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3/15/2007 c1 16RisanF
Style: Real catchy beginning; I like the way everything sort of wallows and mopes in its own seediness. However, the seediness seems to go into overdrive from that point; there's a distinct lack of hope in your writing, in the way everything falls so easily into despair without even trying to pick itself up. Nothing to do about that, though since that seems to be the theme of the story, and the language you use to convey this theme is quite exemplary.

Plot: Loser guy, with a loser childhood featuring a loser aunt, a loser sister, and a not-as-loserish dad. Overall, the protagonist seems to have been bred for the worst possible existence, and this appears to be the story of that breeding.

Characters: Our protagonist has a really dark perspective on life; he is prone to jumping to the worst conclusions about everything and doesn't bother to fight against his own despair. His childhood self confounds me; he seems too concerned with sexual feelings for a four-year-old. I'm not going to say that children never have sexual thoughts ever, but I think his behavior would be more indicative of an older child, unless you can explain how his upbringing has made this very young child the way he is. (stuff like that happens, and he does have a messed up childhood) It's interesting how, as a man, he hasn't really grown up any from when he was a child.

Grammar: Well done. It's good when I can read through a story without picking through it.

Suggestions: I would personally like a light at the end of the tunnel for this unfortunate man. As long as he's still alive, he should be able to pull himself out of the rut he's gotten into. I'd understand if that's not the point of your story, though.


-"What happened to the bars where you would sit down and the man behind the counter would engage in some witty banter about life with you? What happened to TV bars? The truth is, I realize, that there have never actually been any bars like that, there have never been places where you could sit down and everyone would know you and the audience would clap. This is only mildly disillusioning. I’ve seen too many things turn out the opposite of what I’ve expected to care." Don't you think it's foolish for him to convince himself of some depressing "truth" considering that he can't possibly have sat in every bar in the world. It fits with your character, though; he's become a complete defeatist.

Overall Impressions: Very sad and someone disturbing. Honesty not my cup of tea, but very well done for what it is.
3/13/2007 c1 8PandasAreCute

Wow, this story is definitely different to anything I've read before.

To think this is what goes on in a four year old boys head?

wow, really.

How did you manage to write it? :)

I like it...

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