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4/20/2007 c1 7The Breakdancing Ninja
There's something about the ending lines that I don't like! Though the imagery and the candid nature of the piece is really awesome, I'm weak-minded and easily distracted by what I think is phallic. Gun equals penis, "it'll bring my son into the world"- and though the last line makes sense, I think it sounds too rhetorical "the death of me" makes sense, I understand. but it sounds like, yuck!

I know, I know. It's been like friggin' forever since this piece has been up, and this is the only thing I've been able to find that really irks me.

and maybe instead of "thigh", "hip" would be a little easier to see. over the top edit: "aiming at the ground" to "aiming hell-ward" LOLOLOL

your conscious use of certain words, like "your wife at ITS side" makes me smile though.

God, please don't tell me I'm useless. I'll cry.
3/10/2007 c1 she smolders
There's something powerful about this.
2/26/2007 c1 6marcelline
You wouldn't think I was a moron if I asked you to explain the end to me, maybe I'm a little too hopped on the Nyquil.

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