9/25/2007 c1 5peachfruitsalad
for a first original fic, it rocks. I love the dynamics between Eternity and Celeste - unique names which i love, by the way, rather than the same clichéd names that keep getting thrown around all the time. I applaud you!

The only recommendations for improvement I can make is to not use '?' and '!' together. To avoid a grammar faux-pas, you need to choose one or the other.

Also, at the end of dialogue, use a comma if you plan on writing a tag after it i.e;

“Spoiled little blonde bitch.*” Celeste muttered under her breath as she turned her attention back to Eternity.

* should be "... bitch," Celeste muttered...

This occurs in every dialogue sentence that has a tag added. In the case where you don't tag a 'he said/she said' on to the end, the dialogue sentence ends with a period.

When it comes to tags after an exclamation point or questionmark, the starting word should not be capitalised unless it is a persons name. i.e;

“So, what happened?” She* questioned in a slightly harsher tone than intended.

*should be "So, what happened?" she questioned...

One last thing (I promise!) - try to come up with other words to replace 'said', 'replied', etc., as well as descriptive words. Instead of 'said' you could say 'muttered' or 'sniped' or something, depending on what tone of voice you want them using. Instead of repeating 'replied' all the time, you could vary it with 'retorted' or 'shot back' or 'answered', etc. If in doubt, use a thesaurus. You'll find lots of people do. Its a great way of finding out how to say the same thing in about ten different ways!

Congratulations on creating an excellent story - i look forward to seeing more from you on this!

2/18/2007 c1 6Q. Darkfire
Hmm... interesting start. I wonder what secrets there are. Brooke sounds rather annoying. Anyway, I like the style of your writing. Until next time...

~Q. Darkfire

2/7/2007 c1 1SKD
Hey,

Great first story, this is really fantastic! Keep going and I'll keep reading. Can't wait till you update!

SKD