for Hidden Passion7/26/2007 c4 
9StarFariey
Well, you really rushed it. You could have dragged the scene out alot longer, and you should have. You probably could have made this into two chapters too. The idea of it is good and the basic stuff that happens is good, but there needs to be more detail.
9StarFarieyWell, you really rushed it. You could have dragged the scene out alot longer, and you should have. You probably could have made this into two chapters too. The idea of it is good and the basic stuff that happens is good, but there needs to be more detail.
7/22/2007 c4 19ihrtbks
I'm going to assume this is the night you talk about in the summary. Tommy's despicable; but the face you put for him in your profile pictures is so puppy dog, it's hard to imagine they're the same person. I can't wait to see Matt's reaction! Are you gonna update "Back to Our Past" anytime soon?
UPDATE SOON!
19ihrtbksI'm going to assume this is the night you talk about in the summary. Tommy's despicable; but the face you put for him in your profile pictures is so puppy dog, it's hard to imagine they're the same person. I can't wait to see Matt's reaction! Are you gonna update "Back to Our Past" anytime soon?
UPDATE SOON!
6/25/2007 c3 1Wishes Desires
I really like ur story and all but i really think it's a bit fast-paced. I mean they've practically only known each other for a week? And they're already in love with each other? I think the story is excellent and the way you write it, straight to the point is good but can you maybe add a little bit more stuff? Like more on Matt's life, their friends and so on? Anyways hope i'm not being too critical, if it's only me ignore this review. Update soon...
1Wishes DesiresI really like ur story and all but i really think it's a bit fast-paced. I mean they've practically only known each other for a week? And they're already in love with each other? I think the story is excellent and the way you write it, straight to the point is good but can you maybe add a little bit more stuff? Like more on Matt's life, their friends and so on? Anyways hope i'm not being too critical, if it's only me ignore this review. Update soon...
6/20/2007 c3 19ihrtbks
I like it. I love 'love at first sight' stories! I LOVE your style. Only thing you might want to work on is how you break-up your paragraphs; long paragraphs tend to give the impression of unimportant and sometimes dialogue works better if you leave it in its paragraph and stick the narration after it, both of these are just suggestions, though.
UPDATE SOON!
19ihrtbksI like it. I love 'love at first sight' stories! I LOVE your style. Only thing you might want to work on is how you break-up your paragraphs; long paragraphs tend to give the impression of unimportant and sometimes dialogue works better if you leave it in its paragraph and stick the narration after it, both of these are just suggestions, though.
UPDATE SOON!
6/20/2007 c3 8Alice Heist
haha, you keep asking, so here's another review.
that last part was hot! wow, steamy.
the only thing I didn't like was how easily the tension slid away. but, all is well, as you can add tension later. right? right.
if the story isn't supposed to end yet, which i assume it isn't because it isn't "COMPLETED", just stick some tension in the next chapter. rumors at school, parents coming home to find them having sex on the couch, whatever.
i think that a good resolution would be them doing it in the art room. it's just so ironic...
anyways, great job, i look forward to the next chapter.
8Alice Heisthaha, you keep asking, so here's another review.
that last part was hot! wow, steamy.
the only thing I didn't like was how easily the tension slid away. but, all is well, as you can add tension later. right? right.
if the story isn't supposed to end yet, which i assume it isn't because it isn't "COMPLETED", just stick some tension in the next chapter. rumors at school, parents coming home to find them having sex on the couch, whatever.
i think that a good resolution would be them doing it in the art room. it's just so ironic...
anyways, great job, i look forward to the next chapter.
6/20/2007 c1 Alice Heist
I must comment! I want more! haha, great first chapter. I'm loving the chemistry between Raleigh and Matt, and the tension caused by Tommy. Great tool.
You follow what my various writing teachers have all said: what does the lead character want most? what does she fear most? dangle her desires in front of her, stick her fears in the middle and BAM! you've got tension.
though i'm not sure raleigh is afraid of tommy, but it gets the point across. great job, i love it so far.
I must comment! I want more! haha, great first chapter. I'm loving the chemistry between Raleigh and Matt, and the tension caused by Tommy. Great tool.
You follow what my various writing teachers have all said: what does the lead character want most? what does she fear most? dangle her desires in front of her, stick her fears in the middle and BAM! you've got tension.
though i'm not sure raleigh is afraid of tommy, but it gets the point across. great job, i love it so far.
5/27/2007 c2 dazedandconfused10
are you going to continue your story? it's really good and i think that you should continue your stories even if other people don't respond or you think that they don't like them. Who cares what others think. If you like your story or aren't sure then then ask someone but that's one person's opinion finish what you write. It's a gift.
Truly,
Victoria
are you going to continue your story? it's really good and i think that you should continue your stories even if other people don't respond or you think that they don't like them. Who cares what others think. If you like your story or aren't sure then then ask someone but that's one person's opinion finish what you write. It's a gift.
Truly,
Victoria
4/4/2007 c2 KittenAround
It's awesome...i'm addicted! MORE PLZ! (Srry if I sound desperate but I need something to do after track...)
It's awesome...i'm addicted! MORE PLZ! (Srry if I sound desperate but I need something to do after track...)
3/29/2007 c1 1Wishes Desires
God, how can you not right anymore? I'm pratically dying here, i really need to know the rest, i need to know what is going to happen to them? Please write more,please please! And write a lot as son as u can! ThankYOU
1Wishes DesiresGod, how can you not right anymore? I'm pratically dying here, i really need to know the rest, i need to know what is going to happen to them? Please write more,please please! And write a lot as son as u can! ThankYOU
3/25/2007 c1 9StarFariey
Well... first off I'll say that Its a good story with lots of detail. I don't really know where youre going with this but... Its pretty good. Secondly I have to say that it needs to be eddited. There's one place that has an "a" instead of an "an" where it needs to. You mix up Her, Him, He, and His alot. And you need to break up the paraghaphs a bit more. There are a few places that there is only 1 paragraph when it should be divided into 2. But over all, it's a really good story and I hope that this didnt discourage you from keeping on writing. And, sometimes even if nobody reviews your work, you need to keep writing and going at it. It will pay off eventualy.
9StarFarieyWell... first off I'll say that Its a good story with lots of detail. I don't really know where youre going with this but... Its pretty good. Secondly I have to say that it needs to be eddited. There's one place that has an "a" instead of an "an" where it needs to. You mix up Her, Him, He, and His alot. And you need to break up the paraghaphs a bit more. There are a few places that there is only 1 paragraph when it should be divided into 2. But over all, it's a really good story and I hope that this didnt discourage you from keeping on writing. And, sometimes even if nobody reviews your work, you need to keep writing and going at it. It will pay off eventualy.