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for The Dark Knight: TEST VERSION

12/5/2009 c3 18felixlee14
Interesting. Can't wait for Chapter 4:)
5/8/2007 c3 4They call me Tamara
'Gordon demanded slowly'

Isn't this a bit of an oxymoron? I can't imagine how I would demand something slowly. Yes, I'm picky. Also, I think the dad ought to be scarier if he's supposed to be a crime boss, instead of addressing people 'sternly' and 'crossly'.

I enjoy your precise writing style though, and will be coming back to read more.

~ Tamara
4/22/2007 c2 3The Ferrett
Yeah RIGHT! I blame the father, evil absent character that he is. Kyra doesn't deserve this evil harrassment (ok, you got me on side very easily)
4/22/2007 c1 The Ferrett
Morbid, but yeah, reminds me of the starting scene from Die Hard 2 (without the absurdness)
4/19/2007 c3 1Mindshadow Productions
The first couple chapters so far seem to be setup.

I'm not a teenager anymore (sigh...) and was never a girl, but do kids that age address their parents "Father" like that? Is "Dad/Daddy" so passe? Maybe "Father" might be appropriate if she's trying to be very distant to Mr. Bugle; just felt funny to me reading it.

Generally speaking, I could use a little more description of your main characters (background chars, no biggie). Kyra gets a decent description in Chp 2, but Mr. Bugle, I have no idea what he looks like.

For what it's worth, I agree with Stormer that Gordon (appropo name for a story named "Dark Knight" :)) seems to lead Kyra to an ugly conclusion a little too easily. Yes, he would suspect that Kyra being an escort could lead to repercussions, but unless he had more evidence, I wouldn't think he would immediately lead Kyra to such a conclusion while the bodies were still moist like that (unless you're trying to present him as a fairly callous cop).

There were a few punctuation error as well I spotted:

"Mr. Bugle rolled his eyes as she walked away, he looked down at his soup and waited for the sound of someone sliding into the seat the Kyra had just occupied only a few moment before."; the comma after "away" should probably be a semi-colon (or a completely seperate sentence).

"The mans ashy blonde hair fell half way down his neck and his clear green eyes looked past Mr. Bugles shoulder, he knew instinctively that he was watching his daughter"

"man's", "Mr. Bugle's".

Good start; I'll keep an eye for future chapters.
4/18/2007 c3 6acriter
It's good but there is a bit of room for improvement in your style of writing,

"A large bleach shock decorated the left side of her hair", it's ok but at first I thought some one had poured bleach on her hair so maybe bleached would be better.

Also would Kyra be so composed as she is after she came home and found her family torn to bits? I think the writing needs to be a little bit stronger to prove this.

Sorry if this is harsh.
4/15/2007 c2 44Stormer
Sometimes your punctuation isn't quite up to par, for e.g.:

'Gordon placed his hands over her trembling ones, “I guess you could say..."' That should be a full stop, not a comma (after 'ones').

And also:

'“So you went out and got a job?” she nodded, “And what job did you find?”'

It should be capitalised - 'She nodded' not 'she nodded'.

Okay, general comments:

It was a bit mean of the cop to plant that idea in her mind - that it might be all her fault her family is dead. Other than that, ew! What a scene to come home to. Poor Kyra.

I'll read more.
4/15/2007 c1 Stormer
I'm guessing he's the evil dude. Seems that way! Just one thing: "gracefully sauntered over to the now television" wasn't sure what you meant. Was that meant to be "new television"?

Anyway, reading on!
4/15/2007 c3 61Dani P
"but I have better things to do that take orders from a man that passed his time fifty years ago.”" i believe you meant than take orders.

again it still isn't much you could prolly just add this to the first chapter their both short enough. can't wait to see more.
4/13/2007 c2 Dani P
interesting so far. i can't say much right now because there is so little to go from but it sounds very promising.
4/13/2007 c2 Pinnaclex3
Haha, I have the same name as the character. Its good so far. Keep up the work.

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