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for Milky Way of Dreams

10/19/2007 c1 ANonymous
3/29/2007 c1 14Things unsaid
Wow this makes me want to go to sleep. This was pretty cool.
3/29/2007 c1 102Midnight In Eden
Punctuation in this is reads very off. First off, I think there should be a period after the second line. You're also using far too many "and"s in the section about the sky, something like this might flow better:

It can rise into the sky,

round the moon

and through the stars.

Maybe it’ll stop somewhere faraway,

where we’ve never seen forsay.

There should pretty much never be a comma then an "and" unless it's part of an independent clause of the sentence that can be removed.

I'd also recommend against capitalising the first word of each line, it's a tradition in poetry sure but not one that really works here.

Otherwise, the language is a tad simplistic but it gets your point across and I think with an edit this could have a great flow to it.


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