for The Five: The Hero's beginning5/24/2009 c2 
9Reda
Okay. This is confusing. I can't tell what Marissa really feels at all. By the way she says "What are you talking about! They don't look like me" - and then runs out of the classroom really fast, I would think she didn't want to be associated with the sisters at all. And then you skim over the next class so fast, with grinning people (what's up with everyone grinning? ugh), and tell - instead of showing mind you - the readers how Marissa is excited to "officially meet" the new girls. Like, please, I'm already disinterested. Where's the characters? It's like they try to show you what they want to be like and you keep forcing them into what you want. Characters have feelings, too, you know ;P
~Reda
9RedaOkay. This is confusing. I can't tell what Marissa really feels at all. By the way she says "What are you talking about! They don't look like me" - and then runs out of the classroom really fast, I would think she didn't want to be associated with the sisters at all. And then you skim over the next class so fast, with grinning people (what's up with everyone grinning? ugh), and tell - instead of showing mind you - the readers how Marissa is excited to "officially meet" the new girls. Like, please, I'm already disinterested. Where's the characters? It's like they try to show you what they want to be like and you keep forcing them into what you want. Characters have feelings, too, you know ;P
~Reda
5/24/2009 c1 Reda
Ahem. Well. I'm going to go grammar/English-stabbity because it's what I do when I read something. I pay more attention to phrasing and word choice, too, so it's not like I'm an English teacher. :) No offense intended and I WILL talk of other things, I promise.
1st off:
I hate the word 'that'. Take a look at your first paragraph and count the times you use the word. It's a clutter-full word. Seriously. Most of the time, you don't need it at all. Or another word would explain more - while being more colorful too. I'm not going to take it apart piece by piece because I'm sure you can decide for yourself whether or not it's needed. :P
2nd paragraph:
"...ghosts were thought to of lived there." -have, not 'of'.
"So no one would know they existed, or, if they already did, they wouldn't be able to find it." - Who is 'they?' In this sentence alone, it's confusing because I have no idea who you're referring to. In all three instances.
3rd paragraph:
"She was about 5'5" - no need to be so exact on the height. Give us a visual aid to describe her height in relation to things around her, or even go so simply as to say "tall, average, short" what-have-you when describing height.
-
Okay, as far content. This being a prologue, it held the mysterious-aura I like to have in prologues - and by the way Sara says "they'll be after her" makes me curious to figure out who "they" are; I'm guessing the oldest has to be given away because she could overload on all of her sister's powers? I mean, they never actually say WHY - though I would think a mother would want further argument/explanation before agreeing to such a thing.
Anyway, overall, if I'm being honest, not exactly amazling for a prologue, but decent in that it makes the reader curious enough to move on. There isn't much as far as characterization insomuch as I feel the characters are just there to explain...well, I dunno "your girls have power; your oldest needs to be separated" and apart from you telling me that Sara pities Marie I wouldn't know how she felt at all.
Heh. I swear I'm not trying to be mean or anything :P Just honest.
~Reda
Ahem. Well. I'm going to go grammar/English-stabbity because it's what I do when I read something. I pay more attention to phrasing and word choice, too, so it's not like I'm an English teacher. :) No offense intended and I WILL talk of other things, I promise.
1st off:
I hate the word 'that'. Take a look at your first paragraph and count the times you use the word. It's a clutter-full word. Seriously. Most of the time, you don't need it at all. Or another word would explain more - while being more colorful too. I'm not going to take it apart piece by piece because I'm sure you can decide for yourself whether or not it's needed. :P
2nd paragraph:
"...ghosts were thought to of lived there." -have, not 'of'.
"So no one would know they existed, or, if they already did, they wouldn't be able to find it." - Who is 'they?' In this sentence alone, it's confusing because I have no idea who you're referring to. In all three instances.
3rd paragraph:
"She was about 5'5" - no need to be so exact on the height. Give us a visual aid to describe her height in relation to things around her, or even go so simply as to say "tall, average, short" what-have-you when describing height.
-
Okay, as far content. This being a prologue, it held the mysterious-aura I like to have in prologues - and by the way Sara says "they'll be after her" makes me curious to figure out who "they" are; I'm guessing the oldest has to be given away because she could overload on all of her sister's powers? I mean, they never actually say WHY - though I would think a mother would want further argument/explanation before agreeing to such a thing.
Anyway, overall, if I'm being honest, not exactly amazling for a prologue, but decent in that it makes the reader curious enough to move on. There isn't much as far as characterization insomuch as I feel the characters are just there to explain...well, I dunno "your girls have power; your oldest needs to be separated" and apart from you telling me that Sara pities Marie I wouldn't know how she felt at all.
Heh. I swear I'm not trying to be mean or anything :P Just honest.
~Reda
3/27/2009 c1 4Frayling0
Just read the prologue, interesting premise from summary, don't have a lot to say yet, but I'll be checking the rest out. - Luke
4Frayling0Just read the prologue, interesting premise from summary, don't have a lot to say yet, but I'll be checking the rest out. - Luke
12/29/2008 c1 58DaysTillSunday
Hm...decent start.
I think that it reminds me of the show Heroes, but with a different twist. I mean, this is only the prologue, but it sorta does. That being said, I still like it.
~8Days
58DaysTillSundayHm...decent start.
I think that it reminds me of the show Heroes, but with a different twist. I mean, this is only the prologue, but it sorta does. That being said, I still like it.
~8Days
11/23/2008 c17 3Selfishly-Yours
No! Retarded Heroes! I never liked that show, ever, and now I'm just ready to kill it.
I feel for you, it must be hard losing your story like this. I WILL read The Puppet Master thing so don't worry! You have not seen the last of me...
Pace,
Gilly ^^
3Selfishly-YoursNo! Retarded Heroes! I never liked that show, ever, and now I'm just ready to kill it.
I feel for you, it must be hard losing your story like this. I WILL read The Puppet Master thing so don't worry! You have not seen the last of me...
Pace,
Gilly ^^
11/17/2008 c3 12Randomness is Bliss
I'm sorry I didn't get to this sooner... XD
AH! Can't wait to read more! (can't 'cause gotta go) but so far, I like the feel! This story has pontential, all I have to say is try to slow down. At some points it sorta feels like your rushing through the info, As if your being buggyed through an art gallary rather than just walking through it. But of course, I might just be a slow bean! Great start!
I'll dive into more tomorrow!
This has been another infamous reveiw by
MidnightWalker!
12Randomness is BlissI'm sorry I didn't get to this sooner... XD
AH! Can't wait to read more! (can't 'cause gotta go) but so far, I like the feel! This story has pontential, all I have to say is try to slow down. At some points it sorta feels like your rushing through the info, As if your being buggyed through an art gallary rather than just walking through it. But of course, I might just be a slow bean! Great start!
I'll dive into more tomorrow!
This has been another infamous reveiw by
MidnightWalker!
7/10/2008 c10 O.obleckia
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAHBLAH
LOL she says shes gonna kill me its funny NO IM NOT DRUNK shes my cousin and i llike to annoy her
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAHBLAH
LOL she says shes gonna kill me its funny NO IM NOT DRUNK shes my cousin and i llike to annoy her
7/10/2008 c8 O.obleckia
Im just posting for reviews now ppl SHE WANT TO HIT 100 REVIEWS IM HELPING AND YES IM CRAZY
Im just posting for reviews now ppl SHE WANT TO HIT 100 REVIEWS IM HELPING AND YES IM CRAZY
7/10/2008 c7 O.obleckia
HIHI again inoe im so bored And to you ppl who thiink imm weird for posting for no reason I AM WEIRD AND THIS IS WUT I DO and guacamole i noe her personnaly in fact i see every friday
P.S. Im just tryiing to annoy her she hates when i post alot and its very funny OH and IM HYPER LOL XD
HIHI again inoe im so bored And to you ppl who thiink imm weird for posting for no reason I AM WEIRD AND THIS IS WUT I DO and guacamole i noe her personnaly in fact i see every friday
P.S. Im just tryiing to annoy her she hates when i post alot and its very funny OH and IM HYPER LOL XD
7/10/2008 c15 O.obleckia
HI! Im just boored now so scince i noe u i natrally want to bother you so lalalalala
HI! Im just boored now so scince i noe u i natrally want to bother you so lalalalala
7/10/2008 c1 O.obleckia
HI! this is duckybff1!Ya you noe me.Any way your storys have been coming out great Im more of a reader than a writer as you well noe.Im a very micky reader at that and I holeheartedly love your stories i read them up like there nothing!Keep on writing Your NEIHBOR ann
HI! this is duckybff1!Ya you noe me.Any way your storys have been coming out great Im more of a reader than a writer as you well noe.Im a very micky reader at that and I holeheartedly love your stories i read them up like there nothing!Keep on writing Your NEIHBOR ann
6/30/2008 c2 MakeSomethingUp
It really helps to read the chapters in order. Ha! You explained the characters just fine. I'm definitely going to keep reading.
Thanks.
MakeSomethingUp
It really helps to read the chapters in order. Ha! You explained the characters just fine. I'm definitely going to keep reading.
Thanks.
MakeSomethingUp
6/28/2008 c1 MakeSomethingUp
Ok. I gave a review earlier on the story of Marissa's first meeting with her Aunt. But, I'm new at this and I'm not sure where my review ended up. I hope you get this review. I thought this was very interesting. Since Marie had just recently died in the part that I read first, this puts a whole different feeling to the other story. It makes me want to read the other stories. Good job. I would really like for you or anyone else to review my first chapter of "Identites" under Supernatural. In fact I would love it.
Thanks for two interesting stories,
MakeSomethingUp
Ok. I gave a review earlier on the story of Marissa's first meeting with her Aunt. But, I'm new at this and I'm not sure where my review ended up. I hope you get this review. I thought this was very interesting. Since Marie had just recently died in the part that I read first, this puts a whole different feeling to the other story. It makes me want to read the other stories. Good job. I would really like for you or anyone else to review my first chapter of "Identites" under Supernatural. In fact I would love it.
Thanks for two interesting stories,
MakeSomethingUp
6/19/2008 c11 2MamiPapi
Very interesting storyline unlike the usual you see. What I'm wondering at this point though is how come Marissa or Pito can't simply read Marie's mind and find out about the secret organisation thingy.
2MamiPapiVery interesting storyline unlike the usual you see. What I'm wondering at this point though is how come Marissa or Pito can't simply read Marie's mind and find out about the secret organisation thingy.
4/13/2008 c2 15Grey Lemaire
1) 'Marissa sighed at the fact that she had the same breakfast everyday.'
I think this would run more smoothly if you said:
'Marissa sighed; she had the same breakfast everyday.'
2) 'As she entered the classroom, her fellow students were actually looking excited at something in the front of the classroom .'
Leave out the 'front of the classroom' bit, otherwise, she would probably immediately look to where they were all looking. Try:
'As she entered the classroom, she noticed that her fellow students were actually looking excited about something.
3) '"So, I’d like you to meet Evelyn(the blonde), Selena(the black-haired girl), Charlese(the red head), and Pito(the brunette) Matthews."'
It's not really correct to put something that isn't said in quotations, even when you are putting brackets around them. Instead, you could write:
'"So, I’d like you to meet Evelyn, Selena, Charlese, and Pito Matthews," she said, pointing at the blonde, the black-haired girl, the redhead and the brunette respectively.'
4) 'It seemed like they were going to be very fun and interesting people to hang around with.'
This is a strange comment. Why does she thinks this? You need to have some support for her making this statement.
15Grey Lemaire1) 'Marissa sighed at the fact that she had the same breakfast everyday.'
I think this would run more smoothly if you said:
'Marissa sighed; she had the same breakfast everyday.'
2) 'As she entered the classroom, her fellow students were actually looking excited at something in the front of the classroom .'
Leave out the 'front of the classroom' bit, otherwise, she would probably immediately look to where they were all looking. Try:
'As she entered the classroom, she noticed that her fellow students were actually looking excited about something.
3) '"So, I’d like you to meet Evelyn(the blonde), Selena(the black-haired girl), Charlese(the red head), and Pito(the brunette) Matthews."'
It's not really correct to put something that isn't said in quotations, even when you are putting brackets around them. Instead, you could write:
'"So, I’d like you to meet Evelyn, Selena, Charlese, and Pito Matthews," she said, pointing at the blonde, the black-haired girl, the redhead and the brunette respectively.'
4) 'It seemed like they were going to be very fun and interesting people to hang around with.'
This is a strange comment. Why does she thinks this? You need to have some support for her making this statement.