Just In
for A Lapse of Patience

3/26/2008 c1 1Spirit Tigress
I like this one too; I see myself doing this to people at school when they tick me off and I get to my limit...
4/19/2007 c1 4Abysmal Tr3pidation
Nicely done. I love the fact that goes from deep to blunt.

4/14/2007 c1 56felicia13
I like the sound of "And though regretfully, / I abetfully." It's got a good thing going for it.

However, I am against the rhyming. That's mostly me because I hate rhyme in all shapes and forms. "but you, sir, at your untimely rate, / have stirred restlessness" These are the two lines I don't particularly like in this poem. They sound forced and not at all natural. The core of this problem, I believe, is your insistence to make the lines rhyme. There's no need for it, in all actuality. Poems are perfectly ok written completely in free verse.

The last line tears apart any semblance of poetic appeal with its blunt vulgarity.

If the way I'm critiquing you bothers you, tell me and I can stop. Perhaps I'm just bitter that people can't leave me hard-hitting critique. Or not. Whatever.

3/20/2007 c1 3HaChosenOne
Short and sweet. Excellent!
2/21/2007 c1 2Casey Drake
I love it.

2/19/2007 c1 11Peter C
Though I take issue with your word use (and invention), I really like the sing-song feel with the abrupt finish, and the fact that the poem, like its message, is pointed. Nicely done.
2/18/2007 c1 33WyrdWolf
*laughs* Well, I absolutely love this. Smooth, rhyme-ey, and so very...able-to-be-related-to. Tell me if there's a word for that, please.

2/17/2007 c1 4Sakka-Fenikkusu
Not the best poem in the world, but it sure has a ring to it.

Last line = heavenly.
2/17/2007 c1 102Midnight In Eden
Really love your rhyme scheme here, it creates an even flow and just reads clever.

I do however have issue with your punctuation and capitalisation. I think you perhaps should look at repunctuating the piece. From "have stirred..." your piece just runs far too quickly. Perhaps look at injecting some more punctuation to help the flow a little. Also I understand the old tradition of capitalising the first letter of each line but I don't think it works for you here. Just a suggestion but still.

Otherwise your language is wonderfully crafted.


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