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for Okay, Star

3/29/2007 c1 14mindOFdeliriousUNREST
whoa. this is dark. and freaking scary. i like the poem itself, it's a little choppy but good that way. little scared by the subject matter. but hey, it's a matter of taste.


-the delirious one
3/28/2007 c1 102Midnight In Eden
Your first three lines just doesn't work with the two "and"s and the repetition. It's too jarring an opening. Something like (and this is only a suggestion) might work better:

She's laughing, her eyes so dilated

it's a wonder she can see the stars.

Punctuation would be a big help here too and insertion of stanzas as well.

Otherwise you've got some good imagery here and a good tone, I think you could just do more about the structure and flow of the read.


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