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for Attempt at a romance writing

4/18/2007 c1 46antigonelives
Not bad for a first try! Seriously, I can't do romance, probably because I don't care for it, but this was good. You did ask for criticism, so:

"Her skin was like moonlight, milky white and perfect, her was hair was the color red, like the fire the burned deep with-in her heart and her eyes were two green earth like orbs that could look deep in your soul."

That's "within," not "with-in," "earthlike," and you don't need "the colour red." You could just say that her hair was red; it's general knowledge that red is, indeed, a colour.

The sentence is way too long; long sentences are FINE, but you jump from one description to another to yet another, so either separate the sentences, add semicolons and colons wherever necessary, or a mixture of both. For example:

"Her skin was moonlight, milky white and perfect, and her hair was red like the fire the burned deep within her heart. Her eyes were two green, earthlike orbs that could look deep into your soul."

"He held her with his strong arms, he would never let go. They look at the beach, the water lapping at the rocks and the salty wind blowing in there faces."

The first sentence: you've got two separate ideas in one sentence; use a semicolon instead of a comma.

Second sentence: should be "their" instead of "there." And why is this in the present tense when the rest is told in the past?

"The sun was setting, it made a beautiful glare on the water. Everything was perfect, even if it was only for a brief moment. It would seem like lifetimes for time stood still when they were together."

First: same semicolon issue.

Second: you can connect this with the third with a semicolon. Seriously, semicolons are your friends.

Third: after "lifetimes," add a comma.

"The sun set and the moon was bight and the sky was littered with stars. They both looked at the moon, there was glowed in its light. They looked at each other with loving eyes and was soon locked in a kiss. There minds became one, ah did there souls and there bodies, they were no longer two humans but one beautiful entity of love, and that love would never break apart."

First: can be simplified by saying, "the sun set, the moon was BRIGHT, and the sky was littered with stars."

Second: what does "there was glowed in its light" mean? There was a glow in the moon's light? Obviously. It's redundant and unnecessary.

Fourth: "ah" - "and." Another they're/there/their mistake - you need "their," the possessive. Too long of a sentence with that many ideas, and also, try to use a verb other than "to break apart."

Read over your work before posting and use spellcheck! Rereading before posting alone will help you immensely. Also, try expanding your vocabulary, and, again, work with your sentence structure. It's almost childish what you have here.

However, despite your errors, I enjoyed this. I wonder if you'll do anything with this later, in terms of a story... I'd love to see you do it!

~Cristina
3/13/2007 c1 14FreakierThanThou
Pretty good start, great imagary. It was a little unrealistic for a whole story, but just capturing one moment like you did actually worked really well.

Constructive critism: You accidentally said 'ah' instead of 'as' at one point and you said 'bight' intstead of 'bright'. If I were you, I'd lengthen it a little, put spaces between paragraphs and flesh it out. Maybe say a bit about the circumstances? Some thing besides the metaphores for the first paragraph? That's just my opinion, though.

Question: Is this a oneshot or are you planning on continuing it?

Gushing: I absolutely loved your last line. The phrase 'entity of love' was really sweet and well thought-out, I liked it a lot.

Overall: Good job, especially for a first time. Keep it up, I can see you improving and going far.

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