for Nverment Data4/8/2007 c1 
65Nemonus
I sense piles and piles of Digimon influence. That's not bad as long as you do it well.
The concept is intriguing: new Earth, high-tech virtual creatures that actually walk around behind the kids. There's this huge science gap inviting the question, How does "The intensity of the explosion reconstructed the planet back within a day."? How do all the people agree to do these scientists' whim and go on the spaceships? Where's the government in all this?
It could be a good manga-type concept if only you put in some pseudoscience to explain that.
Watch your tenses. You switch from past to present quite a bit.
I'd switch the order of the phrases in "Made by Tokyo CO, a fast-moving entertainment for kids...". It sounds clumsy as is.
I like the time difference and franchise difference between the demon-like and angel-like VDmon (How do you pronouce that, btw?).
"It was cold. Why wouldn’t it?" Huh? What's the significance of that second sentence?
The introduction of the rain is excellent. "all" ought to be replaced with 'the raindrops' or something more clear though.
You have moments of confusion with tense and plurality, as in "He murmur[ed] slight inaudible phrase[s] ". Also, please describe the creature. In this 'scene' we ought to be able to see it.
An obtuse sentence: "There was a short thud of poor mattress being pummel, and silences." So the creature goes up and pummels a mattress, as to relieve stress? Why'd it go into the house to do this? Why is the mattress so "poor"? I'd not make "silences" plural in this situation.
I would like to see more of this. You gotta fix some things though.
65NemonusI sense piles and piles of Digimon influence. That's not bad as long as you do it well.
The concept is intriguing: new Earth, high-tech virtual creatures that actually walk around behind the kids. There's this huge science gap inviting the question, How does "The intensity of the explosion reconstructed the planet back within a day."? How do all the people agree to do these scientists' whim and go on the spaceships? Where's the government in all this?
It could be a good manga-type concept if only you put in some pseudoscience to explain that.
Watch your tenses. You switch from past to present quite a bit.
I'd switch the order of the phrases in "Made by Tokyo CO, a fast-moving entertainment for kids...". It sounds clumsy as is.
I like the time difference and franchise difference between the demon-like and angel-like VDmon (How do you pronouce that, btw?).
"It was cold. Why wouldn’t it?" Huh? What's the significance of that second sentence?
The introduction of the rain is excellent. "all" ought to be replaced with 'the raindrops' or something more clear though.
You have moments of confusion with tense and plurality, as in "He murmur[ed] slight inaudible phrase[s] ". Also, please describe the creature. In this 'scene' we ought to be able to see it.
An obtuse sentence: "There was a short thud of poor mattress being pummel, and silences." So the creature goes up and pummels a mattress, as to relieve stress? Why'd it go into the house to do this? Why is the mattress so "poor"? I'd not make "silences" plural in this situation.
I would like to see more of this. You gotta fix some things though.
2/22/2007 c1 10weedpeach
heheh. i'd love to read this, but i'll do that later. trying to send you a message, but NO.
they go you can only summit stories on the 23rd, TOMORROW!
x(
no faiir. =(
ok bye
10weedpeachheheh. i'd love to read this, but i'll do that later. trying to send you a message, but NO.
they go you can only summit stories on the 23rd, TOMORROW!
x(
no faiir. =(
ok bye
2/21/2007 c1 115Rhyno Holter
Thanks for the review.
Interesting little back story. To me, it seems like a mix of a million different ingredients from the most popular anime and manga. However, unlike most mixes, this one seems to have potential. I am proud to tell you that I look forward to future chapters.
115Rhyno HolterThanks for the review.
Interesting little back story. To me, it seems like a mix of a million different ingredients from the most popular anime and manga. However, unlike most mixes, this one seems to have potential. I am proud to tell you that I look forward to future chapters.
2/20/2007 c1 7Charming Dice
This is a decent start, I guess. I've certainly seen worse. You might want to fix the formatting of this, though. Almost every other sentence is divided and separated for some reason. It's a mess. That'll probably stop anyone from reading this until you correct it. But its nothing that can't be fixed, so you'll be fine.
Good luck with your writing.
7Charming DiceThis is a decent start, I guess. I've certainly seen worse. You might want to fix the formatting of this, though. Almost every other sentence is divided and separated for some reason. It's a mess. That'll probably stop anyone from reading this until you correct it. But its nothing that can't be fixed, so you'll be fine.
Good luck with your writing.