for Three Fathers8/3/2008 c1 AwakenedMoonlight
I love it. A good old revenge story.
Although, I wonder, what Johnny has to do with Simms' daughter?
I love it. A good old revenge story.
Although, I wonder, what Johnny has to do with Simms' daughter?
6/12/2007 c2 rebeldork
In the second section, the paragraps are very short, usually no more than a sentence or two, even when there's not any dialogue. This gives this section a choppy feeling and makes reading a bit more difficult.
"It’s a horrible that been done..." Obviously missing a word, "thnig".
And hearing that a man's preteen daughter had been raped, I don't think I would respond with "gosh". It makes me feel like you're censoring it, which is weird, considering it's a story about rape.
"“Nearing my twenty-fifth,” the man said confidently. “Top of his class at the Royal Academy.”" Is the man (I'm assuming, at this point, Johnny, but who knows?) talking about himself, in third person?
Will there be another chapter? If so, I'm looking forward to it.
I'm story-alerting this story, just in case.
In the second section, the paragraps are very short, usually no more than a sentence or two, even when there's not any dialogue. This gives this section a choppy feeling and makes reading a bit more difficult.
"It’s a horrible that been done..." Obviously missing a word, "thnig".
And hearing that a man's preteen daughter had been raped, I don't think I would respond with "gosh". It makes me feel like you're censoring it, which is weird, considering it's a story about rape.
"“Nearing my twenty-fifth,” the man said confidently. “Top of his class at the Royal Academy.”" Is the man (I'm assuming, at this point, Johnny, but who knows?) talking about himself, in third person?
Will there be another chapter? If so, I'm looking forward to it.
I'm story-alerting this story, just in case.
6/12/2007 c1 rebeldork
When you're introducing several characters in just a few paragraphs, it gets a little confusing, but of course that clears up once we determine who the more important ones are.
"Opposite to him was a dark haired woman of middling age, she reminded Sebas of his own wife." I believe that between "age" and "she," you either need a semicolon, a period, or the word "who".
"The foul stench on an outhouse" - Obviously it should be "of," but it's not a big deal.
I like the last line-I like it a lot, it puts things together nicely and neatly, or at least seems to.
Revenge stories aren't uncommon, but yours is good and I like how your characters are in-depth. I'm not sure that I actually like any of them, but still, it's well written and not at all boring to read.
Thanks for the long review and constructive criticism! Now, on to chapter 2!
When you're introducing several characters in just a few paragraphs, it gets a little confusing, but of course that clears up once we determine who the more important ones are.
"Opposite to him was a dark haired woman of middling age, she reminded Sebas of his own wife." I believe that between "age" and "she," you either need a semicolon, a period, or the word "who".
"The foul stench on an outhouse" - Obviously it should be "of," but it's not a big deal.
I like the last line-I like it a lot, it puts things together nicely and neatly, or at least seems to.
Revenge stories aren't uncommon, but yours is good and I like how your characters are in-depth. I'm not sure that I actually like any of them, but still, it's well written and not at all boring to read.
Thanks for the long review and constructive criticism! Now, on to chapter 2!
4/5/2007 c2 
31Shadow Gryphon
Ah... Again, nice way of keeping anyone from being the absolute villain. Curious to see things from Johnny's point of view now, and how he justifies sleeping with a girl so young.
31Shadow GryphonAh... Again, nice way of keeping anyone from being the absolute villain. Curious to see things from Johnny's point of view now, and how he justifies sleeping with a girl so young.
4/5/2007 c1 Shadow Gryphon
Hey, you took my challenge! Thanks. :)
I really like what you've done with the first chapter. At first I was wondering about the title, but I see where it might be going.
Hey, you took my challenge! Thanks. :)
I really like what you've done with the first chapter. At first I was wondering about the title, but I see where it might be going.
4/2/2007 c1 20HannahMarieWillow
Good start, it sets the scene nicely and I want to know what happens next. Only thing is, perhaps a slight bit confusing as it's sometimes hard to tell which character's doing what, although that might be because I'm tired and confused.
20HannahMarieWillowGood start, it sets the scene nicely and I want to know what happens next. Only thing is, perhaps a slight bit confusing as it's sometimes hard to tell which character's doing what, although that might be because I'm tired and confused.
3/23/2007 c2 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Okay, first things first, I'll have to say that this is a good new work from you. I really like the fact that you never put anybody under the bad guy-good guy difference. This is one thing that I can't do for sure given my nature to put my stories in a clear good-vs-evil mode. I can also say that this story is rather fast paced although it's not too rushed. Well, I guess that's all I can say for now... hope to see you update soon! Bye! ^^
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuOkay, first things first, I'll have to say that this is a good new work from you. I really like the fact that you never put anybody under the bad guy-good guy difference. This is one thing that I can't do for sure given my nature to put my stories in a clear good-vs-evil mode. I can also say that this story is rather fast paced although it's not too rushed. Well, I guess that's all I can say for now... hope to see you update soon! Bye! ^^