for Okay, Star3/29/2007 c1 
14mindOFdeliriousUNREST
whoa. this is dark. and freaking scary. i like the poem itself, it's a little choppy but good that way. little scared by the subject matter. but hey, it's a matter of taste.
paz,
-the delirious one
14mindOFdeliriousUNRESTwhoa. this is dark. and freaking scary. i like the poem itself, it's a little choppy but good that way. little scared by the subject matter. but hey, it's a matter of taste.
paz,
-the delirious one
3/28/2007 c1 102Midnight In Eden
Your first three lines just doesn't work with the two "and"s and the repetition. It's too jarring an opening. Something like (and this is only a suggestion) might work better:
She's laughing, her eyes so dilated
it's a wonder she can see the stars.
Punctuation would be a big help here too and insertion of stanzas as well.
Otherwise you've got some good imagery here and a good tone, I think you could just do more about the structure and flow of the read.
.:midnight:.
102Midnight In EdenYour first three lines just doesn't work with the two "and"s and the repetition. It's too jarring an opening. Something like (and this is only a suggestion) might work better:
She's laughing, her eyes so dilated
it's a wonder she can see the stars.
Punctuation would be a big help here too and insertion of stanzas as well.
Otherwise you've got some good imagery here and a good tone, I think you could just do more about the structure and flow of the read.
.:midnight:.