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12/30/2009 c3 6Yoron
Nice one, smooth. Some adversity would make it even better :)
10/17/2007 c1 19ihrtbks
I like how this isn't based in a high school setting and how it's Grey who's obsessed and touchy about Alison. I also love your figures of speech; they're unique. But you tend to use the word sarcastically too much; try using a thesaurus to find something else because right now Alison's being portrayed as a complete bitch. You also have some minor comma errors: if an -ing verb doesn't have is, am, are, was, were, be, being, or been in front of it (there can be some words in between, but not another -ing verb), it needs a comma before it.

UPDATE SOON!
9/11/2007 c2 1Shampa
Good job so far! Your story has a good plot, but it seems bogged down by all these details that really detract from what's really important. Also, in some areas, the dialogue seems a little unnatural-it doesn't flow. It seems very formal. As are your characters, I haven’t really got a feel for them—but you have plenty of time ahead to develop them. Anyways, I like it so far, good luck, you're doing great!
9/1/2007 c3 20Twilight Starr
How predictable they run into each other. :)

Good chapter.

Looking forward to more.

~Twilight Starr~
9/1/2007 c2 Twilight Starr
Good chapter.

It's cute how he's obsessed with her.

~Twilight Starr~
9/1/2007 c1 Twilight Starr
Nice beginning.

I wonder if you got the idea for the story title from The Fray's "How To Save a Life".

Good luck with writing and this story.

~Twilight Starr~
7/9/2007 c1 morethanyouknow
I really love how you opened this story, you have created a good setting and a character that I find myself wanting to know more about.

You did a good job with writing the Christmas tree scene, I liked that Alison knew the specific tree name and that she showed her independence in getting a tree for herself.

The way you brought Grey into the story was also pretty smooth, you left me knowing that something more was going to happen with his character and wondering what it would be.

One thing that I have been struggling with in writing is dialog. Sometimes when its written it seems a bit forced, I noticed some of this in your writing. I think that when you write it may be helpful to really think to yourself "would this character say this?" That way the dialog becomes varied etc.

Anyway, I look forward to reading more of the story and seeing how these two characters develop as well as hopefully meeting a great cast of supporting characters.

Keep up the good writing!
5/29/2007 c3 13miss-hyperactive
sorry, i'm behind. good job. i'm tired. talk to you soon.
5/27/2007 c1 2winniemazing
hehe oh man.

this makes me laugh because it reminds me of grey's anatomy sosososo much. hehe. i know it's completely different, but the names are the same and so is the tone of the story.

but anyway, i like your ideas. it DOES seem like you try to tell instead of show, though. you could also try to pay more attention to sentence structure. things could flow a lot more smoothly if you word them in different ways.

i have a lot of the same problems as you, though, and i've found that it's easier to just write out what you want to say first and then go back and mess with sentence structure when you go over it a second time.

oh, and by the way, Allison tends to say "god" a lot.

like

God, I need to get him out of my head

God, I need to remember to turn down the volume next time I’m in a bad mood

God I am so much like my mother.

i don't know anyone who actually says "god" that much.

do you?

try to make all the dialogue sound like something you might actually say.

well that's it :)

i liked it, it was refreshing.

bye
4/27/2007 c1 89Shadows in the Fire
Have you read Scott Westerfelds "The Last Days"? In it every chapter is named after a band (sort of like what you're doing with the songs but not really). Brilliant chapter, great story, I saw no SPAG errors.

-Amber
4/24/2007 c3 12FrenzyFan78
Mkay. Quick note before I run off to Psychology.

Again, you're getting a lot better. One thing I noticed that irks me: “Well nobody wants to look like an idiot in front of there siblings.” (It's the wrong form of of there/their/they're.)

Other than that, good job!

-FrenzyFan78
4/24/2007 c1 FrenzyFan78
So I have a bit of time before my next class, and I didn't feel like doing homework, so I thought I'd drop you a review. Your writing's definitely improved since your other stories - I like it. One particular detail that I noticed is that somewhere around the middle of this chapter you used the phrase "small stretch of interstate" in consecutive sentences - I would suggest changing your phrasing there a little.

Okay, continuing on...

-FrenzyFan78
4/20/2007 c1 10Desire Spelle
Okay are u happy now i reviewed. Very good and now you have an even amount of reviews. Yeah!
4/17/2007 c3 2flaunt it dauntlessly
Hello!

So, just to see whether I got this right: The third chapter is what used to be the second, and the second has been rewritten, right? I read the new second one and I think it's good that we get a more detailed look into Grey's life, which makes us understand (and like!) him better.

Just incase you changed anything else, which I might have missed now, please tell me so I can read it.

I also wanted to know how old the two of them are, if that is okay with you.

See you next chapter,

flaunt it dauntlessly
4/16/2007 c3 4Monpetitloupdemort
Hi! Sorry I took so long to get around to reviewing this. Very good story. Ah, love and serendipity, what a pair. No more talk of taking this story down missie, you hear me? This is to good to deprive all your poor readers of. So, yeah.

Sweet story, and I can't wait for more!
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