.S.!
7/18/2007 c5 1H.L. Darlows
A very interesting rewrite. It feels better and many of the additions make the story more "mature". I loved the cello and the strings bounding the story. Wonderful imagery.
Even though it's basically still the same chapter as last time, I'm learning more about the characters and their motives. Need I say that it's good? Looking forward to the next updated chapter!
Hope you're all settled in at your new home. Best wishes.
- Anaare
P.S.: Apologies for using my other account "Lasse Pour Quoi" to sign the review. It's my story account and I hadn't logged out yet. Sorry for the confusion!
1H.L. DarlowsA very interesting rewrite. It feels better and many of the additions make the story more "mature". I loved the cello and the strings bounding the story. Wonderful imagery.
Even though it's basically still the same chapter as last time, I'm learning more about the characters and their motives. Need I say that it's good? Looking forward to the next updated chapter!
Hope you're all settled in at your new home. Best wishes.
- Anaare
P.S.: Apologies for using my other account "Lasse Pour Quoi" to sign the review. It's my story account and I hadn't logged out yet. Sorry for the confusion!
7/15/2007 c5 M.D.Irvine
Anthon? i knoe she previously mentioned and Anthon and aunt Annette. so im assuming Anthon is her cousin? i like this version. i wonder what memories she was assailed with - i guess ill find out in the next chapter. good luck with ur writings and i guess ill ttyl
Anthon? i knoe she previously mentioned and Anthon and aunt Annette. so im assuming Anthon is her cousin? i like this version. i wonder what memories she was assailed with - i guess ill find out in the next chapter. good luck with ur writings and i guess ill ttyl
7/15/2007 c4 M.D.Irvine
she had been molested by her cousin Marcus? her father died trying to save her cousin rite? (another cousin not marcus?)she had tried to tell him that must make it even more horrible for her, the foreboding feeling. i like the differences bw her and Qwuan, firstly she loved rain. of course i have the feeling these seperate povs would lead to their meeting :-D
she had been molested by her cousin Marcus? her father died trying to save her cousin rite? (another cousin not marcus?)she had tried to tell him that must make it even more horrible for her, the foreboding feeling. i like the differences bw her and Qwuan, firstly she loved rain. of course i have the feeling these seperate povs would lead to their meeting :-D
7/15/2007 c3 M.D.Irvine
hmm i dont remember the details of the old chapters like u'd said but i do like this. His uncle had tried to save face with his grandmother over something Judianna had done in the past? I didn't expect Qwuan to refuse to go see his grandmother, considering his thoughts about her in the first chapter, its obvious he cares for her. I guess he couldnt stand being around his family b/c it reminded him of his twin, maybe he felt he would be surrounded by grief and anger if he stayed.
im curious to know how old is Qwuan? i still love the freshness of Vivienne(how old is she? tall and gangly where she ahd been chubby 3 yrs prior made me think 9 or 10?) and i wonder how she takes being reprimanded bc of the glory child Joshua. do we meet Joshua? ive decided not to try and remember the old version adn read this like its my first time. its easier on the brain lol
i apologise again for not getting to this the minute i saw u had started a rewrite.
hmm i dont remember the details of the old chapters like u'd said but i do like this. His uncle had tried to save face with his grandmother over something Judianna had done in the past? I didn't expect Qwuan to refuse to go see his grandmother, considering his thoughts about her in the first chapter, its obvious he cares for her. I guess he couldnt stand being around his family b/c it reminded him of his twin, maybe he felt he would be surrounded by grief and anger if he stayed.
im curious to know how old is Qwuan? i still love the freshness of Vivienne(how old is she? tall and gangly where she ahd been chubby 3 yrs prior made me think 9 or 10?) and i wonder how she takes being reprimanded bc of the glory child Joshua. do we meet Joshua? ive decided not to try and remember the old version adn read this like its my first time. its easier on the brain lol
i apologise again for not getting to this the minute i saw u had started a rewrite.
7/15/2007 c2 M.D.Irvine
i like the beginning, sad, poignant and mysterious. why had all those ppl died in ten years? was it bad luck, coincidence or something worse? The death of Qwuan's twin Julianna and his emotions that wavered bw grief and anger was very realistic.
was Julianna's requests about death, a thing close siblings do, if i die b4 u then u shld... and if u die b4 me, i wld... or did she knoe that she was going to die?
its all very mysterious in a sense, she had closed herself off from her twin. i hope we get to figure this all out in this version
i like the beginning, sad, poignant and mysterious. why had all those ppl died in ten years? was it bad luck, coincidence or something worse? The death of Qwuan's twin Julianna and his emotions that wavered bw grief and anger was very realistic.
was Julianna's requests about death, a thing close siblings do, if i die b4 u then u shld... and if u die b4 me, i wld... or did she knoe that she was going to die?
its all very mysterious in a sense, she had closed herself off from her twin. i hope we get to figure this all out in this version
6/28/2007 c5 2Sir Scott
Nice couple of chapters, you have a way of really letting the reader get into the minds of characters you create. Although, I would not be able to pronounce half their names if my life depended on it. The philosophy of how music holds together was pretty interesting, I have heard that before, I kind of agree with that even though my old man says that music is just background noise to life and nothing more. The names on tombstones are interesting. I have made a few concrete ones with metal name plates for people who couldn't afford to buy any for their families. Overall, this story has a very sad and tragic tone it. Which is I am sure what you want your readers to feel. Good job with what you have written so far, please update as soon as you get time.
~SirScott
2Sir ScottNice couple of chapters, you have a way of really letting the reader get into the minds of characters you create. Although, I would not be able to pronounce half their names if my life depended on it. The philosophy of how music holds together was pretty interesting, I have heard that before, I kind of agree with that even though my old man says that music is just background noise to life and nothing more. The names on tombstones are interesting. I have made a few concrete ones with metal name plates for people who couldn't afford to buy any for their families. Overall, this story has a very sad and tragic tone it. Which is I am sure what you want your readers to feel. Good job with what you have written so far, please update as soon as you get time.
~SirScott
6/26/2007 c5 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Hey there! It's me again lol! :P Anyway, never expect you to update so soon... ok, all in all, a good chapter as always. The exchange betweem Chyou and Jackie was rather well detailed and I really like the part where Chyou is in front of her father's tomb. Also, the ending of this chapter seems rather interesting as well... ok, I admit I'm a bit sleepy now due to the time being 5+ in the morning, so forgive me if I never say anything constructive... anyway, I really hope that I can update again soon. Just don't know when... :(
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuHey there! It's me again lol! :P Anyway, never expect you to update so soon... ok, all in all, a good chapter as always. The exchange betweem Chyou and Jackie was rather well detailed and I really like the part where Chyou is in front of her father's tomb. Also, the ending of this chapter seems rather interesting as well... ok, I admit I'm a bit sleepy now due to the time being 5+ in the morning, so forgive me if I never say anything constructive... anyway, I really hope that I can update again soon. Just don't know when... :(
6/26/2007 c2 5President
Reply to your review reply: Ah. I see.
*Sorry for the late second review. I read your other stories... and well for some reason, it's really hard for me to make a (even only assumed) good review.
Disclaimer: I do not claim that this review in anyway WILL be beneficial to your writing.
"The echoing sound it made in the deep quiet as it hit the umbrella he held over his head and ricocheted off into the air, leaving its last mark on the ground where it would form into a puddle of mud."
The echoing sound it made in the deep quiet... (stuffy words...)... and ricocheted off into the air?
Uh perhaps remove and to make the sentence grammatically correct? Cause the echoing sound it made in the deep quiet is hanging.
He would also remember in the other sentence... It's redundant. And not in a good way. Perhaps you could make it more poetic? Like uh... The memory of the... (sounds)... would forever be imprinted in the very cores of his soul. Hahahahaha. Get what I mean?
Personally, I like "Paper Cramp" and "Inhibited Confessions"... and, well also Porcelain Doll (although not that much better) better than I do this. Paper Cramp and Inhibited Confessions... your adjectives were so clear and so poetic... As for Porcelain Doll, it's poetic.
Aah, I'm sorry I think I'm being to judgmental or I'm already saying a verbiage...
Anyway, I hope you got what I mean (with the assumption of what I mean being beneficial). And that's my review.:)
-Avius
5PresidentReply to your review reply: Ah. I see.
*Sorry for the late second review. I read your other stories... and well for some reason, it's really hard for me to make a (even only assumed) good review.
Disclaimer: I do not claim that this review in anyway WILL be beneficial to your writing.
"The echoing sound it made in the deep quiet as it hit the umbrella he held over his head and ricocheted off into the air, leaving its last mark on the ground where it would form into a puddle of mud."
The echoing sound it made in the deep quiet... (stuffy words...)... and ricocheted off into the air?
Uh perhaps remove and to make the sentence grammatically correct? Cause the echoing sound it made in the deep quiet is hanging.
He would also remember in the other sentence... It's redundant. And not in a good way. Perhaps you could make it more poetic? Like uh... The memory of the... (sounds)... would forever be imprinted in the very cores of his soul. Hahahahaha. Get what I mean?
Personally, I like "Paper Cramp" and "Inhibited Confessions"... and, well also Porcelain Doll (although not that much better) better than I do this. Paper Cramp and Inhibited Confessions... your adjectives were so clear and so poetic... As for Porcelain Doll, it's poetic.
Aah, I'm sorry I think I'm being to judgmental or I'm already saying a verbiage...
Anyway, I hope you got what I mean (with the assumption of what I mean being beneficial). And that's my review.:)
-Avius
6/25/2007 c4 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Ok, I thought I've reviewed this before, but maybe I was wrong in a sense that this signed review actually got through... XD Anyway, this chapter's rather good. Just the only thing is that maybe you can touch on more of the death of Chyou's father. Also, you can try touching on Jackie's relationship with Nathan as a platform to link with Chyou's character development. Apart from that, nothing much to say. Saying frankly, I don't really see any difference from this current version compared to the previous one apart from the part of Chyou's doctor, but then again, it's likely that my memory sucks. Anyway, glad to see you update. :) Bye! ^^
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuOk, I thought I've reviewed this before, but maybe I was wrong in a sense that this signed review actually got through... XD Anyway, this chapter's rather good. Just the only thing is that maybe you can touch on more of the death of Chyou's father. Also, you can try touching on Jackie's relationship with Nathan as a platform to link with Chyou's character development. Apart from that, nothing much to say. Saying frankly, I don't really see any difference from this current version compared to the previous one apart from the part of Chyou's doctor, but then again, it's likely that my memory sucks. Anyway, glad to see you update. :) Bye! ^^
6/24/2007 c1 24Mad for Figs
You know what I love about your writing? The style of it. The details are so exact, it's perfect. The way you describe things, I can basically see it happening in front of my eyes. I love your style so much, I can't even begin to express it.
Geeps, and I'm pretty sure you have another small spelling error. I'm sorry, I'm sort of OCD about this. "...the lever on the side of the medal bar was pushed..." In that sentence, 'medal' should actually be 'metal'.
But again, your description of the grandmother's angst. It was... perfect, despite the circumstances. It just fit, and clicked together.
Great job on the first chapter. When I have time, I'll definitely be reading the rest of it. =]
24Mad for FigsYou know what I love about your writing? The style of it. The details are so exact, it's perfect. The way you describe things, I can basically see it happening in front of my eyes. I love your style so much, I can't even begin to express it.
Geeps, and I'm pretty sure you have another small spelling error. I'm sorry, I'm sort of OCD about this. "...the lever on the side of the medal bar was pushed..." In that sentence, 'medal' should actually be 'metal'.
But again, your description of the grandmother's angst. It was... perfect, despite the circumstances. It just fit, and clicked together.
Great job on the first chapter. When I have time, I'll definitely be reading the rest of it. =]
6/20/2007 c2 9Queen Anabella
You haven't updated this since February. Pourquoi? Writer's block? Having trouble revising? Whatever the reason, I feel like you should continue (unless this is a three chapter story, in which case I haven't gotten to the end, yet...though I highly doubt that).
Anyways, there's potential in this story. I like the names and the setting and the energy in it-that static, tangible feeling of something about to happen.
I do really like this story so far. However, I warn you against cliches. As we all know, our beloved fp is -full- of trite plots (I'm guilty of that). I feel like your writing is too good, too serious to fall into a trap like that. Your story runs like a movie and while that's good (imagery is impressive), there's the element of predictability.
Nevertheless, great job and I hope you continue. :)
9Queen AnabellaYou haven't updated this since February. Pourquoi? Writer's block? Having trouble revising? Whatever the reason, I feel like you should continue (unless this is a three chapter story, in which case I haven't gotten to the end, yet...though I highly doubt that).
Anyways, there's potential in this story. I like the names and the setting and the energy in it-that static, tangible feeling of something about to happen.
I do really like this story so far. However, I warn you against cliches. As we all know, our beloved fp is -full- of trite plots (I'm guilty of that). I feel like your writing is too good, too serious to fall into a trap like that. Your story runs like a movie and while that's good (imagery is impressive), there's the element of predictability.
Nevertheless, great job and I hope you continue. :)
6/20/2007 c1 Queen Anabella
That was -very- good.
That's my first reaction to the piece. I loved the imagery and the setting. I could see it all in my mind's eye. The small seemingly insignifcant details added up. For example, instead of stating outright that Qwuan was burying his twin sister, you went through the trouble of describing the similarity of their eyes. Thoughtful touches like that help the reader better understand statements made later.
Overall, I thought that was a very fantastic beginning. Of course, now you leave the reader wondering why so many of Qwuan's family members had died. I'm sure that's a point you'll uncover later on.
That was -very- good.
That's my first reaction to the piece. I loved the imagery and the setting. I could see it all in my mind's eye. The small seemingly insignifcant details added up. For example, instead of stating outright that Qwuan was burying his twin sister, you went through the trouble of describing the similarity of their eyes. Thoughtful touches like that help the reader better understand statements made later.
Overall, I thought that was a very fantastic beginning. Of course, now you leave the reader wondering why so many of Qwuan's family members had died. I'm sure that's a point you'll uncover later on.