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5/30/2007 c3 65Nemonus
"pet it,[semicolon needed here] it licked my hand."

"when it[apostraphe]s not ripping"

I like the chapter name. It implies a series of bridges, an obstacle course.

"absorbed him into my hand" What does that mean? You wrote it so casually, but I can't at all see what actually happened; how he moved etc.

" I had to get out of here,[semicolon] this dark surrounding "

Wierd. Not bad.
5/30/2007 c3 6Sadie Lynn
comeon loser.. you can't just leave a person hanging like this.. hurry up and finish it.. k? agreed? agreed.. k i knw that you will listen to me... LoL

~Sadie Lynn
5/29/2007 c3 2chelebell
i really like the premise of being able to dream things into reality. I'm eagarly awaiting more.
5/29/2007 c3 38DeathMetal18
ook. A talking wolf, ?

5/29/2007 c1 1AluminumMuse
Pretty good, although it seems emotionless. It is written in the first person, you can be as judgemental as possible. Read Scott Westerfeld's Peeps for a great examply of 1st person.
5/18/2007 c2 Nemonus
Did you rearragne the chapters again?

Interesting, with the box. It's a unique mystery. I don't like the repetition here "I didn’t know what was up with this box, but something was up.", although it does sound like something a modern teen would say/think.

Ah! Interesting concept of magic. I like it. You introduce it very abruptly too, which leaves me wondering. Good.
5/18/2007 c1 12l3g3nd
though things might be plain at the beginning, but let's just keep reading. There are chances the writer himself might give you a surprise, don't you think so, dear Queerest?

Frankly, I agree with her. Somehow it seemed plain for now, really I meant FOR NOW. But I guess things might change later on. So I'll keep an eye on ya story. Keep updating yeh, and don disappointed me . XP

Sorry if I somehow offendend you. Sincerely apologize.
5/12/2007 c1 xXPoeticNightmareXx
What the crap Alex! I hate you! This is Bekka by the way..

Anyway, I hate you! That was amazing but I want to know the rest so bad. Obviously the reader is left in sespence for a reason but you're mean to me. It was really good, seriously.

I'm just wondering if all of it really happened because it's stuff that you would really do and would only happen to you...


call me. ;)
4/23/2007 c2 38DeathMetal18
Awsome. The main charecter looks exactly like you do...exept he is skinny, you are fat... its okay. I still love the story, keep it up!
4/5/2007 c2 6Sadie Lynn
nice.. i think that this is a good chapter of the story... it sounds just like you..
4/4/2007 c2 65Nemonus
The first two sentences have two different tenses, present and past-pick one. "I slowly roll off my bed and get up on my feet. Lazy, I know, but I don’t care. Life is boring, can’t do much but try to enjoy it while it’s there, right?" This sequence confused me. Rolling out of bed is common-not really a prerequisite for laziness. I'd say that being lazy would prove more boring than the rest of "life", so the last part threw me off some too. I like how you describe his clothes and physique simply but enough that the reader knows the setting is modern. "ate my usual breakfast, pop-tarts [comma, also capitalize the brand name] as I rushed..." Amusing ending, but the chapter is so short! I want to know more of if anything really interesting is going to go on. Not bad.
4/4/2007 c2 14Queerest
I was a little disapointed with the story after the summary. The summary made it sound as if it would be interesting, something trippy or unexpected. But it was expected. It wasn't unique and the story itself didn't even spark my curiousity. Its a very plain, typical story. Good vs. Evil with no room to argue. You didn't describe very much other then what you might have seen as important but I thought it took away from the story. "I examined some papers and noticed I need to practice my handwriting. You could barely make out my name, Alex." You could have done this in a better way. You say details that don't matter, that the reader doesn't care about. You need to do details in a consistant manner and preferably something not dreary and already heard.
3/29/2007 c1 65Nemonus
The summary sounds very interesting, but the little bit of story you have here is pretty typical good vs. evil inner conflict teenage emotion etc. The prose is ok. I'm willing to see where this goes and if you can save it. "Kind of" is not a proper way to begin a sentence. Tack that on to the earlier sentence with a comma or something.
3/29/2007 c1 Bob
i love this. It is such a good start. I cant wait for the next chapter

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