for Lost Time1/17/2009 c1 
4leonsgriever69
I thought this was a sweet and bitter story. In short, I loved it. I truly did. Yes, there were a few mistakes, but what story in the rough draft form doesn't have mistakes? It was great and I applaud you. :)
leonsgriever69
~Katelyn
and I loved the last line. It worked perfectly
4leonsgriever69I thought this was a sweet and bitter story. In short, I loved it. I truly did. Yes, there were a few mistakes, but what story in the rough draft form doesn't have mistakes? It was great and I applaud you. :)
leonsgriever69
~Katelyn
and I loved the last line. It worked perfectly
2/6/2008 c1 2Tetelestai
Here's my sincere opinion on your story. =)
First off, I really liked the gist of what you wrote and totally empathize with most of the girl's feelings; about falling in love, broken friendships, etc.
My biggest "hmm" with this would be the way their friendship dissolved in the first place. Was the essay about something in particular that was really close to the girl's heart, thus making it that much more disappointing when Daniel criticized it? I was a little confused about what happened in that scene.
As well, your disclaimer was kinda right. :) There are spelling mistakes and such, but I'm sure re-reading your own work once will help catch most of the mistakes.
If you want to improve your writing, my suggestion would be to make sure you do a quick edit of your work before uploading it (I have a lot of trouble with that too). A lot of readers are put off with simple spelling errors. If you felt the desire to, you could also rewrite parts of this, and expand on some things - like the essay part (since that was what broke their friendship up in the first place)
Hope this kind of helps! Keep writing!
2TetelestaiHere's my sincere opinion on your story. =)
First off, I really liked the gist of what you wrote and totally empathize with most of the girl's feelings; about falling in love, broken friendships, etc.
My biggest "hmm" with this would be the way their friendship dissolved in the first place. Was the essay about something in particular that was really close to the girl's heart, thus making it that much more disappointing when Daniel criticized it? I was a little confused about what happened in that scene.
As well, your disclaimer was kinda right. :) There are spelling mistakes and such, but I'm sure re-reading your own work once will help catch most of the mistakes.
If you want to improve your writing, my suggestion would be to make sure you do a quick edit of your work before uploading it (I have a lot of trouble with that too). A lot of readers are put off with simple spelling errors. If you felt the desire to, you could also rewrite parts of this, and expand on some things - like the essay part (since that was what broke their friendship up in the first place)
Hope this kind of helps! Keep writing!
4/2/2007 c1 15Daisy
I enjoyed the plot of what you have written here. It was well thought out and the story has a great emotional factor to it. However, I believe that it could be better. I liked how you used first person but you need to vary the beginning of your sentences. It becomes boring for the reader to continually read “I”. Another small factor is that the story seems very rushed. All the events take place in many years but you do not really describe the pain that the writer must have felt at being left behind. I would also like to mention that I found it difficult to understand how the author felt when Daniel liked another girl. It was almost like the writer had fallen in love with him and now was regretting it but you did not really describe the love part. The reader does not really see the love that your writer has for Daniel. I also found that the scene with the critic of the essay over done. It was too much for the writer to sulk over a simple critic. Perhaps if the writer had explained a bit more why the writings are such a sensitive area? I am not sure. I really thoroughly enjoyed the ending though. I like that the reader is left with a feeling of hope that more will come of this relationship. Over all I like how you write and I hope that my comments can help you improve.
15DaisyI enjoyed the plot of what you have written here. It was well thought out and the story has a great emotional factor to it. However, I believe that it could be better. I liked how you used first person but you need to vary the beginning of your sentences. It becomes boring for the reader to continually read “I”. Another small factor is that the story seems very rushed. All the events take place in many years but you do not really describe the pain that the writer must have felt at being left behind. I would also like to mention that I found it difficult to understand how the author felt when Daniel liked another girl. It was almost like the writer had fallen in love with him and now was regretting it but you did not really describe the love part. The reader does not really see the love that your writer has for Daniel. I also found that the scene with the critic of the essay over done. It was too much for the writer to sulk over a simple critic. Perhaps if the writer had explained a bit more why the writings are such a sensitive area? I am not sure. I really thoroughly enjoyed the ending though. I like that the reader is left with a feeling of hope that more will come of this relationship. Over all I like how you write and I hope that my comments can help you improve.