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for Aquarian Destruction: Volume One

8/16/2008 c2 103Jesse the Storyteller
I really like the lines "I have failed you, my love / Exactly how you told me I would." It hints at a mystery, a story that isn't told. However, the very next line... "And yet all of this happened because of my attempts to try and stop the inevitable." It's really long, and it's really particular. It defines too much, the mystery is lost. It's also very jumbly and not very artful - it sounds too boring to be poetry.

I like the ending, and how it was symbollic, but I think the symbol should be played up a little stronger because it's kind of hard to understand.

-Jesse

Attack of the review marathon! (link in profile)
8/16/2008 c1 Jesse the Storyteller
I really like this line: "My Libra thinks in days gone by and fights we've had." If only because I can relate to this deeply and I never would have thought to word it that way. It is excellent.

This line, however, makes no sense to me: "Born of love and loves to much, idealistic, chraming, and enchanting." Was to supposed to be too? That would make more sense, but still be kind of confusing.

I donlt like the mention of Aquarian at the end. It takes away from the power of using the word Libra... throwing in another sign makes it weird. Also, it takes it from I and me... to "her"... I think it would have been more powerful to say "And always has me right where he wants me".

-Jesse

Attack of the review marathon! (link in profile)
1/11/2008 c1 31Lurid Black
Sweet, well written, I see no way of improvement, a really good poem, keep writing!

~Lurid~
4/15/2007 c2 65Nemonus
I like this quite a bit. I am not sure if I'm correct, but it seems to be an examination of art, confidance or lack thereof, and personal growth: if so, you bring these things out of their inherant mundanity and make a good poem out of them. The imagery is smooth. I like the kindof abrupt introduction of "my love", who seems a bit malevolent; however, it would make sense with my personal character for any vague romantic literary pronoun to be malevolent and if that is not what you intended, ignore that comment. Good poem.
4/15/2007 c1 Nemonus
Interesting. The grammar is fine, the freeform rhythm holds itself up, the characterization and relationship is, I think, realistic.
4/14/2007 c1 4The Monkey King of Pirates
Beautifully done!

(TSP)
4/14/2007 c1 23Apollo x
we might or might not be on the same page but i feel you in this poem deep down, everyone that went through this would instantly relate to the words,

great job for something so short
4/14/2007 c1 92burning in effigy
quite beautiful :)

love the emotions and the reference/ imagery of the sky

great job!

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