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3/13/2007 c1 19jekodama
Well I don't know why you don't like it, because I certainly do. It is sort of rushed, but being a short story, that's understandable. And the only major character left pretty undeveloped was Amy, I think, but Jack was pretty well rounded from the beginning. Of course, that's only my humble opinion, so feel free to disagree (I don't care either way XD). Anyway, cookies for you!
3/13/2007 c1 nadljfaithglingh
Your first? Really? Because it's really good. Doesn't seem like a first time thing.

Yeah, short stories have that horrible side-effect of feeling incomplete sometimes. I like the way it rounded out though (I hate reading short stories that leave me HANGING-hanging, if you know what I mean).

Good job! I hope you write more :)
3/13/2007 c1 4Indecent Exposure
Cutting you some slack. I'm not going to point anything out and I'm going to give you a nice review.

I liked it. It had a pretty good flow. To me, it didn't feel like one of those stories that feel way to fake to be real. It had a "This could have happened in real life" feel to it and those are the stories I look for.

Good Job!
3/12/2007 c1 31emptyword
Good job then. :) You've got the mellow, nostalgic tone and smooth narrative that work so well for short stories. The topic is well-presented, and while I did have trouble connecting to some of these characters (mostly Jack, actually), I think most of the trouble is his personality, or lack thereof. He seems a little -too- mild, and that giving up on life facet of his character could be strengthened. I also had some trouble trying to tie everything together at the end - the purpose of Joey's near-death, Jack's family situation, etc.

But, very well-written. And I really encourage you to keep trying your hand at shorts. They're quick and fun to write, and they're certainly one of the best ways to learn to pare your writing and cut down to the essentials of the story you want to tell. :) Best of luck!
3/12/2007 c1 17Murder245
I like it a lot. And I wouldn't be too worried about developing the characters, Jack is the only one who really needs a whole lot of depth, and I think you covered that pretty well, or at least gave enough to get a feel of who he is. And Amy got all the development she needed, too. There's some mild mystery to her character, but it seems like it's supposed to be there. The ending is very good as well, I think. Good job!

~j. lynn
3/12/2007 c1 crimsonmist
They say you're your own worst critic, and I'd have to agree. Although the characters could be developed more if you wanted, it's not like they lack depth at all. I loved the way you left Jack nameless until the end, it made him so much...more. In fact, I just adored this story! Fantastic.
3/12/2007 c1 1MDL
I liked the story and where this could be headed... only... I felt like there were too many characters at one time. It was hard to feel any connection or depth to them. I think this would be better suited for something with multiple chapters where the reader gets more time to relate with everyone- But that's just my opinion. Heck, I'm probably wrong.

It was great work though! Especially for a first try!
3/12/2007 c1 swimchickslam
Hm.. not bad for a first short story.. just keep practicing them, and they'll come eventually :)
3/12/2007 c1 Space Cadet
That was less a short story and more of a chapter. The reason the characters don't feel developed is because you are setting them up to be developed...in later chapters. It's a great start, all I'm saying is...more chapters. at least like 9. Or so.
3/12/2007 c1 14CreativeEdge
charming with quite a bit of depth. Absolutely wonderfully written. It's satisfying as a short story but leave the reader wanting more , which is a good thing although it would be interesting as a chapter peice as well.

3/12/2007 c1 snow blossoms
i like it. (:
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