for A Dark Dream5/20/2011 c1 
13Maximum-Strawberry
This is for the first chapter-
I have to say your writing is error free and flows freely, which is always great to see. But, during the first half of the chapter the story was quite tedious because you made the character describe his appearance, and then made him describe the girls he was looking at right down to the brand of their clothes. The thing is, you should make the reader see, and not actually show them. Also, making the character observe all that makes him painfully self-conscious. It might work in an instance where the character is like a detective or something. Perhaps, if you had used third person POV instead of first, it might have been better.
Nonetheless, I'm going to keep reading because your story looks really interesting. If you have time, you should rewrite some parts because this is really cool, and could be developed for better.
13Maximum-StrawberryThis is for the first chapter-
I have to say your writing is error free and flows freely, which is always great to see. But, during the first half of the chapter the story was quite tedious because you made the character describe his appearance, and then made him describe the girls he was looking at right down to the brand of their clothes. The thing is, you should make the reader see, and not actually show them. Also, making the character observe all that makes him painfully self-conscious. It might work in an instance where the character is like a detective or something. Perhaps, if you had used third person POV instead of first, it might have been better.
Nonetheless, I'm going to keep reading because your story looks really interesting. If you have time, you should rewrite some parts because this is really cool, and could be developed for better.
8/15/2009 c8 Lexy7432
this story is funny, and captivating and I have fallen in luv with it, so if u can even thos been a while plz update soon
this story is funny, and captivating and I have fallen in luv with it, so if u can even thos been a while plz update soon
4/2/2009 c8 4AshleyMichele
poor thing he seems so frustrated , um , what id give to help him wiht that.lol , i like the story and i cnt wait for more! its really great!
4AshleyMichelepoor thing he seems so frustrated , um , what id give to help him wiht that.lol , i like the story and i cnt wait for more! its really great!
12/30/2008 c8 4nemolove1
Hey, great story so far.
although i do kinda feel bad for this guy ha ha lol. cant wait for the next chapter
4nemolove1Hey, great story so far.
although i do kinda feel bad for this guy ha ha lol. cant wait for the next chapter
11/14/2008 c8 ChristianAngel01
Lol This is soo funny I was laughing when I read every chapter ohh my gosh it was too funny I cant wait to read the next chapter :D
Lol This is soo funny I was laughing when I read every chapter ohh my gosh it was too funny I cant wait to read the next chapter :D
5/13/2008 c8 11BlackWolfCub
I love your writting. Though are you going to update as none of your stories are complete which is so annoying as I want to know what happens, I am very impatient!
11BlackWolfCubI love your writting. Though are you going to update as none of your stories are complete which is so annoying as I want to know what happens, I am very impatient!
5/10/2008 c8 6SL Peckham
I really enjoy this story. I love the writing style and whatnot. Normally I wouldn't read a story with like an assasin or some secret thing, but this is good. It's good to have such a mysterious character. The chapters could be longer, but as long as it's updated soon, I don't mind :]
If you've ever watched "Dexter" or read the book it's based on, this story kind of (just kind of) reminds me of it, which is a VERY good thing.
Please update soon!
6SL PeckhamI really enjoy this story. I love the writing style and whatnot. Normally I wouldn't read a story with like an assasin or some secret thing, but this is good. It's good to have such a mysterious character. The chapters could be longer, but as long as it's updated soon, I don't mind :]
If you've ever watched "Dexter" or read the book it's based on, this story kind of (just kind of) reminds me of it, which is a VERY good thing.
Please update soon!