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6/4/2008 c1 39Dahlia Wolffe
Funny opening...
9/5/2007 c22 2Benjamin Cheah
Truth be told, I'm not too familiar with the script format. What scripts I have written are less emotionally charged, and leave more room for actors and viewers to interpret. While I guess the idea is to convey intensity during the action sequences, it doesn't quite come through during the other chapters. You might want to include a glossary of terms somewhere for regular people to refer, without having to guess what the directions mean.

As for the story itself, it's incoherent, with a lot of randomness that could have been tightened or cut out. I'll run my significant comments through all the chapters that have been written.

Chapter 2:

There are two glaring problems here. The first is that Cueball seems to have disappeared altogether. He may still be alive, so we can't forget about him. The second is the existence of urinals in the women's toilet. In my experience, such things do not exist in such places.

On the macro level, there're two question that have to be asked: what is Carradine doing here? What is she doing here? Neither has been answered at this point. For writing or scripting, there has to be a reason for everything, to facilitate suspension of disbelief for guys like myself. Without this foundation, the story doesn't seem to have a backdrop.

Chapter 3:

The dialogue here is, for want of a better word, sloppy. "What were they gonna do to you? Are you a good guy or a bad guy?” doesn't sound natural. Neither does "Should we take that guy's gun?" In my opinion, he should ask after her, while checking up on the dead guys, and her, without asking about the gun. Him being what he is, he'd just pick it up naturally. The conversation that follows, about escape routes, seem unnaturally inserted into the piece, as though added as an afterthought. There's no link between this and the dialogue before.

The search itself should have been performed earlier, before all the talking. It reduces the risk of being surprised that way.

The bit about hooking up is...very jarring. It jolts the reader/viewer out of hisor her suspension of disbelief, by virtue of its randomness.

Chapter 4:

The shooting scene implies that Carradine doesn't care about collateral damage, or about people nearby. Given this, he shoud probably duck low before coming out and firing, and keep moving. His enemy's bullets would (hopefully) pass above him. That'd provide a more plausible explanation for the missed rounds than ascribing it to a script. At the end of it, it's hard to believe that he's reloading; there's no mention of him having picked up any spare ammo earlier.

Why is Jill carrying a gun? She said that she was no good with them; she'd be more of a threat to herself and to Carradine than to the hit men. Carradine would notice that, and take the gun from her.

Chapter 5:

Why are they where they are? There's nothing that suggests how they decided to head to the party, beyond some vague mention of friends. The dialogue here also seems a bit forced, especially the introductions.

Chapter 6:

The dialogue is starting to get random. Nobody is worrying about Jill, about a possibility of an attack, or any related affairs. They're taking it calmly, mentioning threats only near the end. There's nothing to suggest why they're doing this, nor is there any indication that they are mentally unsound - either on drugs, or just plain crazy.

Chapter 8:

Why the kiss? Furthermore, why give the girls guns if they don't know marksmanship or tactics?

Chapter 9:

Carradine has earlier displayed a lack of concern for collateral damage. So why is he caring for the injured party-goer? His medical advice seems very suspicious as well; it's more prudent to get to a hospital, and maybe call in the police. Then comes the John Woo moments, when he fires two guns at the same time, and hits without aiming. That just looks strange, from my perspective. The sudden, somewhat competant, use of tactics by the girls, also contradicts the previous chapter. The dialogue itself is random. It's as though the participants were in a game, not in the middle of a firefight.

Chapter 10:

The dialogue doesn't portray the emotions of four people who have just gone through a firefight. It's random, again, and the sudden introduction of Alex, with no backstory, makes things worse. The girls ought to explain who he is, and his relation to them, so that the audience would know what's going on.

Chapter 11:

Why come to Barnes & Noble? the bit about Carradine breaking down and recovering looks highly suspect and unnatural, not to mention corny. The dialogue itself needs more polishing; it exudes an air of randomness.

Chapter 13:

The dialogue is getting random again. They are talking about trafficking drugs, then asking about hit men, then somehow drifting off to a criticism of Barnes & Noble. It doesn't sound right, and is disheartening to a serious reader.

Chapter 14:

What's going on here? There's no context, no explanation, just Jill and Carradine making out. And then this seems to be forgetten in future chapters.

Chapter 15:

Things are again incoherent, and the dialogue is random. This is especially jarring, because the presence of the three cars implies that things are heating up.

Chapter 16:

Why are the Gang of Four there? Why are they buying guns? What are they doing? What is going on? These questions are hanging in the air, polluting the story.

Chapter 17:

Again, what's happening here? Why are the four preparing for a hit? The dialogue is a bit of a struggle, as it looks a little forced; admittedly, not as much as the other bits.

Chapter 18:

Why go after Alex?

Chapter 20:

This action sequence doesn't remind me of Heat, unfortunately. The movie shootout was intense and realistic, with appropriate use of cover, weapons, and tactics. Here...well, a lot of it is hard to visualise until the end. The shooting is remniscent of John Woo's action cinematograhy, without the bullet time. The shooting should have begun from the beginning, when the guys start seeing targets and firing at them.

Chapter 22:

The action sequence here comes close to intense. However, the bit that incorporated shooting while fast-roping seems strange. In the real world, it's very hard to actually hit something while shooting. But since the action scenes seem to based on John Woo, it's a moot point.

As you can see, the main problems here is with the overall incoherence and instability of the plot, as well as the unnatural dialogue. These need to be fleshed out and polished, in order to further improve your tale. Then there's Musashi as well, who has remained unknown thus far. I hope you can introduce him more smoothly than the other characters. All this aside, your writing is somewhat okay - but can be better.
4/11/2007 c1 Atari Tariyama
"The most remarkable thing is that Musashi’s hair is short, maybe an inch long, whereas Carradine’s hair is relatively long – 5 inches, perhaps, at the longest. More importantly, Carradine’s hair is GRAY-WHITE with some black in it, like something scared the color off him."

I believe there is some fault in the way you are writing.

It is quite boring to hear, "The most remarkable thing," thereby growing excited, only to have it end with, "one guy's hair was short and the other was long".

That is not remarkable, not is it even interesting, especially the way you compared both of them.

It felt like it was droning on and on.

The description of a character, you should note, is hardly as important as his attitude.

Key features should be mentioned, for example, if they love their hair, mention how fine/poor it is so that we get a feel for his personality.

If they always smile, mention the curl turning up the edge of their lips, or if you really want to describe everything, try to do it where it feels as though it MATTERS.

Ah well, other than that, your general writing is not bad. Just work on the description.

- Atari
4/6/2007 c2 39Dahlia Wolffe
This is pretty good so far/ Some of the descriptions are too detailed, but the story is interesting. Very Pulp Fiction. Anyhow, message me if u wanna talk!
4/6/2007 c4 13Dark Sploosh
I'll get this out of the way right now: I've always had issues with stories written in script form.

Now that that's done, I'll say this: I am interested. First of all, I want to find out if the Musashi Miyamoto in this story is the same one from Headache, and whether or not this is a sequel to Headache given the very similar title and style of action. Good job.

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