for Forgotten Rapunzel2/18/2007 c1 
80magnusthewolf
fix "battle's" and "it's"...
also, again i think the puncuation seems forced...did you put it there for a reason or just becuase you felt like you should? if you look at it and read it you will see that it takes away from the piece. it makes alot of the sentences read like statements and then when the reader sees the period, we pause, and then when we go on to the next sentence, which usually starts with the word "and" or "as, it's like we're staring in the middle of a sentence...those words are not sentence starters and it breaks us up during the flow of the sentence and is a bit distracting...
the rhyme was ok but at one or two points could have been better.
i do like the theme here tho, and i like fairy tale related things like my fairy tale poems, so thats cool that you used that connection
80magnusthewolffix "battle's" and "it's"...
also, again i think the puncuation seems forced...did you put it there for a reason or just becuase you felt like you should? if you look at it and read it you will see that it takes away from the piece. it makes alot of the sentences read like statements and then when the reader sees the period, we pause, and then when we go on to the next sentence, which usually starts with the word "and" or "as, it's like we're staring in the middle of a sentence...those words are not sentence starters and it breaks us up during the flow of the sentence and is a bit distracting...
the rhyme was ok but at one or two points could have been better.
i do like the theme here tho, and i like fairy tale related things like my fairy tale poems, so thats cool that you used that connection
2/7/2007 c1 65Nemonus
Wow, that's intriguing. It's like a piece of fantasy art, and it sems there's such a story behind it. Your imagery and sentence structure is fine. Good job.
65NemonusWow, that's intriguing. It's like a piece of fantasy art, and it sems there's such a story behind it. Your imagery and sentence structure is fine. Good job.
2/6/2007 c1 BelovedOfAslan
It's beautiful. Really effectivally shows the tragic side of the fairytale. Love the rhyming scheme.
It's beautiful. Really effectivally shows the tragic side of the fairytale. Love the rhyming scheme.
2/5/2007 c1 36PixiePixieGirl
I'm both a lover of sorrowed beauty and of fairy tales, and so this poem really struck a chord with me. It has wonderful imagery. I can just see her wandering through the foam in her blood-stained garments. It also has a simple but effective rhythm.
36PixiePixieGirlI'm both a lover of sorrowed beauty and of fairy tales, and so this poem really struck a chord with me. It has wonderful imagery. I can just see her wandering through the foam in her blood-stained garments. It also has a simple but effective rhythm.