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for Rune's Children

7/21/2007 c6 23ShinjiTakeyama
the paragraph where Carillo is fighting, seems rushed. i only says this because you use "(subject, He/Carillo) began" on something like three or four sentences. they all started that way. you also lean heavily upon using "then", which if you asked most english teachers or other writers, will say that it has its place, but should be used sparingly in light of other alternatives. otherwise you run the risk of making sentences come out sounding like "and then he began to run up the stairs, and then he came out at the top, then he...etc."

"was know for it" known

"little hat was left" heat

"toke care" took

"looked at the it" lol, what?

during the seven minutes later paragraph. you use he quite a bit. i understand there's really little other way to designate the main subject, other than Carillo, and descriptive ways for 'the man' but it just seems over used. probably the easiest remedy for this, is to combine simple sentences into longer more complex ones and eliminating the subject repetition.

"ironically clear and sunny sky" why is it ironic? and for that matter, i thought the battle was at night. how is it already what seems like noon?

"the days events" day's

"analytically her hair" pause or a break after analytically

"with so troops" no, right?

"what victories all about" victory is, or victories are

"his nature arm" nature arm?

"Sure looked at" lol, think you meant Shiro

“…” those are used for dialogue. you describe the silence, you don't quote an elipses to get the point across.

"Shiro, when you go through that arched entranceway and head left" um, with the 'when' there, it sounds like she's going to instruct him further, which she doesn't do. though, you say they both go through the same archway, but part ways. in that sentence, she says they're both going left.

"He could be on anyone" lol, anyone only works for describing people, so unless "he" is having lots of sex, then it should be any one.

aside from that, it was actually a pretty good chapter. the dialogue was good. i think your scene changes would serve better as actual descriptive sentences rather than how you have it set up now. it's clear how you put it, but it also seems more comic book.
7/14/2007 c5 ShinjiTakeyama
"lowered his self" himself

"stopped himself an inch above the ground before struggling to push himself up again" the thing about this sentence is that you use 'himself' needlessly. it's understood that he's doing the workout, and so saying he pushed himself after stopping himself isn't just a little redundant, but superfluous.

when you wrote about Valeria coming onto the scene, i think you may have used her too much. i understand that it's one of those words that are incredibly hard to substitute for others in order to avoid repetition sometimes. but the thing is (and i'm not an expert on it) when you're doing character descriptions. you don't need to keep readressing the subject when it's only on one character.

"Carrillo replied" period

"but thing something’s" think

"toke this town" took

"The suns rays" possessive

"calming sent of" scent

"partner on the across the gate" so is he on, or across? lol

"flag their waving" their is possessive, they're is indicative of action.

"when say go" I?

"Lives were lost by minute" umm...i know what you're getting at, just need the sentence to say it more clearly.

"he toke out a row" took

"remembering when he was" where

"held his shoulder" not incorrect, i just wanted to suggest changing it to "wound" maybe, since it's already been established that he was shot in the shoulder in the prior sentence.

i should say, sometimes Shiro annoys me. just his bravado, and his mannerisms in general at times seem rather childlike. i'm glad, even though it seemed a little awkward in some ways, that you introduced that side of him about killing. all in all i liked the chapter, especially the end. i always like the idea of ending a chapter on a cliff hanger, it's the best way to keep people interested i think.

one thing about the battle though. why was everyone surprised that they knew the army was coming? they obviously hadn't been trying to hide themselves what with marching on the castle, with lights, and flying their banner.

anyways, good chapter, keep it up :)
7/8/2007 c4 ShinjiTakeyama
"left palm, he pondered" period rather than comma

"How did it happen." question mark

you use "eyes" quite a bit in the beginning. it's good that you tried to mix it up a bit by saying her orbs rather than eyes, but i think it's still overused a bit.

"that your as valuable" you're not your

"equality…So" you don't capitalize the word following an elipses.

"You reasons" your

"to capture the sky. Shiro sat by" this is an instance where it could've and probably should've been a comma rather than a period.

"toke out his" took

so other than that, the thing you might want to keep an eye out for, is actually punctuating the ends of sentences. there were a few times, usually after dialogue i think, where the sentence ends, but you didn't put a period.
7/3/2007 c8 6It Was Written
pretty good spel took correctly every time u write it itz spelled toke. And should Carillo and Valeria look up at the sky they might get shanked ~inside joke~
6/28/2007 c2 12Sir Scott
I liked how the king put the advisor in his place. He does have a point that thinbgs like that snowballs. Keep up the good work, you are starting to introduce more interesting elements to the story.

6/25/2007 c3 23ShinjiTakeyama
"the steps" forgot your period

"She moved quickly onto the battlefield already stabbing her sword through an enemy soldier then with very graceful movement removed her sword cutting off another’s head, next she slashed her sword down in front of the next soldier using her inner energy to extend her swords range slicing him in half." kind of a disjointed feeling runon sentence

"l” One of her comrades commented" gotta remember the punctuation

"toke the soldier" took

"she toke a stance" took again

"never see someone" probably should be seen, for the past tense.

"answered gorging yet another" umm...i don't know what you meant, but it can't be gorging. gorging has to do with eating too much typically. in no way i'm aware of, can it be used, at least not in the way the sentence was written, to describe an action involved in fighting.

"she the rushed" then rushed

"Valeria asked her emotionless, piercing eyes seeming to search his very soul." that's another runon. should be a period or something after the asked.

"he jumped over the soldier, landing powerfully onto his back" confusion. you can't technically jump over something, and land on it at the same time. you can jump above it, then land on it, but over means generally that you've surpassed it.

"He jumped over to her quickly his clothes moving smoothly on the air currents, his hair landing softly on his shoulders, his feet landing lightly on the ground." i noticed that sometimes when you're describing something, whether it is a character, or an action scene, you use the same form of the subject a lot. in this case, his. you could do with far fewer of these sorts of entries, or if you feel the need to address the subject many times in the course of a single sentence, it's best if you think of a different way to do so.

"doing to well" too, not to in this instance

"well, if you’re as powerful" in reality, that should probably be a period.

i'm not sure about what game elements you're talking about really. though it feels somewhat like a dynasty warriors situation.
6/22/2007 c1 12Sir Scott
I liked it. I would have spelled Lite, Light. Lite makes me think of Lite beer or something.

6/20/2007 c2 23ShinjiTakeyama
not bad description. still wanna be careful of runon sentences, though i'm pretty sure that first one is safe. the second one however, is definately one. if not periods, you can use a semicolon in place of one comma, but you'd still need a period for the other i believe.

"removed the gloved and" you left the "d" in there.

one thing i want to point out, that i do most people, is repetition. it's a tricky thing, to try and make sure that each sentence is fairly original, and free of that particular downfall. i try and stick to a law when writing. never to use the same phrase, or major word twice in a narrative sentence. to try my damndest to not use either in two joined sentences. there are some occasions where it is ok, but that is only if you're trying to achieve something. it's alright in dialogue, as we know, that typically people can repeat themselves, and it doesn't sound all that off. but narrative is different, it's where you really need to watch the way you use your words.

for instance, you use hand once in three joined sentences. gloved hand, naked hand, and then his hand. while it isn't a grammatical error, so therefore there is nothing actually wrong with this. it is only a suggestion that you try and mix it up a bit, so it isn't so tedius. after the first hand, you could use "naked flesh" having already established that his hand was now bare due to his removing the glove. it's a difficult task for anatomy, since there can only be so many synonyms. in fact...hand probably has none, unless you get inventive. now for the third sentence, rather than saying he put the glove back on his hand, having used glove in the sentence prior, you could say something like "redressed". obviously there are going to be times this is far easier than this paragraph, and often i find myself rewriting entire portions of story, in order to keep to my own guidelines. whether it's proper or not, i believe personally, it makes for better reading. for that matter, it also makes for better writing, at least as far as keeping your mind fresh with the idea that it should always keep open to change.

"moved forward" forgot the period

"mugged reacting" calls for period

now, instances where a character is thinking to themself, are always somewhat tricky. the reason for this is that sometimes it just sounds...unnatural. like in a movie when you see a guy talking to himself out loud, not because he really would, but for the audience. you could easily just make the comments, internal and make them thought rather than speech.

"What does" i think you meant why

"more hours bags growing" needs a break

"from a behind a desk" too many a's

"menacingly on here" her

"Rplied" forgot the "e"

"behind here before" lol, now you put on an "e" you didn't need

"Imperial army, they" period rather than comma

"he’d decided he work" switch the two forms of he, and it'll sound better

"to next, the plan" period, instead of comma.

"toke his stance" took

"felled to the ground" just fell

"toke a seat" took

"your doing" you're

"advisor”" missed the period

"hell”" here too

"majesty”" last one

so yeah. other than those things. i think there was one other item to think about, but in reality, there's not much that can be done about it as far as formatting goes on this site and all. but as far as for say, books, and such, the entire "Elsewhere/Meanwhile/In the Imperial Court" stuff, is really mostly only suited for comic books. it's not that you can't open a paragraph with that, but it should be more than just that. personally i'm more of a fan of having a scene change, without much explanation. you go from one place, to open on dialogue in the next, but in the course of that first paragraph, you describe where you now are.

in any case, keep on writing. and i'll probably read the next portion tomorrow or so.
6/19/2007 c1 ShinjiTakeyama
"this way though some strayed" there should probably be a period after though.

"many toke a detour" probably meant took

"back what’s they believe" what

ok, so i always review in segments, and in the way you're going to see. i hope you don't take it harshly or anything like that, but i review everybody's work this way, trying to point out grammatical errors and such, but also making suggestions on writing in general. so, that part was the grammatical...at least for the most part.

now an overview. for a short prologue (not that most are particularly long actually) it was fairly good. decent background, and set up for the rest of the story. good use of words. i do think you could benefit on a few occasions by punctuation though. you seem to be a victim of more than one runon sentences. aside from that though, i'd say the only other thing that caught me, was the last line. the way it's written, makes it sound like an 80's fantasy movie to me. where it's narrated in such a way where the narrator is sort of talking to like a group of children or something. like he's telling the story to an audience within the realm of the story itself, rather than just narrating for the reader.
5/24/2007 c7 6It Was Written
Boyo i can't stand u son ima try and hit te 3500 mark just because u hit 30
4/2/2007 c1 It Was Written
Finally you got on here. your story is iight.
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