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9/13/2012 c1 
1SchitzoPanda
It is an interesting inovvation, but this reads more a like a summary than an actual story, add details.
1SchitzoPandaIt is an interesting inovvation, but this reads more a like a summary than an actual story, add details.
9/24/2007 c12 3Toxin89
You alreay know that there are a lot of things that need looking over, so I won't talk about that. You're doing the crossover already! Well, I guess I better get to work even though it won't show up in mine for a while. Oh well, I wanna say congrats but you honestly know this chapter dosen't deserve much praise. Keep rollin'.
3Toxin89You alreay know that there are a lot of things that need looking over, so I won't talk about that. You're doing the crossover already! Well, I guess I better get to work even though it won't show up in mine for a while. Oh well, I wanna say congrats but you honestly know this chapter dosen't deserve much praise. Keep rollin'.
9/20/2007 c1 fanficfreak35
i appauld you for taking the time and courage to write this story and put it out here to public view. In return i'm going to give you constructive critiscm. You sotry lacks detail and looks like a 6th graded wrote it. Maybe your area sixth grader who knows. (Ok so that was a little harsh but i'm going to explain) *You wrote this: "This angered the King of Fudomine and he declared war upon the Penti. Penti did not back down and sent troops to attack the Penti." * First of all how can the penti attack the penti/ A second of all, well it's just not correct or atleast writing material to say, they were angered so they attacked. or Penti did not back down. zyou say King Fudomine angered and saddened by the loss of his daughter struck out with hios army at the Penti. Something along those lines you understand. Now a good author goes back and doubles check what they've written or they get themselves a beta, try one of those. Good luck
i appauld you for taking the time and courage to write this story and put it out here to public view. In return i'm going to give you constructive critiscm. You sotry lacks detail and looks like a 6th graded wrote it. Maybe your area sixth grader who knows. (Ok so that was a little harsh but i'm going to explain) *You wrote this: "This angered the King of Fudomine and he declared war upon the Penti. Penti did not back down and sent troops to attack the Penti." * First of all how can the penti attack the penti/ A second of all, well it's just not correct or atleast writing material to say, they were angered so they attacked. or Penti did not back down. zyou say King Fudomine angered and saddened by the loss of his daughter struck out with hios army at the Penti. Something along those lines you understand. Now a good author goes back and doubles check what they've written or they get themselves a beta, try one of those. Good luck
9/17/2007 c12 2Sir Scott
Good to see update. This chapter didn't answer the questions that you opened up from the last, but it's good to see that you have updated. You like ending your chapters with a cliffhanger. Which is cool, it keeps the readers in suspense.
~SirScott
2Sir ScottGood to see update. This chapter didn't answer the questions that you opened up from the last, but it's good to see that you have updated. You like ending your chapters with a cliffhanger. Which is cool, it keeps the readers in suspense.
~SirScott
8/14/2007 c11 Sir Scott
You left the reader in suspense with the fight over Kyshiro, which that helps keep the reader interested in this format. Having Kyshiro making a pact with this old new found friend seems too much like the deal he made with the other character a few chapters back. Some of characters think and act too much like that is your weakness. A story with this many characters could be stretched into a whole series of books.
Your strengths are that you can write good descriptions and you make the reader really feel like they are part of the action. So good job on that. Take care and continue writing.
~SirScott
You left the reader in suspense with the fight over Kyshiro, which that helps keep the reader interested in this format. Having Kyshiro making a pact with this old new found friend seems too much like the deal he made with the other character a few chapters back. Some of characters think and act too much like that is your weakness. A story with this many characters could be stretched into a whole series of books.
Your strengths are that you can write good descriptions and you make the reader really feel like they are part of the action. So good job on that. Take care and continue writing.
~SirScott
8/14/2007 c10 Sir Scott
The fight scenes are pretty descent. Although, I'm surprised that Kyshiro is having so much trouble with fighting a minor character, but that does follow the new school of super heroes. I guess I just prefer the old school where once the hero shows up the villian pretty much gets whipped.
~SirScott
The fight scenes are pretty descent. Although, I'm surprised that Kyshiro is having so much trouble with fighting a minor character, but that does follow the new school of super heroes. I guess I just prefer the old school where once the hero shows up the villian pretty much gets whipped.
~SirScott
8/13/2007 c9 Sir Scott
The theif is a strange new addition to the story. You write at a nice quick pace.
~SirScott
The theif is a strange new addition to the story. You write at a nice quick pace.
~SirScott
8/13/2007 c8 Sir Scott
There's a lot to take in this chapter.
It seems that Kyshiro has a lot of mental issues.
~SirScott
There's a lot to take in this chapter.
It seems that Kyshiro has a lot of mental issues.
~SirScott
8/13/2007 c7 Sir Scott
Kyshiro probably should have just killed his enemy without so much needless talk. Other then that the descriptions were good.
~SirScott
Kyshiro probably should have just killed his enemy without so much needless talk. Other then that the descriptions were good.
~SirScott
8/13/2007 c6 Sir Scott
The reversing of time was a neat effect. I like how you ended this chapter on cliffhanger.
~SirScott
The reversing of time was a neat effect. I like how you ended this chapter on cliffhanger.
~SirScott
8/13/2007 c5 Sir Scott
I liked how you did the flashback in this chapter.
I'll give you a longer review when I make it to chapter 12.
~SirScott
I liked how you did the flashback in this chapter.
I'll give you a longer review when I make it to chapter 12.
~SirScott