for Phoenix Circle5/29/2007 c3 
6Carmel March
This is a wonderful story so far. I love the way you write the dialogue. I can just hear the conversations between the characters in my head. Good job on this, and I can't wait for more!
~carm~
6Carmel MarchThis is a wonderful story so far. I love the way you write the dialogue. I can just hear the conversations between the characters in my head. Good job on this, and I can't wait for more!
~carm~
5/10/2007 c3 MeiLeeCalifornia
A 13-year old in 10th grade? I remember being 13th, I didn't even like Jr. high... Anyways, look forward to reading more and hope you write soon!
Quick note:
"HE eyes were bright blue" - you meant "her"? :)
I'm writing my first story, would appreciate any constructive criticism and encouragement on "This Adventure Called Love..."
A 13-year old in 10th grade? I remember being 13th, I didn't even like Jr. high... Anyways, look forward to reading more and hope you write soon!
Quick note:
"HE eyes were bright blue" - you meant "her"? :)
I'm writing my first story, would appreciate any constructive criticism and encouragement on "This Adventure Called Love..."
5/10/2007 c2 MeiLeeCalifornia
Lol, and furniture is the thing I think second most important. I like your progression.
* Quick question, I was a little confused... You wrote:
"This one was..."
Was it supposed to trail off or where you going to add detail later? Wasn't sure if I missed something.
Lol, and furniture is the thing I think second most important. I like your progression.
* Quick question, I was a little confused... You wrote:
"This one was..."
Was it supposed to trail off or where you going to add detail later? Wasn't sure if I missed something.
5/10/2007 c1 MeiLeeCalifornia
I think a view is the most important part of where you live. I just moved from an apartment that a view of the beautiful San Gabriel mountains in Southern California, I was almost literally at the base of it.
I digress... I'm looking forward to reading your stuff, seem like you're a good writer. I'm new at writing, so I like to see good examples :) Off to the next chapter...
I think a view is the most important part of where you live. I just moved from an apartment that a view of the beautiful San Gabriel mountains in Southern California, I was almost literally at the base of it.
I digress... I'm looking forward to reading your stuff, seem like you're a good writer. I'm new at writing, so I like to see good examples :) Off to the next chapter...
3/14/2007 c3 12elisefey
You've finally said her name! Cool. It fits with her mom being an artist. I like the new development of her being so smart, though that definitely already comes across in her narrative voice. There's a nice feeling of slight mystery to this story and I'm curious to see where you'll take it. Keep it up!
12elisefeyYou've finally said her name! Cool. It fits with her mom being an artist. I like the new development of her being so smart, though that definitely already comes across in her narrative voice. There's a nice feeling of slight mystery to this story and I'm curious to see where you'll take it. Keep it up!
3/14/2007 c1 elisefey
Quick thing:
[Yet, that’s what I was called. Phoenix Circle.] I think you mean "it" instead of "I".
Anyway, I love the parents' choice of house; it's like instant characterization. Very nice. I also like the way the narrator questions things, her curiosity engages the reader. This is definitely a strong beginning.
Quick thing:
[Yet, that’s what I was called. Phoenix Circle.] I think you mean "it" instead of "I".
Anyway, I love the parents' choice of house; it's like instant characterization. Very nice. I also like the way the narrator questions things, her curiosity engages the reader. This is definitely a strong beginning.
3/5/2007 c3 1Tatiana Moore
O, longer chapter...good!
OH... i'm wondering... ever thought about putting 1 and 2 in a "prologue" of sorts? Since they're shorter and everything... just an idea.
OKay... what were reasons one and two? I'm not sure that you clearly marked them as reason one: we're a kooky artist family, number two: we don't have dogs (i'm not sure what number two was). I don't know if you'll want to say what the previous ones were more specifically. That's crap that people don't answer their door... but them, i never went to meet my neighbors either. HAHA.
So their address is 13 Phoenix Circle? Also... wouldn't the houses be in order by number? Her house is in the middle of the circle, so I'd think of seven or so. Maybe explain a little about the numbering?
Would still like a little more information about where she's come from (the ranch), and how it's different from this neighborhood. You did answer my question about why she might not have seen a circle before. They don't have circles in the country. Very good... would also like to know more about mom and dad's careers and these business trips they've all gone on.
Ahh so the reason for the move comes out... good reason. So, how far are they from the ranch then? Could she run away when things get hard?
Ah... so the 13 year old 10th grader comes back! ;) I'm really liking this. I thought your description of the office and Miss Potter was really good... would like to see a little bit more of that when you describe the others, expecially the furniture guy and her parents.
You better keep this up!
1Tatiana MooreO, longer chapter...good!
OH... i'm wondering... ever thought about putting 1 and 2 in a "prologue" of sorts? Since they're shorter and everything... just an idea.
OKay... what were reasons one and two? I'm not sure that you clearly marked them as reason one: we're a kooky artist family, number two: we don't have dogs (i'm not sure what number two was). I don't know if you'll want to say what the previous ones were more specifically. That's crap that people don't answer their door... but them, i never went to meet my neighbors either. HAHA.
So their address is 13 Phoenix Circle? Also... wouldn't the houses be in order by number? Her house is in the middle of the circle, so I'd think of seven or so. Maybe explain a little about the numbering?
Would still like a little more information about where she's come from (the ranch), and how it's different from this neighborhood. You did answer my question about why she might not have seen a circle before. They don't have circles in the country. Very good... would also like to know more about mom and dad's careers and these business trips they've all gone on.
Ahh so the reason for the move comes out... good reason. So, how far are they from the ranch then? Could she run away when things get hard?
Ah... so the 13 year old 10th grader comes back! ;) I'm really liking this. I thought your description of the office and Miss Potter was really good... would like to see a little bit more of that when you describe the others, expecially the furniture guy and her parents.
You better keep this up!
3/5/2007 c2 Tatiana Moore
So... what are they sleeping on? Maybe it doesn't matter in since you have them finished with the house at the beginning of this chapter. But I did wonder that... did they set up a tent in the front yard? HAHA... that would make them totally different. Man... all this fixing up makes me want to paint something. No lie. :) AH she slept on the floor! HAHA... I knew you'd probably answer that question eventually.
Um... suggestion, maybe you could kinda compare and contrast her life on the ranch compared to this new "modern" house? Seems like the furniture guy is a big character... or at least important at this point. Maybe describe him a little... is he acting weird besides asking all of the questions? Is he touching stuff? Trying to see behind closed doors, etc.? I wonder if he'll be one of the neighbors... hm :)
So... what are they sleeping on? Maybe it doesn't matter in since you have them finished with the house at the beginning of this chapter. But I did wonder that... did they set up a tent in the front yard? HAHA... that would make them totally different. Man... all this fixing up makes me want to paint something. No lie. :) AH she slept on the floor! HAHA... I knew you'd probably answer that question eventually.
Um... suggestion, maybe you could kinda compare and contrast her life on the ranch compared to this new "modern" house? Seems like the furniture guy is a big character... or at least important at this point. Maybe describe him a little... is he acting weird besides asking all of the questions? Is he touching stuff? Trying to see behind closed doors, etc.? I wonder if he'll be one of the neighbors... hm :)
3/5/2007 c1 Tatiana Moore
O... here we go... will comment as I read. ;)
I'm wondering if you should explain an old-school thermometer a little more... give more description about it and about why the circle looks like it. Something about the houses sticking up like hashmarks, 80 degrees, 80.5 degrees, 98.6 degrees, etc. I mentioned this because I had to think about what the end of one of those themometers looked like. I know that the tip had a silver casing, and the top was sorta flat... if I remember correctly. I don't know, something to think about.
Second sentence "I" should be "it" right? Also... it maybe kinda cool to hear about where she's come from before. I'm wonder though, how can she not have seen a circle before? Maybe if she lived in the cities before and not suburbs... but then, maybe you explain... let me read more.
O... vacant since the circle existed... i like that... brings a mystery about the house. I'm not really feeling the end of this section tough starting with "When I finally saw the house"... maybe explain the "matchbox" thing... I'm thinking you mean square sticks in the mud, all the same, etc. Maybe even say why they're different... it could be just one thing. Like she could see the typical family dog (golden retriever or whatever), which was no match to her mother's yipping Chiwawa (sp?)...
Oh... haha, scratch the pet part! Or maybe they can have lizards or big albino boaconstrictors!
Really liking the back glass wall thing behind the garage. That's pretty unique actually! But I can see this house as being totally weird looking with the garage like that :). Good job!
"off to work we got"... the got is funny to me. Maybe have her move into what's going to be her room, maybe she can hum "whistle why you work" haha... this is great B... i'm excited to read the next chp!
O... here we go... will comment as I read. ;)
I'm wondering if you should explain an old-school thermometer a little more... give more description about it and about why the circle looks like it. Something about the houses sticking up like hashmarks, 80 degrees, 80.5 degrees, 98.6 degrees, etc. I mentioned this because I had to think about what the end of one of those themometers looked like. I know that the tip had a silver casing, and the top was sorta flat... if I remember correctly. I don't know, something to think about.
Second sentence "I" should be "it" right? Also... it maybe kinda cool to hear about where she's come from before. I'm wonder though, how can she not have seen a circle before? Maybe if she lived in the cities before and not suburbs... but then, maybe you explain... let me read more.
O... vacant since the circle existed... i like that... brings a mystery about the house. I'm not really feeling the end of this section tough starting with "When I finally saw the house"... maybe explain the "matchbox" thing... I'm thinking you mean square sticks in the mud, all the same, etc. Maybe even say why they're different... it could be just one thing. Like she could see the typical family dog (golden retriever or whatever), which was no match to her mother's yipping Chiwawa (sp?)...
Oh... haha, scratch the pet part! Or maybe they can have lizards or big albino boaconstrictors!
Really liking the back glass wall thing behind the garage. That's pretty unique actually! But I can see this house as being totally weird looking with the garage like that :). Good job!
"off to work we got"... the got is funny to me. Maybe have her move into what's going to be her room, maybe she can hum "whistle why you work" haha... this is great B... i'm excited to read the next chp!