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7/28/2008 c1 
4Reine Ayten
The transitions weren't labeled clearly enough for me... I mean, yeah they were there, but maybe you should have left a bit more space inbetween them and the rest of the story, or made them bold... anyways, good plotline otherwise!
4Reine AytenThe transitions weren't labeled clearly enough for me... I mean, yeah they were there, but maybe you should have left a bit more space inbetween them and the rest of the story, or made them bold... anyways, good plotline otherwise!
11/28/2007 c9 6It Was Written
Good job son this just might be my favortie chapter. I'm so excited to wirte and new chapter of Syracho Sword and premiere Whistler. Thanks! Now to the mistakes, not much but some were stupid. I'll call you and tell you them.
6It Was WrittenGood job son this just might be my favortie chapter. I'm so excited to wirte and new chapter of Syracho Sword and premiere Whistler. Thanks! Now to the mistakes, not much but some were stupid. I'll call you and tell you them.
11/1/2007 c8 23ShinjiTakeyama
"He toke a step" toke! :P
"I toke note"
"bring you well with range" within range
and...whoa! huh? Hattori ninjas! lol.
"he observe the whirlpool" observed
"and was looked back" looking?
"over the young mans face" man's
"He gapped in amazement" umm..gasped...or gaped? lol. i think either would work.
i understand why it took you a month to do. i think that was actually one of your best written chapters. a little action, that was pretty clearly described, but also good general scene description as well. :)
how goes the research as well?
hope your next chapter is up and running soon. keep it up!
23ShinjiTakeyama"He toke a step" toke! :P
"I toke note"
"bring you well with range" within range
and...whoa! huh? Hattori ninjas! lol.
"he observe the whirlpool" observed
"and was looked back" looking?
"over the young mans face" man's
"He gapped in amazement" umm..gasped...or gaped? lol. i think either would work.
i understand why it took you a month to do. i think that was actually one of your best written chapters. a little action, that was pretty clearly described, but also good general scene description as well. :)
how goes the research as well?
hope your next chapter is up and running soon. keep it up!
9/29/2007 c6 fanficfreak35
so i skimmed throughc the last couple chapters and they seem better the first. the dialogue got better and there was less cussing good. The problem that i still see is the lack of informatio on the world. Is it still eart? what tiem period is it any background informatio? Whos incharge or the sides what kind of technology is available, stuff like that. good luck.
so i skimmed throughc the last couple chapters and they seem better the first. the dialogue got better and there was less cussing good. The problem that i still see is the lack of informatio on the world. Is it still eart? what tiem period is it any background informatio? Whos incharge or the sides what kind of technology is available, stuff like that. good luck.
9/29/2007 c3 fanficfreak35
You emailed me to get a review here it is.
Please read last paragraph if nothing else.
Like i told your friend your courage and ability to write a story and the oublish it is something to be admired. I'll start with the prologue, it wasn't capturing enough. I assume you were trying to give enough information to draw people in but not enough to give away the polt/story.Well you need more, more detail more excitment something thats going to be like "What the Fuck" but in a good way. I red alot and i find that most authors start their prologues with chapters and excepts from further along in the book. They might use mild battle scenes or something similar. Though the suggestion is probably to mcuh as it would require a whole new rewrite so instead add more detail and make it clearer other then that it's decent enough. Chapter one, confusing i'm going to say the mystery and the sudden dive into the sstory is what you wanted, detail, so yes he s traveling whats the landscape is is dense forest with schrubbery or a hilly valley of tall grass? Whats he do, what does he look like,why was he in the town to begin with will it be covered later, even if its not important give a brief amount of detail but detail none the less. Your dialogue you have to make the author believe each character is different what they say goes a long way into making up their personality. A kings not going to talk like a 13 year old whos practicing being a king. A warrior while he might say some vulgar shit doesn't use a curse word in every sentence a true warrior is one trained in discipline. many fanfiction authors have tried for a badass dont give a shit talk like a wigger and have ruined a brillant story. By all means have him cuss but use in moderation and when the situation requires it.
Your not yet good enough at writing (and i dont mean to sliht you at all) to leave out details surrounding the enviroment and the background for to long with out totally losing your reader. Obviously theirs a plot and its looks like it could be interesting but you need to grap that interest and it was minimal. One of the reasons i dont write is my inability to put the interest i feel in the story onto the paper and its something that you yourself need to find. If you feel strongly about your story and you relay that to your reader their going to enoy your story so much more.
So detail,dialogue and comprhension are what need to be improved.
So i said alot of shit some of it doesnt make sense some of it does i hope you can find what does.
IMPORTANT
Your a good author who just needs practice, this site should help you
Theres a website/forum that i want you to go to and ask for the people to review your story and critique it. they are far more experienced and better at it then i am, plus their writes so they ahve more experience. the website is Its a harry potter fansite but as long as you mention that your whle your story isnt harry potter related you heard that they were a reliable source to come to in regards to reviewing stories you should be alright(flatter them a little) one of them is bound to read your story.
You emailed me to get a review here it is.
Please read last paragraph if nothing else.
Like i told your friend your courage and ability to write a story and the oublish it is something to be admired. I'll start with the prologue, it wasn't capturing enough. I assume you were trying to give enough information to draw people in but not enough to give away the polt/story.Well you need more, more detail more excitment something thats going to be like "What the Fuck" but in a good way. I red alot and i find that most authors start their prologues with chapters and excepts from further along in the book. They might use mild battle scenes or something similar. Though the suggestion is probably to mcuh as it would require a whole new rewrite so instead add more detail and make it clearer other then that it's decent enough. Chapter one, confusing i'm going to say the mystery and the sudden dive into the sstory is what you wanted, detail, so yes he s traveling whats the landscape is is dense forest with schrubbery or a hilly valley of tall grass? Whats he do, what does he look like,why was he in the town to begin with will it be covered later, even if its not important give a brief amount of detail but detail none the less. Your dialogue you have to make the author believe each character is different what they say goes a long way into making up their personality. A kings not going to talk like a 13 year old whos practicing being a king. A warrior while he might say some vulgar shit doesn't use a curse word in every sentence a true warrior is one trained in discipline. many fanfiction authors have tried for a badass dont give a shit talk like a wigger and have ruined a brillant story. By all means have him cuss but use in moderation and when the situation requires it.
Your not yet good enough at writing (and i dont mean to sliht you at all) to leave out details surrounding the enviroment and the background for to long with out totally losing your reader. Obviously theirs a plot and its looks like it could be interesting but you need to grap that interest and it was minimal. One of the reasons i dont write is my inability to put the interest i feel in the story onto the paper and its something that you yourself need to find. If you feel strongly about your story and you relay that to your reader their going to enoy your story so much more.
So detail,dialogue and comprhension are what need to be improved.
So i said alot of shit some of it doesnt make sense some of it does i hope you can find what does.
IMPORTANT
Your a good author who just needs practice, this site should help you
Theres a website/forum that i want you to go to and ask for the people to review your story and critique it. they are far more experienced and better at it then i am, plus their writes so they ahve more experience. the website is Its a harry potter fansite but as long as you mention that your whle your story isnt harry potter related you heard that they were a reliable source to come to in regards to reviewing stories you should be alright(flatter them a little) one of them is bound to read your story.
8/14/2007 c9 Sir Scott
I liked how Carillo dealt with the ninja, it reminded me of Sherlock Holmes. The ugly toke monkey made a couple of appearances in this chapter. Other than that it was very well written.
~SirScott
I liked how Carillo dealt with the ninja, it reminded me of Sherlock Holmes. The ugly toke monkey made a couple of appearances in this chapter. Other than that it was very well written.
~SirScott
8/7/2007 c7 ShinjiTakeyama
"Can’t see to well?" too
the passage about how Valeria killed the first soldier...well...it's a little, inconsistent. first she stabs him, then you say the incision. but an incision is a cut, not a stab. that and blood doesn't spray from a stab, at least not while the sword is still in them, the reason typically being suction. oh they'll bleed, but most likely, even in the case of hitting a really good artery, sprays don't usually happen because the wound is corked by whatever made the wound to begin with.
"as his toke" he took
"and pounced his sword came down at her quickly and heavily" run on sentence
"at her hr speared aimed" also a run on, but also i think you meant to put his spear.
"to promote us”" you need a period before the quotes.
"against the wall stretched a bit" and stretched
i'm not entirely against some forms of humor by any means. but, the Shiro section just didn't do it for me. it was a little childish to begin with, at least the arguing between the two guards who i would assume are two grown men. don't get me wrong, i know plenty of grown men who argue fairly dumbly...but, not even to that degree, which just felt off. and the bit about them being afraid and him acting heroic (which seemed pretty out of place anyways for him to be doing) was like something i'd expect out of...well...i'm not sure. something funimation, like Naruto or whatever.
"and feel the warm liquid" felt
"a brightly light and large hallway, many lanterns were hung up to ceiling" first, it should probably be lit. then, instead of a comma, it should probably be a period. and third, needs to have a "the" before ceiling.
"showed of the luster" off
"out into decorated corridor" the decorated
"to far right" the far right
"as the moved" they moved
i think the only large piece of advice i can give you, is that you need to go over any instance you can think of that you mean "took", because you keep writing "toke", like taking a drag or something lol.
"Can’t see to well?" too
the passage about how Valeria killed the first soldier...well...it's a little, inconsistent. first she stabs him, then you say the incision. but an incision is a cut, not a stab. that and blood doesn't spray from a stab, at least not while the sword is still in them, the reason typically being suction. oh they'll bleed, but most likely, even in the case of hitting a really good artery, sprays don't usually happen because the wound is corked by whatever made the wound to begin with.
"as his toke" he took
"and pounced his sword came down at her quickly and heavily" run on sentence
"at her hr speared aimed" also a run on, but also i think you meant to put his spear.
"to promote us”" you need a period before the quotes.
"against the wall stretched a bit" and stretched
i'm not entirely against some forms of humor by any means. but, the Shiro section just didn't do it for me. it was a little childish to begin with, at least the arguing between the two guards who i would assume are two grown men. don't get me wrong, i know plenty of grown men who argue fairly dumbly...but, not even to that degree, which just felt off. and the bit about them being afraid and him acting heroic (which seemed pretty out of place anyways for him to be doing) was like something i'd expect out of...well...i'm not sure. something funimation, like Naruto or whatever.
"and feel the warm liquid" felt
"a brightly light and large hallway, many lanterns were hung up to ceiling" first, it should probably be lit. then, instead of a comma, it should probably be a period. and third, needs to have a "the" before ceiling.
"showed of the luster" off
"out into decorated corridor" the decorated
"to far right" the far right
"as the moved" they moved
i think the only large piece of advice i can give you, is that you need to go over any instance you can think of that you mean "took", because you keep writing "toke", like taking a drag or something lol.
8/5/2007 c8 Sir Scott
Well, over all your writing and story has improved greatly. I like the relationship between Shiro and Valeria. Nice way top end this chapter with a cliffhanger, you seem to have a way of doing that. Keep up the good work.
~SirScott
Well, over all your writing and story has improved greatly. I like the relationship between Shiro and Valeria. Nice way top end this chapter with a cliffhanger, you seem to have a way of doing that. Keep up the good work.
~SirScott
8/5/2007 c6 Sir Scott
I liked how you added the details of them watching the stars, it made your characters feel more human. I noticed one mistake that you keep making. You keep misspelling the word took the same way, toke. Well, keep up the good work.
~SirScott
I liked how you added the details of them watching the stars, it made your characters feel more human. I noticed one mistake that you keep making. You keep misspelling the word took the same way, toke. Well, keep up the good work.
~SirScott
8/5/2007 c5 Sir Scott
Your battle descriptions were wonderfully done and the cliffhanger was timed well.
The large man rose up to about 5’11” I wanted to make a comment on this sentence. I know that some writers use exact measurements when describing their characters, but I don't think its always a good idea. For one thing, I'm 6'1" and 5'11" doesn't seem that large. I would have said something like: The large man rose to his full height. Let's the reader form what height in their head that they consider to be tall.
~SirScott
Your battle descriptions were wonderfully done and the cliffhanger was timed well.
The large man rose up to about 5’11” I wanted to make a comment on this sentence. I know that some writers use exact measurements when describing their characters, but I don't think its always a good idea. For one thing, I'm 6'1" and 5'11" doesn't seem that large. I would have said something like: The large man rose to his full height. Let's the reader form what height in their head that they consider to be tall.
~SirScott
7/22/2007 c3 Sir Scott
It was kind of funny reading about the head flying through the window.
“Yes sir!” Her said following after her providing back up, leaving the young man behind.
That sentence confused me. Was it Carillo speaking to Valeria or the other way around? I don't think I would be able to pick out the hidden elements to a video game even you told me the name of the game. I can tell that describing action and character's appearances are your strengths in your writing.
~SirScott
It was kind of funny reading about the head flying through the window.
“Yes sir!” Her said following after her providing back up, leaving the young man behind.
That sentence confused me. Was it Carillo speaking to Valeria or the other way around? I don't think I would be able to pick out the hidden elements to a video game even you told me the name of the game. I can tell that describing action and character's appearances are your strengths in your writing.
~SirScott