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for You Laugh Because I'm Different

7/3/2011 c2 jaydedjen
Okay. This is the author of this story. Long story short, I forgot my login for the account this story is on. IF I cannot get it back, I'm going to repost it under this account name. Just letting you all know why I haven't updated this thing in like three, four years. .
3/6/2008 c2 Blah46
I think it's great.

It's exactly my kind of story.

You're a really great author.

I can't wait for another chapter.
3/5/2007 c1 Wind in the West
Your writing style is nice.

If you want to get people hooked though, you might need to work a bit on the writing. Providing back story is nice, but you shouldn't start with very much of it if your chapter isn't very long (long would be 30 to 50 words). The attention span of many people won't be long and if you give them 6 paragraphs with backstory followed by some action, they might skip it. Readers on FP are spoiled and you have to convince them your story is worth reading in a few paragraphs.

I don't say the chapter is bad :-).

I do say providing lots of backstory (note: Lots as "there is more backstory than action in the story and therefore there seems to be a lot of backstory. This ammount of backstory in a longer chapter wouldn't have been much backstory of course) makes sure the forward momentum/movement of the story is being stopped.

People like description and backstory, but you have to make sure you don't throw out big chunks. Spread it if you can. Your first paragraph grabs my interest though.

Maybe your chapter would be even better if you had stopped writing at an interesting point. As in a point that made people hungry for more. You give a quick taste of what's to come, which will make people curious, but you have to push it a bit more. I think that if you wrote a bit of a cliffie/ended at a interesting point people would come back for more. In the ending of this chapter everything seems "solved. " You started up the action (the flight), you ended it, but the chapter itself doesn't leave any real questions. The preview instead makes me a bit more curious.

You are talking about a surprise in your last line. If the house or the neighbours are very interesting, you could have written a bit more. Like that the house is like if it really is a surprise (like a spooky mansion or something), or you could already write something to fuel our interest about the neighbours.

" When we stepped out of the car, I had to step out of the way in order to avoid being hit by a dazzling flash of colour, which turned out to be a guy. He didn't appologize. Instead he stormed into the house next to us. "

This is just an example, but what I mean is; write something that makes us want to read further. Your summary and preview show us what is to come, but reading something in the chapter that makes you want to read more is nicer.

This is quite a long review, but believe me, if I hadn't liked the story I wouldn't have reviewed. I am curious about what is coming!
3/4/2007 c1 6Onion Ring
I like.. can't wait to see what happens but this seems more of a prologue than an actual chapter. and ugh i lived near long island.. oy.
3/4/2007 c1 ironicdeathx
Good, interesting plot, but you need much more dialogue. Although it's good to explain the background of a character, you should let that gradually come through-out the story. Don't bombard the reader with information in the beginning.

I think this story has great potential but for the next chapter, make sure there is more dialogue and less explaining.

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