for So still, darling9/5/2009 c1 eh
This is better than your last piece. I liked "never has a smile been lost on you." Very romantic. It is a little randomly connected to the line before it. We are forced to go from one image to another rather quickly (him sitting down carefully, then you smiling at him). You could stretch that part out to make both images more powerful. Same goes for the line after. Those are good lines, but they need something in between them. Otherwise, the transition is too abrupt. But I liked all of the lines in this poem better than your last one.
This is better than your last piece. I liked "never has a smile been lost on you." Very romantic. It is a little randomly connected to the line before it. We are forced to go from one image to another rather quickly (him sitting down carefully, then you smiling at him). You could stretch that part out to make both images more powerful. Same goes for the line after. Those are good lines, but they need something in between them. Otherwise, the transition is too abrupt. But I liked all of the lines in this poem better than your last one.
8/17/2007 c1 I'm Not On This Site
I love your use of parenthesis as a way of emphasizing and de-emphasizing at the same time, and your vivid depiction of physical sensations. "A gentle-fingered kiss." "So those noiseful crowds could not hear how beautiful I was." It's so sweet, sensual and yet innocent, not to mention original. Your style sticks in my mind.
I love your use of parenthesis as a way of emphasizing and de-emphasizing at the same time, and your vivid depiction of physical sensations. "A gentle-fingered kiss." "So those noiseful crowds could not hear how beautiful I was." It's so sweet, sensual and yet innocent, not to mention original. Your style sticks in my mind.
3/13/2007 c1 
829Anaare
Indeed a somewhat eerie poem, which is a wonderful effect. It's a beautiful piece, quite enjoyed it. Good work, good work.
829AnaareIndeed a somewhat eerie poem, which is a wonderful effect. It's a beautiful piece, quite enjoyed it. Good work, good work.
3/10/2007 c1 she smolders
There's something meaningful under the surface of this that I cannot say in just mere words.
There's something meaningful under the surface of this that I cannot say in just mere words.
3/6/2007 c1 65Nemonus
Ooh, that's unique. "Still" gains meanings. Or maybe that's just me. Whatever-then, it would simply mean that I have applied your words to my life, which a poet should want.
Your rhythm and grammar is fine. I like the imagery of "grease-stained". It makes the whole thing, where it could be romantic and innocent, grotesque and creepy. Good poem.
65NemonusOoh, that's unique. "Still" gains meanings. Or maybe that's just me. Whatever-then, it would simply mean that I have applied your words to my life, which a poet should want.
Your rhythm and grammar is fine. I like the imagery of "grease-stained". It makes the whole thing, where it could be romantic and innocent, grotesque and creepy. Good poem.
3/1/2007 c1 871no.peace.los.angeles
Ooh, that was slightly creepy. I mean, I know it's supposed to be this guy sneaking up on a girl, surprising her by whispering to her that she's beautiful, but it felt creepy. Not that that's a bad thing. Oh, beautiful. Keep writing! :)
871no.peace.los.angelesOoh, that was slightly creepy. I mean, I know it's supposed to be this guy sneaking up on a girl, surprising her by whispering to her that she's beautiful, but it felt creepy. Not that that's a bad thing. Oh, beautiful. Keep writing! :)
3/1/2007 c1 96Doodleflip
Oh lovely. It's quite enigmatic, but the essence is quite sharp and clear. It's all in the imagery, in the attention to detail, that makes this poem stand out. Very nice.
96DoodleflipOh lovely. It's quite enigmatic, but the essence is quite sharp and clear. It's all in the imagery, in the attention to detail, that makes this poem stand out. Very nice.
2/28/2007 c1 1rage of aquarius
oh, oh, oh. i feel that i am mentally unable to tackle what your true intentions were when writing this. but, at least in my mind:
i love the potential for sarcasm in the parenthetical "darling" and "honey" bits.
grease-stained ANYthing, especially hand, on flesh gives me the creeps, especially when it's juxtaposed with "gentle-fingered kiss."
"since the bench/beside me was cold, you/joined me carefully" reads as if the "honey" treats uncomfortable and undesirable circumstances (like sitting on a cold bench) gingerly, as if by positioning himorherself so carefully beside hisorher loved one on a cold bench is something of a condescension to hisorher own comfort.
all these uncomfortable images, all the stillness, remind me of...ice. and when situated with "never has/a smile been lost on you," all those images of romance you deftly present, it's particularly haunting, particularly maddening.
to quote ani difranco, if i may: o my my.
1rage of aquariusoh, oh, oh. i feel that i am mentally unable to tackle what your true intentions were when writing this. but, at least in my mind:
i love the potential for sarcasm in the parenthetical "darling" and "honey" bits.
grease-stained ANYthing, especially hand, on flesh gives me the creeps, especially when it's juxtaposed with "gentle-fingered kiss."
"since the bench/beside me was cold, you/joined me carefully" reads as if the "honey" treats uncomfortable and undesirable circumstances (like sitting on a cold bench) gingerly, as if by positioning himorherself so carefully beside hisorher loved one on a cold bench is something of a condescension to hisorher own comfort.
all these uncomfortable images, all the stillness, remind me of...ice. and when situated with "never has/a smile been lost on you," all those images of romance you deftly present, it's particularly haunting, particularly maddening.
to quote ani difranco, if i may: o my my.
2/28/2007 c1 879Moondog Dozier
This presents quite a scene, as it contains both the general, and the specific aspects of the situation. I like how this establishes an e.e. cummings kind of spirit, while still drawing in individual touches that elevate it's uniqueness. Great write.
879Moondog DozierThis presents quite a scene, as it contains both the general, and the specific aspects of the situation. I like how this establishes an e.e. cummings kind of spirit, while still drawing in individual touches that elevate it's uniqueness. Great write.