for Jamie Lee3/2/2010 c19 
11MizzMoris
very good job! i liked it. its a cool story line, one i havent heard before.
i like your style of writing but one thing you may want to work on is your sentence structure. most of your sentences are very short and concise where some of them should be connected. it would really help the flow.
one other thing is there were a few gaps. some things that ay not have been explained as best they could. like what exactly happened to Shawn and what kind of group he is in. it was a good story but i felt like it only skimmed the surface of what if could have been. one thing you could try is to not just create your characters in the first chapter but slowly build up who they are and develop them throughout the story.
aside from those two things i thin it was pretty good! keep writing! cant wait to see more!
11MizzMorisvery good job! i liked it. its a cool story line, one i havent heard before.
i like your style of writing but one thing you may want to work on is your sentence structure. most of your sentences are very short and concise where some of them should be connected. it would really help the flow.
one other thing is there were a few gaps. some things that ay not have been explained as best they could. like what exactly happened to Shawn and what kind of group he is in. it was a good story but i felt like it only skimmed the surface of what if could have been. one thing you could try is to not just create your characters in the first chapter but slowly build up who they are and develop them throughout the story.
aside from those two things i thin it was pretty good! keep writing! cant wait to see more!
6/12/2007 c1 DeuxiemeFois
Sad beginning, but well developed and well written. I think it is a good story and I think that it is turning interesting, it is quite good!
Sad beginning, but well developed and well written. I think it is a good story and I think that it is turning interesting, it is quite good!
5/5/2007 c5 2Call me Mars
I. LOVE. FOREVER 21!
@_@ It's my favorite store! Chuck seems nice :]
Jamie and Chuck? Or Jamie and Greg.
Hm.
2Call me MarsI. LOVE. FOREVER 21!
@_@ It's my favorite store! Chuck seems nice :]
Jamie and Chuck? Or Jamie and Greg.
Hm.
4/28/2007 c4 1LAiDYLUCK
Awe. I like this story. It's weird but it keeps you wanting more :) Keep updating!
1LAiDYLUCKAwe. I like this story. It's weird but it keeps you wanting more :) Keep updating!
4/22/2007 c3 8somuchformyhappyending
I'm not religious. At all. But I have a feeling that you are and because of that I'm pretty sure it means something to you so therefore you are allowed to talk about religion as much as you want. it doesn't matter what anybody else says. okay, so update soon!
bec
8somuchformyhappyendingI'm not religious. At all. But I have a feeling that you are and because of that I'm pretty sure it means something to you so therefore you are allowed to talk about religion as much as you want. it doesn't matter what anybody else says. okay, so update soon!
bec
4/22/2007 c2 somuchformyhappyending
hey, I liked this chapter better then the first one to be quite honest because I think the writing flowed much better. keep up the good work and don't get discouraged if you don't have too many readers 'cause eventually more people will get attracted to the story. keep it up!
bec
hey, I liked this chapter better then the first one to be quite honest because I think the writing flowed much better. keep up the good work and don't get discouraged if you don't have too many readers 'cause eventually more people will get attracted to the story. keep it up!
bec
4/22/2007 c1 somuchformyhappyending
This was a good start, but the writing was a little bit stiff. does that make sense? like, not all the sentences flowed. but other then that it was a great start!
bec
This was a good start, but the writing was a little bit stiff. does that make sense? like, not all the sentences flowed. but other then that it was a great start!
bec
4/17/2007 c1 2rubberducky07
that was sad, I think I would have the same reaction to the news too. I like it so far.
-Oh yeah, if there mother knew that he had internal blood, then why didn't she help him, wasnt he supposed to faint? Sorry I'm not really god in doctors things, but my bestfriends dad had internal bleeding and he fainted and thats how we found out, so i was tryying to ask if yu were suppsed to faint or have a heart attack.
Sorry about the long comment I just had to ask or else I wont understand the story properly. :)
2rubberducky07that was sad, I think I would have the same reaction to the news too. I like it so far.
-Oh yeah, if there mother knew that he had internal blood, then why didn't she help him, wasnt he supposed to faint? Sorry I'm not really god in doctors things, but my bestfriends dad had internal bleeding and he fainted and thats how we found out, so i was tryying to ask if yu were suppsed to faint or have a heart attack.
Sorry about the long comment I just had to ask or else I wont understand the story properly. :)