for Sweets2/10/2007 c1 
6melpomene says
I abosulutely hate having to do this, so please dont take this the worng way. I'm only telling you this in hopes that next time you may be able to write something more solid. So here's a early apology 'cause I know I'm going to sound like a evil critic. I dont do this most of the time, but i feel incline to tell you so because i see potential in your writting; You are quite a creative writer afterall.
I get it. Valentine's day. Romance. Love and what not. But the whole thing was...oh, how should i put this? Your girl character was unrealisitc. By that I mean her reactions were unrealistic.
"...Sighing heavily, she mumbled, “Well…umm, I have a confession to make.” His eyebrow rose expectantly. “I’m…a girl. And a straight one, to boot.” She looked at him fearfully...'
why is she fearful? who would be fearful?Did she need to tell him she was a girl? who cant tell the difference between girls and guys? Did she really think she fooled him?
"...Blushingly, she tore the latest issue of US Weekly away from her face. “I was just, uh…reading…it…and there was this…uhh—really small word, so I…couldn’t see it…yeah,” she fumbled nonsensically..."
You need to work on your dialogs. They also sound unrealistic. I get it. She made an excuse but, Would you say most of the things you typed? would anyone? Dialogs need to be natural. Yours seem forced.
You need more discription. Detail. You need to capture the reader's attention. A good plot isnt going to do it. You need to be able to convert the idea you have formed in your head into the readers so they can imagine all of it too.
Example, how did the hello kitty look like? what colour was it? How big? Little things like that even though the reader already know what hello kitty looks like.
I know its called a one shot- a short story- but tha doesnt mean it hads to be two pages long. I have read some that were almost 20 pages long. So dont limit your work. Write till cant write anymore.
There's more, but these are all the main ones. As i said, work on it. You have potenial, dont waste it.
~Nickel
6melpomene saysI abosulutely hate having to do this, so please dont take this the worng way. I'm only telling you this in hopes that next time you may be able to write something more solid. So here's a early apology 'cause I know I'm going to sound like a evil critic. I dont do this most of the time, but i feel incline to tell you so because i see potential in your writting; You are quite a creative writer afterall.
I get it. Valentine's day. Romance. Love and what not. But the whole thing was...oh, how should i put this? Your girl character was unrealisitc. By that I mean her reactions were unrealistic.
"...Sighing heavily, she mumbled, “Well…umm, I have a confession to make.” His eyebrow rose expectantly. “I’m…a girl. And a straight one, to boot.” She looked at him fearfully...'
why is she fearful? who would be fearful?Did she need to tell him she was a girl? who cant tell the difference between girls and guys? Did she really think she fooled him?
"...Blushingly, she tore the latest issue of US Weekly away from her face. “I was just, uh…reading…it…and there was this…uhh—really small word, so I…couldn’t see it…yeah,” she fumbled nonsensically..."
You need to work on your dialogs. They also sound unrealistic. I get it. She made an excuse but, Would you say most of the things you typed? would anyone? Dialogs need to be natural. Yours seem forced.
You need more discription. Detail. You need to capture the reader's attention. A good plot isnt going to do it. You need to be able to convert the idea you have formed in your head into the readers so they can imagine all of it too.
Example, how did the hello kitty look like? what colour was it? How big? Little things like that even though the reader already know what hello kitty looks like.
I know its called a one shot- a short story- but tha doesnt mean it hads to be two pages long. I have read some that were almost 20 pages long. So dont limit your work. Write till cant write anymore.
There's more, but these are all the main ones. As i said, work on it. You have potenial, dont waste it.
~Nickel
2/10/2007 c1 2happilynuts
aw this is so cute! haha reminds me of this cute guy who was the cashier at blockbuster...and still is ^^
2happilynutsaw this is so cute! haha reminds me of this cute guy who was the cashier at blockbuster...and still is ^^
2/10/2007 c1 somerandomultracoolperson
hahah...do you get my name?
that was...*squeals* so sweet! really well-written, super cute, and totally funny.
but, come on, Hello Kitty? haha, kidding.
loved it! happy early valentine's day to you, too!
hahah...do you get my name?
that was...*squeals* so sweet! really well-written, super cute, and totally funny.
but, come on, Hello Kitty? haha, kidding.
loved it! happy early valentine's day to you, too!