for Sebastian Bear Invisible Pervert6/27/2008 c21 
5Fayre Meira
so totally completely original - reminds me a lot of the movie Drop Dead Fred which made me cry, in hindsight... but I love how you've twisted the storyline. and gave it a much happier ending than DDF. I want my own Sebastian now lol
5Fayre Meiraso totally completely original - reminds me a lot of the movie Drop Dead Fred which made me cry, in hindsight... but I love how you've twisted the storyline. and gave it a much happier ending than DDF. I want my own Sebastian now lol
6/24/2008 c21 malitiadixie
Wow. I love this story. I put off writing my own just because I couldn't not finish reading this. It was wonderful and fun and I love Sebastian! I do have to do some writing though. But as soon as I get finished with my next chapter, I'm gonna come back and read another one of yours. Thank you for sharing it with us!
Wow. I love this story. I put off writing my own just because I couldn't not finish reading this. It was wonderful and fun and I love Sebastian! I do have to do some writing though. But as soon as I get finished with my next chapter, I'm gonna come back and read another one of yours. Thank you for sharing it with us!
6/22/2008 c1 1kat for president
I read through your whole story last night. It was lovely. I really enjoyed it and I can't wait to read your other stories. Keep it up! Being a fan of the leading couple, I of course, would love a sequel but great job with the story!
kat
1kat for presidentI read through your whole story last night. It was lovely. I really enjoyed it and I can't wait to read your other stories. Keep it up! Being a fan of the leading couple, I of course, would love a sequel but great job with the story!
kat
6/20/2008 c4 shhsilence
its bizarre and original ...^_^ An interesting idea
its bizarre and original ...^_^ An interesting idea
6/16/2008 c12 1Nenefee
Isn't that little David kid just adorable with being all blunt and clueless in an inapproproiate moment about embarrassing things or things others are not supposed to know. That's so cute.
1NenefeeIsn't that little David kid just adorable with being all blunt and clueless in an inapproproiate moment about embarrassing things or things others are not supposed to know. That's so cute.
6/16/2008 c21 4JammyMacca
Wow, your story is awesome. I don't normally review a story if it's completed when I read it but this is just so good I had too.
My heart was practically breaking when they knew they were going to be split and when they actually were, but I'm so glad he found a way back to her.
The characters are just so great =P
I REALLY hope you do another story with Lucian Boom in, and hopefully maybe have Seb and Madsy pop up ^-^
4JammyMaccaWow, your story is awesome. I don't normally review a story if it's completed when I read it but this is just so good I had too.
My heart was practically breaking when they knew they were going to be split and when they actually were, but I'm so glad he found a way back to her.
The characters are just so great =P
I REALLY hope you do another story with Lucian Boom in, and hopefully maybe have Seb and Madsy pop up ^-^
6/16/2008 c4 1Nenefee
LOL
“I poured a cool glass of whole milk [...]” - do I have to say it?
it's kind of magical though, the scene in the park
1NenefeeLOL
“I poured a cool glass of whole milk [...]” - do I have to say it?
it's kind of magical though, the scene in the park
6/16/2008 c2 Nenefee
“How in the hell had someone in my almost exact position feel sorry for me?” - this sound wrong, and confusing
“You’re not pitiful. I didn’t meant it...” - watch out for the tenses
“[...]crying like a young child” - if you don't intent it to be a stylistic device (the name of which I can't think of at the moment; you know like when you say black raven, or wet water-which are rather stupid examples, but I think you get what I mean) I would leave the young out. Or maybe you mean a toddler?
“She suck in just long enough(...)” - I believe it's meant to be snuck.
Nice chapter. I really don't like that Nolan guy all that much though. Such a jerk.
I would think about ending the chapter six lines earlier and turn the construction around maybe (I.e.: 'A thick a deliciously husky voice slid into my ears. “Stop wiggling, love. I am trying to sleep.”')(I really liked this comment^^) and the revelations Madeline has could be the start of the new chapter, maybe in form of questions like "was I dreaming?" or the like.?
“How in the hell had someone in my almost exact position feel sorry for me?” - this sound wrong, and confusing
“You’re not pitiful. I didn’t meant it...” - watch out for the tenses
“[...]crying like a young child” - if you don't intent it to be a stylistic device (the name of which I can't think of at the moment; you know like when you say black raven, or wet water-which are rather stupid examples, but I think you get what I mean) I would leave the young out. Or maybe you mean a toddler?
“She suck in just long enough(...)” - I believe it's meant to be snuck.
Nice chapter. I really don't like that Nolan guy all that much though. Such a jerk.
I would think about ending the chapter six lines earlier and turn the construction around maybe (I.e.: 'A thick a deliciously husky voice slid into my ears. “Stop wiggling, love. I am trying to sleep.”')(I really liked this comment^^) and the revelations Madeline has could be the start of the new chapter, maybe in form of questions like "was I dreaming?" or the like.?
6/16/2008 c1 Nenefee
“I was a strange and I would [...].” - I think you mean 'a strange person/girl
“I’m scared of old people, no all of them[...]” - t of not missing
“I recognized the bubble gum pop anthem quickly as my sisters.” - this sounds kinda confusing to me; first of all I think there's an ' missing, so it has to be sisters'. You maybe could also add something like 'my sisters' radio playing/ my sisters' wake-up-song/favorite song' etc etc so the sentence seems more complete.
Don't forget the comma before a name etc if someone is addressed in dialog (so for example before 'little man')
“There was no time for a shower now, not there was any hot water left.” - [...]not that there was[...]. If she is annoyed about her sisters using all the hot water you should add that to the sentence like e.g.'not that there was any hot water left after my sisters' excessive showering'; it'd show annoyance to a better extent. Without it it seems to be just an objective observation
There was that one percent again. - that was funny, and cute^^
I really liked the dialog between Madeline and her friend Nolan; and the teacher's attitude – he's the person you could hate if it weren't for his honest attitude (- does that make sense)
I think all in all it's a very good first chapter as the readers gets to know the main character and the most important persons in her life without being boring and at the same time the problem (?) is introduced. Maybe the relationship with the mother could be a little bit more developed; whereas I can picture the sisters, the little brother and Nolan, I don't feel like I got a significant description (I am not talking about outer appearance here) of the mother. But maybe she is just not important to the story/character development. Well, I'll find out if I read on...therefore got to go^^
Hope this is helpful
“I was a strange and I would [...].” - I think you mean 'a strange person/girl
“I’m scared of old people, no all of them[...]” - t of not missing
“I recognized the bubble gum pop anthem quickly as my sisters.” - this sounds kinda confusing to me; first of all I think there's an ' missing, so it has to be sisters'. You maybe could also add something like 'my sisters' radio playing/ my sisters' wake-up-song/favorite song' etc etc so the sentence seems more complete.
Don't forget the comma before a name etc if someone is addressed in dialog (so for example before 'little man')
“There was no time for a shower now, not there was any hot water left.” - [...]not that there was[...]. If she is annoyed about her sisters using all the hot water you should add that to the sentence like e.g.'not that there was any hot water left after my sisters' excessive showering'; it'd show annoyance to a better extent. Without it it seems to be just an objective observation
There was that one percent again. - that was funny, and cute^^
I really liked the dialog between Madeline and her friend Nolan; and the teacher's attitude – he's the person you could hate if it weren't for his honest attitude (- does that make sense)
I think all in all it's a very good first chapter as the readers gets to know the main character and the most important persons in her life without being boring and at the same time the problem (?) is introduced. Maybe the relationship with the mother could be a little bit more developed; whereas I can picture the sisters, the little brother and Nolan, I don't feel like I got a significant description (I am not talking about outer appearance here) of the mother. But maybe she is just not important to the story/character development. Well, I'll find out if I read on...therefore got to go^^
Hope this is helpful
6/13/2008 c21 Allie92
ah i am so sad its over god ! this has to be one of THE best stories if not THE best story i have ever read on here. its so different and original i love it and i wish it didnt have to end . nice epilogue by the way i taught it was perfect . i love the name of this story too its so cool and i can see it on a cover of a book in a bookshop . it has everything in it love, humour,suspense,sexual tension , fantasy and just enough of the bad stuff . id just like to say well done on this it really was amazing and i have also read most of your other stories my other favorite after this is skinny dipping with grove muarry and i am gonna go and read to kill a problem use a handgun !
ah i am so sad its over god ! this has to be one of THE best stories if not THE best story i have ever read on here. its so different and original i love it and i wish it didnt have to end . nice epilogue by the way i taught it was perfect . i love the name of this story too its so cool and i can see it on a cover of a book in a bookshop . it has everything in it love, humour,suspense,sexual tension , fantasy and just enough of the bad stuff . id just like to say well done on this it really was amazing and i have also read most of your other stories my other favorite after this is skinny dipping with grove muarry and i am gonna go and read to kill a problem use a handgun !
6/12/2008 c21 resalith
Wow someone should seriously make a movie out of this lol
It was an awesome story, great job =)
Wow someone should seriously make a movie out of this lol
It was an awesome story, great job =)
6/11/2008 c21 8Farly McNight
This chapter was really good. It was sweet and tender while still keeping the humor that I love about your stories. Just so you know you are officially a "sexy" writer. It was perfect, not too much detail in the raunchy kind of way, but just enough to make what they did beautiful. Congratulations on a wonderful ending for a wonderful story!
8Farly McNightThis chapter was really good. It was sweet and tender while still keeping the humor that I love about your stories. Just so you know you are officially a "sexy" writer. It was perfect, not too much detail in the raunchy kind of way, but just enough to make what they did beautiful. Congratulations on a wonderful ending for a wonderful story!
6/10/2008 c21 5The Happy Carrot
Wow...
just wow...
that is the only way to describe this masterpiece..
I never would have thought to have read something so original and endearing that hadn't been made into a novel yet!
Deffinitely publishable!
Well done my dear.. I envy you in so many ways!
My love always to the amazing writer you are!
-THC
5The Happy CarrotWow...
just wow...
that is the only way to describe this masterpiece..
I never would have thought to have read something so original and endearing that hadn't been made into a novel yet!
Deffinitely publishable!
Well done my dear.. I envy you in so many ways!
My love always to the amazing writer you are!
-THC