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3/23/2007 c1 6EclipseMystic
Hmm... is this writing workshop Alpha, by any chance?

I really like the concept of this story, although it doesn't really fit in the fantasy catagory-more spiritual, I think. There are a few grammar issues here and there (i.e. "Came the angel's response" should have a comma preceding it within the quote) but they don't detract from meaning. Descriptions are interesting, but often phrased repeatedly in passive tense. Try Ctrl-F "was" and see how many times it comes up. You might be surprised. But the ending line was great!

~EclipseMystic
3/14/2007 c1 1Tyanna
A good story. You do mix up a few words now and then ("women" instead of "woman") and you have extra words in some spots ("Then she’d return continue reading.") but otherwise a very smooth read.

I really liked the story and the idea behind it. Very well done.

The only thing that didn't sit right with me was the first person narrative. I think you could have tried to capture the joy and innocence of a 6 year old child better if you had of put it in the thrid person. It would have added some more depth to your story as well. That being said though, I'm not a great fan of first person, so it might just be my bias speaking ;)

I'm curious though, did you go to school for a full day in kindergarten? Where I live, a full day of school doesn't start until first grade. *shrugs*
3/14/2007 c1 8Spirithunter
Aww, what a sweet story. I love it. It kind of reminds me of The Polar Express. Good job. :)
3/14/2007 c1 3The Celtic Bard
I really like it! It's a wonderful story! I really hope you get into the writing workshop!

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