7/18/2007 c2 KidBomb
I love it! I see what you mean about longer chapters...I'll consider that! Right now I'm pulling the story off the site.

6/28/2007 c2 4Yumegatari
Hello there! Thanks for reading my prologue. I've read up to chapter two of your story, and I think that it shows a lot of promise! It's a little choppy in places and there are some obvious errors, but the story is there and that's what's important. I think that the biggest piece of advice that I can give is that stories seem to flow much better when they're told in the past tense. (I.E: instead of saying "he gets out of the water" you would say "he got out of the water") That's just been my experience.

Keep writing!

-Yumegatari

6/26/2007 c3 23ShinjiTakeyama
"looking in aw" awe

"the clears area" probably just meant clear right?

hmm...never heard it referred to a holster when talking about a sword. typically people stick to sheath, and probably for the reason that holsters are for guns.

you're using then a lot still. umm...why doe sthe Pentian yell DEFENSE?

"and has mud splashes on his face" sounds off

"puts then back" think you meant them back

"behind of him" of isn't needed here

i'm going to comment now on dialogue. personal choice for words aside, the only thing i can tell people as far as dialogue goes, for the most part...is that it's misplaced when done with only one person. what i mean by that, is that people don't talk out loud to themselves in such a manner as to carry out even the slightest of conversations. people may talk aloud, and not directly at anybody, but it is still in the company of others. for the most part this is a subconscious thing having to do with needing others to hear your thoughts as you do in order to achieve something. sometimes you just want somebody to inquire what you're talking about. in any case, the most a person tends to have to say to themselves, totally alone, is never all that involved. often enough, it's completely monosyllabic phrases just uttered over and over again. for example, stubbing your foot on a stool, and jumping around saying "shit/fuck/damn" etc. if you absolutely need the thoughts of the character voiced, and don't have a second party for them to be voiced to, have them narrated as an inflection or made out as thought. both these things i am of the opinion, is prefereable, to outright talking alone and aloud.

"him they" period after him

"same cloths as" clothes

"ask one of the men" asked

"one the warrior" one of the warriors

"slowly as he" period after slowly

"spike red hair" ok. as it stands, you're using spike to actually modify red. the word spike when left like that, is acting like a descriptive word toward red, like spike is some shade of it that nobody has heard of. in order for it to be connected to the actual hair, it must either be spiked, or spikey.

"you die we rule all land" sentence makes no sense.

"kill him and be rewarded like kings for capturing" how do you kill and capture at the same time? you can't actually kill, and capture somebody. or for that matter, you can't kill someone and be rewarded for capturing them.

"as the all yell" they

"kill and unconscious" an unconscious

"ask the platoon leader" asked.

"They all do they same with their sword raised his above their heads" what?

"no where" nowhere

"anger with me" angry

so...other than that, the action scene is a little hard to swallow. i mean, between Shimaro and the four men. i know how hard it is to write an action sequence as good or anywhere near as sensible and flawless as it plays out in your head. but just run it through in your head again and read what you wrote. parts of it seem choppy. i realize that it's fiction, and the person you're writing about is basically superhuman, but even then the action is hard to understand at points.

6/22/2007 c1 Sir Scott
It does show promise of being a great story. I look forward to reading more.

~SirScott

6/20/2007 c1 ShinjiTakeyama
so, to start, the chapter title. there's absolutely nothing bad with starting under a prologue. however, if you're going to also call it chapter one, this is just a formatting issue, but you should make it spaced probably, or use a colon or something to seperate the 1 from Prologue.

i think the first sentence would sound fine without the "Back" since the reader will be able to tell from the year, that it was back a ways. nothing wrong per-se with the first sentence. though, this is something i tell everybody (and remind myself constantly) about. redundancy. it's one of the biggest pitfalls that writers need watch out for. any major word you don't ever want to use twice in one sentence. and you also want to avoid it if at all possible using one word once in two joined sentences. i realize this is very hard sometimes, but in the end, if you keep it in mind, it can not only help lengthen a story, but add some variety to it as well. that being said, we can take a look for instance at how often you use the same names. given that this is a prologue, and only setting up for the real story to come, it is actually not such a big deal, but at the same time, because it is the first thing somebody will read in the story, you don't want to give them the idea that your sentences will ever lack change. for instance, take the word "promised" from the first and third sentences. it's good that they at least have that breathing room, but any chance you have to completely erase a phrases repeated uses from an entire paragraph while still holding true the idea of it, you should take. rather than using it in the first sentence, you could simply use "arranged". it maintains the idea of the sentence, while also giving it variance from the third. it's something to look at also when you use the name of the nations in the following sentences.

now spelling, of course is always important. it can usually be easily overlooked. i've read enough books with typos in them that shows that apparently the editor wasn't looking hard enough to spot them. however, while a few typos aren't a death sentence in an entire story if they aren't many, mistyping a name of one of your own creations must not happen. if it were to be caught in a published version, people might think you just don't care enough to get your own names right. in the third sentence, you slipped another "i" into Penti.

something else to watch out for is using the proper form of a word. "There spell" should be 'their spells' then 'their backs'

and also 'their wedding'

"There there was Hitara" small mistake there

"This anger the" angered

then, the last two sentences of the first paragraph...there is some confusion. you state that the Penti start to attack...the Penti. then, you say the war has been going on for twenty-seven. you mean years correct?

"wonder around" wander

"who every opposed" every?

now, the last thing, is really somewhat of a toss up. it's about using the proper tense. i'm not particularly good at this in most cases i think, but every now and then i can catch one.

"They don’t know it yet but there paths would soon cross"

didn't, and would can work. or don't and will. but as they are, i think they're conflicting verb tenses.

so that's it for now. i'll review more later...if you want that is :p i know i come off kinda harsh.

4/21/2007 c6 3Toxin89
Some typos...I expected the scene with the boy to be better but overall it's iight