for Wait For It7/6/2007 c3 
4Amindaya
Haha, I'm tempted to really just write three words. :D But, naw, I really liked it. I like that she has a tendency to sterotype...gives her character a bit more depth.
I liked the thing with Pac Sun nd Hot Topic, and how Avenue walked in the Hollister store for like two seconds and then walked back out...it's another one of those things that hit on true life for me. I have a friend who cringes when we pass Pac Sun in the mall and won't step foot inside. :D
4AmindayaHaha, I'm tempted to really just write three words. :D But, naw, I really liked it. I like that she has a tendency to sterotype...gives her character a bit more depth.
I liked the thing with Pac Sun nd Hot Topic, and how Avenue walked in the Hollister store for like two seconds and then walked back out...it's another one of those things that hit on true life for me. I have a friend who cringes when we pass Pac Sun in the mall and won't step foot inside. :D
7/6/2007 c2 Amindaya
I like Avril, especially since she doesn't fit a stereotype. Actually, every girl I know who has crazy hair is super duper outgoing, so I'm glad this adresses that. And I would totally do that: "I don't know you, but I LOVE your hair."
I don't understand what Avenue has to do with Avril though. Maybe explain why she's called Avenue? Because Avril is French for April.
I like Avril, especially since she doesn't fit a stereotype. Actually, every girl I know who has crazy hair is super duper outgoing, so I'm glad this adresses that. And I would totally do that: "I don't know you, but I LOVE your hair."
I don't understand what Avenue has to do with Avril though. Maybe explain why she's called Avenue? Because Avril is French for April.
7/6/2007 c1 Amindaya
'I just caught my dad sniffing cocaine and I have nowhere to go?' -this made me laugh, because it made me think about my dad doing coke, and that is just...hilarious.
Your sentences are very short and simple, and it makes it very choppy to read. I read another of your stories and thought it was just the style of that particular story, but you write the same way here...consider combining them a little more often to help the flow. I know that you (unlike most FP users) know how to use a semicolom, so excercize your knowledge.
'I just caught my dad sniffing cocaine and I have nowhere to go?' -this made me laugh, because it made me think about my dad doing coke, and that is just...hilarious.
Your sentences are very short and simple, and it makes it very choppy to read. I read another of your stories and thought it was just the style of that particular story, but you write the same way here...consider combining them a little more often to help the flow. I know that you (unlike most FP users) know how to use a semicolom, so excercize your knowledge.
5/5/2007 c3 3The Green One
This has probably been said before, but since I have to scoot I can't go through and make sure.
This feels a little like you're anthropomorphizing your own aspirations. The writing quality isn't bad, but it's not spectacular(though that comes with practice) and thus far there's no plot for me to desperately hand onto to say, 'but the plot! It was SO good!'
But all the brand names, all of the attention the girl's getting. It feels like some marry-sue dropped out of a fan fiction slightly, and I really hope that I'm wrong on that, but that's how she - and her situation - come off.
There are a few recurring character traits I noticed like that(The stereotyping, the shopping, the standing out from her friends and the relationship with her entire family. If there's any way to set it up so she's ready to leave her family(Which I assume is what you're going for) Make is better than an annoying little sister and a 'blond' mom... It seems so trite)
Either way, it's not a *bad* read, but there's so much room for improvement.
3The Green OneThis has probably been said before, but since I have to scoot I can't go through and make sure.
This feels a little like you're anthropomorphizing your own aspirations. The writing quality isn't bad, but it's not spectacular(though that comes with practice) and thus far there's no plot for me to desperately hand onto to say, 'but the plot! It was SO good!'
But all the brand names, all of the attention the girl's getting. It feels like some marry-sue dropped out of a fan fiction slightly, and I really hope that I'm wrong on that, but that's how she - and her situation - come off.
There are a few recurring character traits I noticed like that(The stereotyping, the shopping, the standing out from her friends and the relationship with her entire family. If there's any way to set it up so she's ready to leave her family(Which I assume is what you're going for) Make is better than an annoying little sister and a 'blond' mom... It seems so trite)
Either way, it's not a *bad* read, but there's so much room for improvement.
4/30/2007 c3 3The Royal We
Hey! me again.
The more I see of her, the more I'm getting to like Avenue. Not that I think I could stand being around her, but she's fun to read about. And I like how Ryan keeps picking up random guys... Fun story, so far. And there are no grammar mistakes or spelling errors to distract from the story, either. Your writing style is fun and crisp, it makes the story flow along enjoyably instead of reading through tons of filler and wordcount padding to get through the plotline. (Like my stuff... hah) Not much happened with Dex this chapter, though. I'm still waiting for more, so keep writing, and I hope you figure out how awesome this story is soon. There is no reason not to like this chapter! Or this story, come to think of it!\
Well, Puddles.
~TRW
3The Royal WeHey! me again.
The more I see of her, the more I'm getting to like Avenue. Not that I think I could stand being around her, but she's fun to read about. And I like how Ryan keeps picking up random guys... Fun story, so far. And there are no grammar mistakes or spelling errors to distract from the story, either. Your writing style is fun and crisp, it makes the story flow along enjoyably instead of reading through tons of filler and wordcount padding to get through the plotline. (Like my stuff... hah) Not much happened with Dex this chapter, though. I'm still waiting for more, so keep writing, and I hope you figure out how awesome this story is soon. There is no reason not to like this chapter! Or this story, come to think of it!\
Well, Puddles.
~TRW
4/29/2007 c2 3The Royal We
Three word review? Hah! Trust me, I'm willing to put more time into reviewing a great story than 5 seconds. So, I would like to say:
I'm definitely hooked! I love the plotline, and as a fellow writer I have to say that your character descriptions are admirable. I can see the characters in my head pretty clearly, but without an akward period of detailed descriptions. I can't wait to read more, so I highly reccomend updating as soon as you have the inspiration!
TRW
3The Royal WeThree word review? Hah! Trust me, I'm willing to put more time into reviewing a great story than 5 seconds. So, I would like to say:
I'm definitely hooked! I love the plotline, and as a fellow writer I have to say that your character descriptions are admirable. I can see the characters in my head pretty clearly, but without an akward period of detailed descriptions. I can't wait to read more, so I highly reccomend updating as soon as you have the inspiration!
TRW
4/25/2007 c1 1ThE eXtReMe-WaNnAbEe
totally scary! if my boyfriend hit me, i would pay some guys to come beat him up and then i would dump him...but that's just me.
1ThE eXtReMe-WaNnAbEetotally scary! if my boyfriend hit me, i would pay some guys to come beat him up and then i would dump him...but that's just me.
4/18/2007 c3 3DarkSweetRose
hey, now this is gettin very intersting.;) i'm likin this story alot :) and im wounderin watz going to happen next? can i take a lucky guess on that part? lol :) anywayz keep it up it'z going great ;)
3DarkSweetRosehey, now this is gettin very intersting.;) i'm likin this story alot :) and im wounderin watz going to happen next? can i take a lucky guess on that part? lol :) anywayz keep it up it'z going great ;)
4/18/2007 c2 3xxurunbelievable15
I must say, i think its an okay story, i think there could be improvements made. I didn't like in the second chapter that hes alright with her telling her brother and is like, baby i didn't mean to you know that. I say this, because in almost every case, if a girl was to say that to her abusive boyfriend, he'd hit her until she regreted it. I'll keep an eye on this one, reading wise, and i hope the other chapters are great!
3xxurunbelievable15I must say, i think its an okay story, i think there could be improvements made. I didn't like in the second chapter that hes alright with her telling her brother and is like, baby i didn't mean to you know that. I say this, because in almost every case, if a girl was to say that to her abusive boyfriend, he'd hit her until she regreted it. I'll keep an eye on this one, reading wise, and i hope the other chapters are great!
4/18/2007 c2 44Stormer
In this bit:
Josh knew exactly who is was who said it. “What the hell’s your problem Steve?”
Steve is Raquel’s closest friend, and Josh hates him for it. He’s overly possessive and has fought with Steve numerous times for it.
The second para is in present tense, while the rest of the chapter is in past tense! ;) just thought I'd point it out.
Otherwise the chapter was well written!
44StormerIn this bit:
Josh knew exactly who is was who said it. “What the hell’s your problem Steve?”
Steve is Raquel’s closest friend, and Josh hates him for it. He’s overly possessive and has fought with Steve numerous times for it.
The second para is in present tense, while the rest of the chapter is in past tense! ;) just thought I'd point it out.
Otherwise the chapter was well written!
4/17/2007 c2 3DarkSweetRose
hey im likin this story alot :) plz update soon asap want to know wat happen next :)
3DarkSweetRosehey im likin this story alot :) plz update soon asap want to know wat happen next :)
4/8/2007 c1 44Stormer
First off, some spelling and typo comments:
* "At first she coward in fear" - that should be "cowered".
* "he finally got too explore her." that should be "to", not "too"
* "“Josh, you promised you would wait until I was read!”" - typo there I assume, should be "ready"!
Now, I dunno if this is supposed to be from Racquel's point of view or what - there seems to be NO reason why she'd love him. Maybe you could give us a bit more of her perspective on the good things about them. Surely there'd be something that would've hooked her on him in the first place. Doesn't mean that he should be seen as a great guy, 'cause obviously he's a real bastard. Just saying that it seems unrealistic at this point that she would like him at all.
Anyway, this a very important issue you're tackling here - domestic violence not to mention outright rape. Yucky. I'll read on if you post more!
44StormerFirst off, some spelling and typo comments:
* "At first she coward in fear" - that should be "cowered".
* "he finally got too explore her." that should be "to", not "too"
* "“Josh, you promised you would wait until I was read!”" - typo there I assume, should be "ready"!
Now, I dunno if this is supposed to be from Racquel's point of view or what - there seems to be NO reason why she'd love him. Maybe you could give us a bit more of her perspective on the good things about them. Surely there'd be something that would've hooked her on him in the first place. Doesn't mean that he should be seen as a great guy, 'cause obviously he's a real bastard. Just saying that it seems unrealistic at this point that she would like him at all.
Anyway, this a very important issue you're tackling here - domestic violence not to mention outright rape. Yucky. I'll read on if you post more!