for Dream Angel6/13/2012 c2 
2Lynn W. Betson
Okay. First off, nice idea. It's interesting to see the contrast of the bed-ridden girl and the adventure-seeking bombshell (presumed shes a bombshell). Anyway, some comments:
The first chapter is solid enough. Obviously it isn't phenom writing...sentence structure and ESPECIALLY diction/syntax made it an awkward read. Same for the second chapter.
Since I've had the time to inadvertently glance at your last paragraph every time I open my browser, you last paragraph is a good example.
"Claws tore at my flesh and before long screams marred my throat." Okay, it works, but the meaning conveyed is probably different. "Before long" implies that Lyre has a remarkable threshold for pain. If she does, you'd better say so—but even then, it's awkward. It gives the image that she was completely stoic and then started screaming. "Marred my throat" is a phrase better suited for one's throat being torn out. It's all about context and weird grammar lore that I cannot explain in detail here.
Overall nice idea, but execution could use some work
-L. Betson
2Lynn W. BetsonOkay. First off, nice idea. It's interesting to see the contrast of the bed-ridden girl and the adventure-seeking bombshell (presumed shes a bombshell). Anyway, some comments:
The first chapter is solid enough. Obviously it isn't phenom writing...sentence structure and ESPECIALLY diction/syntax made it an awkward read. Same for the second chapter.
Since I've had the time to inadvertently glance at your last paragraph every time I open my browser, you last paragraph is a good example.
"Claws tore at my flesh and before long screams marred my throat." Okay, it works, but the meaning conveyed is probably different. "Before long" implies that Lyre has a remarkable threshold for pain. If she does, you'd better say so—but even then, it's awkward. It gives the image that she was completely stoic and then started screaming. "Marred my throat" is a phrase better suited for one's throat being torn out. It's all about context and weird grammar lore that I cannot explain in detail here.
Overall nice idea, but execution could use some work
-L. Betson
3/26/2009 c5 6Sleeper Baby
Interesting concept.
Not to sound like a homophobe (I'm really not)... I just don't like slash. Sorry.
But I will say, it's an extremely interesting plot. I'm jealous. ^_^'' Wish I would've thought of it first. However, this did inspire me. I got a new idea reading this story, so I thank you.
My only critiques are: "D...on't cry..." looks kind of silly. It would've looked better like this "D-...don't cry..." The dash implies that there was a pause. I also saw a few minor grammar errors, but that's nothing.
All in all, very good.
6Sleeper BabyInteresting concept.
Not to sound like a homophobe (I'm really not)... I just don't like slash. Sorry.
But I will say, it's an extremely interesting plot. I'm jealous. ^_^'' Wish I would've thought of it first. However, this did inspire me. I got a new idea reading this story, so I thank you.
My only critiques are: "D...on't cry..." looks kind of silly. It would've looked better like this "D-...don't cry..." The dash implies that there was a pause. I also saw a few minor grammar errors, but that's nothing.
All in all, very good.
7/7/2008 c2 1Goober Child
Thanks for the review on my story! ^_^
I get the feeling that teh first two chapters are pretty introductory...getting to know your characters. I'm looking forward to the action!
1Goober ChildThanks for the review on my story! ^_^
I get the feeling that teh first two chapters are pretty introductory...getting to know your characters. I'm looking forward to the action!
4/19/2008 c5 12Esther Jade
This chapter does seem to bring the two worlds closer together but I thought the emotional development was the more interesting aspect. Dependency relationships are quite complex things and I think you handled it well; you really portray your invalid Rei well.
One thing that bothered was the constant ellipses. They undermine their own effect when they are used so often.
- Esther, currently reviewing for the Review Game's Review Marathon (link in my profile)
Minor points:
I has to be strong for her. - Typo. had.
but I wasn;t sure if I was supposed to like it - Typo. wasn't.
12Esther JadeThis chapter does seem to bring the two worlds closer together but I thought the emotional development was the more interesting aspect. Dependency relationships are quite complex things and I think you handled it well; you really portray your invalid Rei well.
One thing that bothered was the constant ellipses. They undermine their own effect when they are used so often.
- Esther, currently reviewing for the Review Game's Review Marathon (link in my profile)
Minor points:
I has to be strong for her. - Typo. had.
but I wasn;t sure if I was supposed to like it - Typo. wasn't.
3/26/2008 c4 Esther Jade
Review game!
I like how you're building the connections between the two girls. Also I like the role reversal between the two of them at the beginning of the chapter - the weaker one giving the stronger motivation.
I'm not so mad about the second last paragraph of action. It feels like some of the words you use to describe the fight are a bit "jargony".
Minor points:
stompting overwhelmed me. - Stompting?
They were almost upon me, both of my legs were now free. - Comma splice. Correct with semi-colon or full stop.
Review game!
I like how you're building the connections between the two girls. Also I like the role reversal between the two of them at the beginning of the chapter - the weaker one giving the stronger motivation.
I'm not so mad about the second last paragraph of action. It feels like some of the words you use to describe the fight are a bit "jargony".
Minor points:
stompting overwhelmed me. - Stompting?
They were almost upon me, both of my legs were now free. - Comma splice. Correct with semi-colon or full stop.
3/26/2008 c3 Esther Jade
Review game!
I think you're building really great sympathy for Rei. Normally, I have a short fuse for tragic characters but I really feel for her. Her protection of her privacy, even if she uses it to cry, is so touching and strikes me as authentic.
I'm not so mad about your punctuation. The constant ellipses are starting to get on my nerves. Some of your dashes also feel funny and I've pointed out a number of comma splices below.
Minor points:
worst of all, inside Rei's worthless body, I could do nothing. - This sentence is missing its capital.
Most dismissed my tears, thinking them to be my ordinary cries. - You're using "Most" as a pronoun here, I think, and it isn't clear what noun you're referring back to (I can figure it out but the construction isn't grammatically correct).
Then, and only then - I think there should be another comma after the second "then".
Believing me to be within nocturne's sweet embrace - I like that description.
A feeling of having my innermost desires, ferars - An errant "r" crept in there.
Fear over the possibility losing - Possibility of losing...
"Doctor Hojo." .I greeted him - I see an errant full stop.
Neither of us had a particular fondness for each other, we never really did either. - These two clauses strike me as tautologous.
His hand rested itself upon his chin - Disembodied limbs...
His hand rested itself upon his chin, he had become lost in thought. - Also, that comma is creating a comma splice. I would suggest changing it to a semi-colon.
We both knew why that wasn't an option - Introduction of an interesting new mystery.
I've known her since I was about ten or so, back then, she was still an intern, fresh from college. - That first comma is creating a comma splice. For this one, I would recommend a full stop.
I think of her almost as a mother, only less... authoritative. - That gave me a smile.
Whatever time I do have for myself is spent crying. - *sniff*
Review game!
I think you're building really great sympathy for Rei. Normally, I have a short fuse for tragic characters but I really feel for her. Her protection of her privacy, even if she uses it to cry, is so touching and strikes me as authentic.
I'm not so mad about your punctuation. The constant ellipses are starting to get on my nerves. Some of your dashes also feel funny and I've pointed out a number of comma splices below.
Minor points:
worst of all, inside Rei's worthless body, I could do nothing. - This sentence is missing its capital.
Most dismissed my tears, thinking them to be my ordinary cries. - You're using "Most" as a pronoun here, I think, and it isn't clear what noun you're referring back to (I can figure it out but the construction isn't grammatically correct).
Then, and only then - I think there should be another comma after the second "then".
Believing me to be within nocturne's sweet embrace - I like that description.
A feeling of having my innermost desires, ferars - An errant "r" crept in there.
Fear over the possibility losing - Possibility of losing...
"Doctor Hojo." .I greeted him - I see an errant full stop.
Neither of us had a particular fondness for each other, we never really did either. - These two clauses strike me as tautologous.
His hand rested itself upon his chin - Disembodied limbs...
His hand rested itself upon his chin, he had become lost in thought. - Also, that comma is creating a comma splice. I would suggest changing it to a semi-colon.
We both knew why that wasn't an option - Introduction of an interesting new mystery.
I've known her since I was about ten or so, back then, she was still an intern, fresh from college. - That first comma is creating a comma splice. For this one, I would recommend a full stop.
I think of her almost as a mother, only less... authoritative. - That gave me a smile.
Whatever time I do have for myself is spent crying. - *sniff*
3/26/2008 c2 Esther Jade
Review game!
I like how you've differentiated the narrator in this character from the one in the first. I think it's very effective.
I comment on the specific instances below but I didn't like the way you ascribed Lyre's movements to her "feet" or her "vision" etc. It conjures up strange disembodied pictures for the reader and I read somewhere that publishers discourage it.
Minor points:
at times, even I run into... difficulties. - This sentence is missing its capital.
a collector of rare and often well-guarded artifacts - The "often" feels a bit vague to me. I'm not sure if you're referring back to the frequency with which he collects them or how often they're guarded. Also, the phrase feels a bit funny to me.
The main atrium held the 'jade key', I was to retrieve this artifact. - That comma is creating a comma splice. I would suggest changing it to a colon.
As I followed along the path before me - To me, the inclusion of "along" in this clause feels awkward.
Instinctively, my grip reached for my sword's haft. - Hm, I'm not so sure about movements initiated by things like "my grip". I read somewhere that movements like this can give a bit of a disembodied feel.
My vision glanced down quickly - Same as what I said before. It just feels weird. The person doesn't feel like a whole.
I advanced ito the main area - That "ito" should be an "into", I think.
My feet planted into its gut, and I launched the beast overhead. - I'm getting images of feet leaving the body and doing their own thing.
Review game!
I like how you've differentiated the narrator in this character from the one in the first. I think it's very effective.
I comment on the specific instances below but I didn't like the way you ascribed Lyre's movements to her "feet" or her "vision" etc. It conjures up strange disembodied pictures for the reader and I read somewhere that publishers discourage it.
Minor points:
at times, even I run into... difficulties. - This sentence is missing its capital.
a collector of rare and often well-guarded artifacts - The "often" feels a bit vague to me. I'm not sure if you're referring back to the frequency with which he collects them or how often they're guarded. Also, the phrase feels a bit funny to me.
The main atrium held the 'jade key', I was to retrieve this artifact. - That comma is creating a comma splice. I would suggest changing it to a colon.
As I followed along the path before me - To me, the inclusion of "along" in this clause feels awkward.
Instinctively, my grip reached for my sword's haft. - Hm, I'm not so sure about movements initiated by things like "my grip". I read somewhere that movements like this can give a bit of a disembodied feel.
My vision glanced down quickly - Same as what I said before. It just feels weird. The person doesn't feel like a whole.
I advanced ito the main area - That "ito" should be an "into", I think.
My feet planted into its gut, and I launched the beast overhead. - I'm getting images of feet leaving the body and doing their own thing.
3/26/2008 c1 Esther Jade
Review game!
I liked the feel of the first chapter. It had a sad feel to it but wasn't completely depressing (which is something I do not enjoy in a first chapter). There was a little bit of character that came through the writing (e.g. "other than rot in this bed.") that gave one something to hook onto emotionally.
It's not that I don't like the description for Lyre so much as I'm not sure how psychologically credible it is. Lyre sounds too different - rather than a theoretically possible but practically not probable - version of Rei. People tend to fantasise about perfected versions of themselves rather than something they could never be (as far as I understand it). When people do see themselves as really being something completely different, their physical appearance will start to shift. So, someone who fantasises about being blonde would try to die their head (as a simple example).
Review game!
I liked the feel of the first chapter. It had a sad feel to it but wasn't completely depressing (which is something I do not enjoy in a first chapter). There was a little bit of character that came through the writing (e.g. "other than rot in this bed.") that gave one something to hook onto emotionally.
It's not that I don't like the description for Lyre so much as I'm not sure how psychologically credible it is. Lyre sounds too different - rather than a theoretically possible but practically not probable - version of Rei. People tend to fantasise about perfected versions of themselves rather than something they could never be (as far as I understand it). When people do see themselves as really being something completely different, their physical appearance will start to shift. So, someone who fantasises about being blonde would try to die their head (as a simple example).
3/13/2008 c5 1Damius
This chapter was so sad and beautiful. I liked the way you represented Rei's mindset, so poetic -white snow and red earth, beautiful image- though it did make me feel a bit squeemish when I realised what it meant. Maybe a less macabre metaphor would be appropriate?
1DamiusThis chapter was so sad and beautiful. I liked the way you represented Rei's mindset, so poetic -white snow and red earth, beautiful image- though it did make me feel a bit squeemish when I realised what it meant. Maybe a less macabre metaphor would be appropriate?
3/13/2008 c4 Damius
I'm doing three and four together. Reading both of them i can see now that the two have influence over each other, they are both aware of their otherwordly counterparts. I was kinda hoping Hojo would get his ass thoroughly kicked by rei/lyre. It was funny to read her beating up what i assumer are the doctors.
I'm doing three and four together. Reading both of them i can see now that the two have influence over each other, they are both aware of their otherwordly counterparts. I was kinda hoping Hojo would get his ass thoroughly kicked by rei/lyre. It was funny to read her beating up what i assumer are the doctors.
3/13/2008 c2 Damius
This chapter being from another perspective is an interesting idea, Rei idolises Lyre's life, but Lyre finds her life difficult and without as much excitement as she would like. interesting concept.
This chapter being from another perspective is an interesting idea, Rei idolises Lyre's life, but Lyre finds her life difficult and without as much excitement as she would like. interesting concept.
3/13/2008 c1 Damius
I though it was delightfully twisted, i couldnt help but enjoy myself reading the first chapter. I can kinda relate to her, i used to have dreams where upon awakening a would spend a few seconds wondering which place was real before i remembered. Great opening, has me hooked.
I though it was delightfully twisted, i couldnt help but enjoy myself reading the first chapter. I can kinda relate to her, i used to have dreams where upon awakening a would spend a few seconds wondering which place was real before i remembered. Great opening, has me hooked.
3/5/2008 c4 4Kelsci J. Sceasel
Whoa. I'm really starting to rethink my psychological drama theory. It seems like Lyre and Rei are entirely different people...I'm still incredibly confused though. Unless Rei and Lyre switch places sometimes? I don't know, I'd have to see another chapter.
Dang, Lyre has major skillz. I can understand why Rei would want to be her. Nice action scene. I also liked how you were able to maintain the element of mystery. Only thing to suggest would be...writing another chapter because I still don't know what condition Rei has. :)
-Kelsci
4Kelsci J. SceaselWhoa. I'm really starting to rethink my psychological drama theory. It seems like Lyre and Rei are entirely different people...I'm still incredibly confused though. Unless Rei and Lyre switch places sometimes? I don't know, I'd have to see another chapter.
Dang, Lyre has major skillz. I can understand why Rei would want to be her. Nice action scene. I also liked how you were able to maintain the element of mystery. Only thing to suggest would be...writing another chapter because I still don't know what condition Rei has. :)
-Kelsci
3/4/2008 c3 Kelsci J. Sceasel
Ahh sorry I didn't review chapter 1 :( I was so excited to read the second chapter that I didn't even realize that I didn't write a review until Frac told me. To make up for it, I'll review all your chapters :)
Okay, so this chapter is pretty strong. It kind of reminds me of I Never Promised You a Rose Garden (wonderful book, btw), but I think Rei has a different condition than the girl in that book. Rei is being really bitter here, understandably so.
"'No!' I awoke screaming, the most unpleasant... emptiness filled my heart." It seems kind of awkward; how can emptiness FILL her heart? Maybe it should be something like "...I awoke screaming, feeling an unpleasant...emptiness."
All of Rei's emotions are right on-they're very believable. The fact that she held warmth for Nurse Lee is comforting because we wouldn't want it to be totally..."angsty," I guess. What would be really twisted is if it was fantasy or something and Lyre was real...but I think it's just a psychological drama, right?
Great work!
Kelsci
Ahh sorry I didn't review chapter 1 :( I was so excited to read the second chapter that I didn't even realize that I didn't write a review until Frac told me. To make up for it, I'll review all your chapters :)
Okay, so this chapter is pretty strong. It kind of reminds me of I Never Promised You a Rose Garden (wonderful book, btw), but I think Rei has a different condition than the girl in that book. Rei is being really bitter here, understandably so.
"'No!' I awoke screaming, the most unpleasant... emptiness filled my heart." It seems kind of awkward; how can emptiness FILL her heart? Maybe it should be something like "...I awoke screaming, feeling an unpleasant...emptiness."
All of Rei's emotions are right on-they're very believable. The fact that she held warmth for Nurse Lee is comforting because we wouldn't want it to be totally..."angsty," I guess. What would be really twisted is if it was fantasy or something and Lyre was real...but I think it's just a psychological drama, right?
Great work!
Kelsci
3/3/2008 c2 Kelsci J. Sceasel
Intriguing. Is Lyre Ayanami real?
Okay, I like your desriptive language. It makes me feel as if I'm actually in the story (like I'm actually Lyre). The only thing I would suggest is to maybe make some of the sentences less choppy, although I see you're probably doing that for stylistic purposes. Anyway, nice introduction to both (or should I say one...) characters.
Intriguing. Is Lyre Ayanami real?
Okay, I like your desriptive language. It makes me feel as if I'm actually in the story (like I'm actually Lyre). The only thing I would suggest is to maybe make some of the sentences less choppy, although I see you're probably doing that for stylistic purposes. Anyway, nice introduction to both (or should I say one...) characters.