for The Athaleran Chronicles: Bones and Spirits Broken8/14/2007 c5 
1Lady-Hitokiri
Whoa, I have no idea what happened. I guess over the summer I kind of left this story. . Woops. Not to say that I don't want to read it- I really do. But I guess I'm not in front of the computer all the time like during school, so I just sort of forgot. Sorry. But anyway, I'm reviewing and hope that you will continue this story. I love it, I really do.
Hm, I really want to know if Ranzier and co. are the traitors...that was my suspicion but who knows? I liked the description of the weapons and battle stuff, although it seemed to go a little fast around the scene involving Skeffub and his death. I think this chapter was really great though. Like I said before, it'd be awesome if you updated once you had the time and motivation. I will definitely be more prompt in reading your updates. :)
1Lady-HitokiriWhoa, I have no idea what happened. I guess over the summer I kind of left this story. . Woops. Not to say that I don't want to read it- I really do. But I guess I'm not in front of the computer all the time like during school, so I just sort of forgot. Sorry. But anyway, I'm reviewing and hope that you will continue this story. I love it, I really do.
Hm, I really want to know if Ranzier and co. are the traitors...that was my suspicion but who knows? I liked the description of the weapons and battle stuff, although it seemed to go a little fast around the scene involving Skeffub and his death. I think this chapter was really great though. Like I said before, it'd be awesome if you updated once you had the time and motivation. I will definitely be more prompt in reading your updates. :)
4/18/2007 c5 132mizu no kokoro
Overall, good story going here. a lot of terms and places and unique names to remember, but who knows, the next LOD? hahaha. great job
keep writing!
132mizu no kokoroOverall, good story going here. a lot of terms and places and unique names to remember, but who knows, the next LOD? hahaha. great job
keep writing!
4/18/2007 c4 mizu no kokoro
too many characters? i'm starting to get confused. hmm, no one, or no-one, not sure. and how do you frown, ambiguously? if you frown, its simply frowning... right?
too many characters? i'm starting to get confused. hmm, no one, or no-one, not sure. and how do you frown, ambiguously? if you frown, its simply frowning... right?
4/18/2007 c2 mizu no kokoro
dialogue. well done, but more variety? it gets dull with too many so-so said, and that person said. etc. =]
dialogue. well done, but more variety? it gets dull with too many so-so said, and that person said. etc. =]
4/18/2007 c1 mizu no kokoro
for some reason the name Marrack reminds me of Merrick, which reminds me of vampired and reminds me of Anne Rice @@ but thats irrelevant. an engaging first chapter.
for some reason the name Marrack reminds me of Merrick, which reminds me of vampired and reminds me of Anne Rice @@ but thats irrelevant. an engaging first chapter.
4/17/2007 c1 6acriter
This story is pretty tense... Am afraid I only had time for one chapter but I want to know more! Is this the second in a series? Will check back later for more! What is the creature exactly?
Check out my story...
6acriterThis story is pretty tense... Am afraid I only had time for one chapter but I want to know more! Is this the second in a series? Will check back later for more! What is the creature exactly?
Check out my story...
4/6/2007 c4 1Lady-Hitokiri
I forgot to mention this from the last chapter, but...Marrack's married? And has kids? When I read that, it felt like I should've known it, but I know that it never really occurred to me that he did have a family. It would be awesome to know who they are specifically and have them all join up though. Especially since his son is less fighting-oriented, I'm sure it would be interesting. :)
I thought it was cool how you described the clans! They are really well thought out and each one is unique. If only I could draw well, and get pics of them. :P I like how the Sneak clan's speed depends on the temperature, which relates them to the cold-blooded reptiles of modern Earth. Nice work on the whole Halfman Call scenes here. I'm curious to know if Wy is a female or a male, or if there's just no real distinction at all.
Ranzier sure does not seem pleasant at all! I really want to know who the traitor clans are. I've got an idea, but as seen from this chapter, it's really hard to tell for sure. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this though, and await the fifth chapter. Until next time! ~
1Lady-HitokiriI forgot to mention this from the last chapter, but...Marrack's married? And has kids? When I read that, it felt like I should've known it, but I know that it never really occurred to me that he did have a family. It would be awesome to know who they are specifically and have them all join up though. Especially since his son is less fighting-oriented, I'm sure it would be interesting. :)
I thought it was cool how you described the clans! They are really well thought out and each one is unique. If only I could draw well, and get pics of them. :P I like how the Sneak clan's speed depends on the temperature, which relates them to the cold-blooded reptiles of modern Earth. Nice work on the whole Halfman Call scenes here. I'm curious to know if Wy is a female or a male, or if there's just no real distinction at all.
Ranzier sure does not seem pleasant at all! I really want to know who the traitor clans are. I've got an idea, but as seen from this chapter, it's really hard to tell for sure. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this though, and await the fifth chapter. Until next time! ~
4/2/2007 c3 Lady-Hitokiri
Heh heh, I'm serious, Rozo (or Ad, whichever you'd prefer to be called), I'm loving every second of this story. I found this chapter particularly funny at several parts, like the apple scene (how Marrack mentioned taking a bite out of Eagath), and a few lines from the ending conversation, as well as other parts. And yet, interspersed between the humor is the dark side. Not only did I find the information about the major/minor clans and the sort of hierarchy there is between them interesting, but the story that Marrack told really was a great reminder and summed everything up nicely.
Aw, I almost forgot about Keethra and Janaris! I'm glad to know a little more about them too. This fic is heading in the right direction, definitely. I'd have to say that it's leaning towards my favorite so far, although that's hard to say because I loved your other stories, too. :) Keep up the awesome work and don't be discouraged by the lack of reviewers. Numbers mean nothing. :P
Heh heh, I'm serious, Rozo (or Ad, whichever you'd prefer to be called), I'm loving every second of this story. I found this chapter particularly funny at several parts, like the apple scene (how Marrack mentioned taking a bite out of Eagath), and a few lines from the ending conversation, as well as other parts. And yet, interspersed between the humor is the dark side. Not only did I find the information about the major/minor clans and the sort of hierarchy there is between them interesting, but the story that Marrack told really was a great reminder and summed everything up nicely.
Aw, I almost forgot about Keethra and Janaris! I'm glad to know a little more about them too. This fic is heading in the right direction, definitely. I'd have to say that it's leaning towards my favorite so far, although that's hard to say because I loved your other stories, too. :) Keep up the awesome work and don't be discouraged by the lack of reviewers. Numbers mean nothing. :P
4/2/2007 c3 dreamshell
Hey, I caught myself up on your first three chapters of Ath 2 and I'm liking it a whole lot. It feels like a perfect continuation of Redemption. Nothing's contrived or forced, it makes total sense. Ath 1 we discover the Banished are planning some nasty things, so in Ath 2, of course there's counter measures being done to try and prepare for some conflict.
I like the potential that the Marrack-Solo back and forth has. Marrack with his smartass remarks and Solo with his kind of awkward replies. You've got a few good chuckles out of me thus far.
I like all the Halfmen backstory. Interesting stuff. And the lines "Despise was just as common as envy. Both sides had this human weakness" are great and really say a lot.
The King of Caves is awesome, man. I love the idea of that thing. Some weird, semi-tangible entity that is made of smoke, but has corporeal arms that can grab you, and also it can melt freaking ROCK. Very cool.
All the different clan names were cool. I especially liked Windtail and Slipskin for some reason.
Aynaruan sounds even more barbaric and ruthless than the last Banished leader we ran into. And with one hell of a set of armor. The Nightsingers (great name, by the way) sound bizarre-looking, being half-frog people. Definitely liking it. And the 'Googles' thing was amusing, too.
Nice how you bring back Elps a little bit, using his sword to take down that eel creature. And the idea the the Halfmen honor the dead by keeping their weapons with them is a neat one. Plus, it always helps to have a few extra weapons at your disposal. Especially in Athalera, it seems.
Liked the "mite 'n 'tite forest". Clever, man.
Treejumpers sound weird and cool. I like their names, too; Siwid, Wy, Leui, Meyna. Neat. And the descriptions of getting to and of Templar City were impressive. I could picture it very well in the ol' cerebral cinema. Also, I liked the callback on Keethra. And the scene where those creepy snake-things burst out of Eagath and the other soldiers' throats. Man, you're just killing off everybody, aren't ya?
Nice callback to the Anxalet fire, too. We gonna be seeing that lizard guy (or others like him)?
Also liked the little bit about Janaris (and Marrack's aversion to heights).
Looking forward to more!
-dreamshell-
Hey, I caught myself up on your first three chapters of Ath 2 and I'm liking it a whole lot. It feels like a perfect continuation of Redemption. Nothing's contrived or forced, it makes total sense. Ath 1 we discover the Banished are planning some nasty things, so in Ath 2, of course there's counter measures being done to try and prepare for some conflict.
I like the potential that the Marrack-Solo back and forth has. Marrack with his smartass remarks and Solo with his kind of awkward replies. You've got a few good chuckles out of me thus far.
I like all the Halfmen backstory. Interesting stuff. And the lines "Despise was just as common as envy. Both sides had this human weakness" are great and really say a lot.
The King of Caves is awesome, man. I love the idea of that thing. Some weird, semi-tangible entity that is made of smoke, but has corporeal arms that can grab you, and also it can melt freaking ROCK. Very cool.
All the different clan names were cool. I especially liked Windtail and Slipskin for some reason.
Aynaruan sounds even more barbaric and ruthless than the last Banished leader we ran into. And with one hell of a set of armor. The Nightsingers (great name, by the way) sound bizarre-looking, being half-frog people. Definitely liking it. And the 'Googles' thing was amusing, too.
Nice how you bring back Elps a little bit, using his sword to take down that eel creature. And the idea the the Halfmen honor the dead by keeping their weapons with them is a neat one. Plus, it always helps to have a few extra weapons at your disposal. Especially in Athalera, it seems.
Liked the "mite 'n 'tite forest". Clever, man.
Treejumpers sound weird and cool. I like their names, too; Siwid, Wy, Leui, Meyna. Neat. And the descriptions of getting to and of Templar City were impressive. I could picture it very well in the ol' cerebral cinema. Also, I liked the callback on Keethra. And the scene where those creepy snake-things burst out of Eagath and the other soldiers' throats. Man, you're just killing off everybody, aren't ya?
Nice callback to the Anxalet fire, too. We gonna be seeing that lizard guy (or others like him)?
Also liked the little bit about Janaris (and Marrack's aversion to heights).
Looking forward to more!
-dreamshell-
3/31/2007 c2 Lady-Hitokiri
You've certainly done it again with this chapter- another great read. I was on the edge of my seat, literally (sorry, I know it's a cliche phrase). Marrack seems to be pretty good at getting himself out of tight jams, and thinking quickly under pressure. It was a good and bad idea to tear the statues down...good at first but bad 'cause he didn't know that they were being worshiped. First off, let me just say that Aynaruan is completely freaky. XD I loved your description of her because I could just picture the bones and flesh and everything else. The Nightsingers were well described too, and I especially liked the nickname that Marrack gave to Toloun- 'Goggles'. That was funny.
I also liked the line: 'We come in peace. We'd like to go in one piece too.' That was pretty funny. Unfortunately that didn't quite work out, as you've been killing off those other soldiers pretty quickly and the numbers are certainly dwindling. I'm glad that you stuck in reminders of Elps and Balgard in here- I miss them! I'm excited too see what the Treejumpers are all about and if they can really help Marrack and the others. :)
Overall, great chapter and excitement. I like the characters and you've done a good job of giving them uniqueness and personality. There were a couple minor spelling or grammar errors, but nothing big. You really have something to be proud of though. I hope others can read this story (and Redemption) because they're missing out. Good luck working on the next chapter and I'll definitely be looking out for when you post it up. :D
You've certainly done it again with this chapter- another great read. I was on the edge of my seat, literally (sorry, I know it's a cliche phrase). Marrack seems to be pretty good at getting himself out of tight jams, and thinking quickly under pressure. It was a good and bad idea to tear the statues down...good at first but bad 'cause he didn't know that they were being worshiped. First off, let me just say that Aynaruan is completely freaky. XD I loved your description of her because I could just picture the bones and flesh and everything else. The Nightsingers were well described too, and I especially liked the nickname that Marrack gave to Toloun- 'Goggles'. That was funny.
I also liked the line: 'We come in peace. We'd like to go in one piece too.' That was pretty funny. Unfortunately that didn't quite work out, as you've been killing off those other soldiers pretty quickly and the numbers are certainly dwindling. I'm glad that you stuck in reminders of Elps and Balgard in here- I miss them! I'm excited too see what the Treejumpers are all about and if they can really help Marrack and the others. :)
Overall, great chapter and excitement. I like the characters and you've done a good job of giving them uniqueness and personality. There were a couple minor spelling or grammar errors, but nothing big. You really have something to be proud of though. I hope others can read this story (and Redemption) because they're missing out. Good luck working on the next chapter and I'll definitely be looking out for when you post it up. :D
3/31/2007 c1 Lady-Hitokiri
Wow. That's really all I can say right now. I think you did an excellent job with this first chapter. Not only is it chock-full of great descriptors, plotline, characters, and history, but it's got Marrack in it. C'mon, who doesn't like Marrack? :D
I guess I never realized that there could be other like him, all of the different Halfmen. I think that's an awesome idea and interesting how both the humans and Halfmen fear each other. I wonder what made Solo so interested in the Halfman Reign though. He may be agile and strong, but he's a coward on the inside, from what I can see. The king was very generous to lend his best men to escort Marrack Wolveneye though.
I must say, the part with the King of Caves, the creature, and the nightmare, all of it was breathtaking. I was literally fascinated by all of what you've come up with. Once again, I think you have a great imagination. And not only that, but you can use that imagination to create an awesome story. Some people have good ideas but just can't get them out right. I don't think you are one of those people. Even if it takes a long time, you still get the job done. Towards the end, it reminded me of a freakish 'Don't wake Daddy' kind of thing, to keep the King of Caves asleep. But since they didn't succeed, it looks like Solo, Eagath, Marrack, and the others are stuck together for now.
I really thought the ending to this chapter was perfect, too. It really set me up for the next chapter and now I must know what wonders lie within the old city and find out what happens next.
Wow. That's really all I can say right now. I think you did an excellent job with this first chapter. Not only is it chock-full of great descriptors, plotline, characters, and history, but it's got Marrack in it. C'mon, who doesn't like Marrack? :D
I guess I never realized that there could be other like him, all of the different Halfmen. I think that's an awesome idea and interesting how both the humans and Halfmen fear each other. I wonder what made Solo so interested in the Halfman Reign though. He may be agile and strong, but he's a coward on the inside, from what I can see. The king was very generous to lend his best men to escort Marrack Wolveneye though.
I must say, the part with the King of Caves, the creature, and the nightmare, all of it was breathtaking. I was literally fascinated by all of what you've come up with. Once again, I think you have a great imagination. And not only that, but you can use that imagination to create an awesome story. Some people have good ideas but just can't get them out right. I don't think you are one of those people. Even if it takes a long time, you still get the job done. Towards the end, it reminded me of a freakish 'Don't wake Daddy' kind of thing, to keep the King of Caves asleep. But since they didn't succeed, it looks like Solo, Eagath, Marrack, and the others are stuck together for now.
I really thought the ending to this chapter was perfect, too. It really set me up for the next chapter and now I must know what wonders lie within the old city and find out what happens next.
3/4/2007 c1 3Kon Savage
I like the beginning of your story. You give brief clues to the history of this world that I hope you will expand and explain in later chapters. I really liked the world you created, you mentioned some interesting sounding "light" creatures, and the King of Caves and his powerful nightmare. I also really like your character Solo, sounds like he may be very interesting (and funny), not to say the others won't be, but he in particular has my interest. A few things though, you have a problem with your quotation marks, I don't even know what the symbol is thats in there place but it makes it very hard to read. Also you may want to read it over and rewrite a few sentance which were a little muddled. Overall, a really nice job!
Kon Savage
3Kon SavageI like the beginning of your story. You give brief clues to the history of this world that I hope you will expand and explain in later chapters. I really liked the world you created, you mentioned some interesting sounding "light" creatures, and the King of Caves and his powerful nightmare. I also really like your character Solo, sounds like he may be very interesting (and funny), not to say the others won't be, but he in particular has my interest. A few things though, you have a problem with your quotation marks, I don't even know what the symbol is thats in there place but it makes it very hard to read. Also you may want to read it over and rewrite a few sentance which were a little muddled. Overall, a really nice job!
Kon Savage