Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for These White Walls

10/27/2007 c1 1Emily Black
It made my eyes tear up, honest...it's my worst nightmare come true, but written so skillfully that I didn't mind being stuck in it...and unlike Huxley's - whose Brave, new world flitted through my mind as I was reading this - these characters are painfully realistic..

p.s. the detail with Eve and Milton was priceless
10/11/2007 c1 26glittering-dew
wow. amazing imagery and feeling, I could really feel a part of your story. you managed to add flashbacks and a large amount od description, but it only added to the strength and immediacy. Beautiful, please keep writing!
4/3/2007 c1 zz00
Nicely done. The imagery is staggering and the story owes its effectiveness not only to the vocabulary but also to its brevity. This is well-written. The only criticism I have is that there seemed to be a few run-on sentences. That's really it though, and I think its just a preferential thing. Anyhoo, nice work, and thanks for the review.:)

Sorry I took so long to get back to you!:)
4/1/2007 c1 17Corkscrew
I am a huge fan of dystopian-themed writing, because I can honestly see the world heading in that direction. So, of course I couldn't resist reading this.

I think, overrall, the story was good. My favorite part is when he went into drawing similarities between Eve and Lara. The symbolism there was interesting, along with the fact that Milton was banned. Something that always gets me mad about dystopian society. I aslo enjoyed the last paragraph when he buries the flowers. It's touching. His own little attempt at redeaming himself for being quiet and not standing up to the greater power.

Overrall, I think you did a pretty good job at capturing the essence of what such a society is. Perhaps, though, going back and rereading it would be of help. Grammar is always something that sneaks by even the best of us. Usually a reread will help spot out some rigid sentences and make the whole piece flow a lot smoother. Also, the beginning didn't really hook me. The first few lines are everything when it comes to writing. Hooks are not just in essays. It draws the reader in and keeps them wanting to know more.

I don't know if this is more of a "one-shot" piece, but I think this sets up the premise for a series of short stories. About different people and how they live and survive in this dark world you've created. Just a thought.

Like I said, I did enjoy it. Good work! [3.5 out of 5]
4/1/2007 c1 2you'll see
A frightening world.

Well written, I like the effect created by the present tense.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service