for My First Fantasy Story4/17/2007 c1 Patrick McGill
I must agree with the person before me.
This shows you are entirely capable of coming up with ideas, which is good for an author. Secondly, it shows you have some mastery over the English language and how it works, which is another good thing. Now, with these two in mind, I really do believe that you could turn this one little piece into a large chunk of novel.
Constantly beaten into my head by my teachers and masters is the phrase, "Show, do not tell!" Action, speech, and literary timing are what would turn this piece into something I would enjoy to read immensely. Anyway, whatever you choose to do, good luck!
I must agree with the person before me.
This shows you are entirely capable of coming up with ideas, which is good for an author. Secondly, it shows you have some mastery over the English language and how it works, which is another good thing. Now, with these two in mind, I really do believe that you could turn this one little piece into a large chunk of novel.
Constantly beaten into my head by my teachers and masters is the phrase, "Show, do not tell!" Action, speech, and literary timing are what would turn this piece into something I would enjoy to read immensely. Anyway, whatever you choose to do, good luck!
4/17/2007 c1 
1MyNameIsMad
Good so far, but you could have made this the entire story. You should have given us this information over ten or fifteen chapters, not one. It was a bit of an info-dump.
It's also the slightest bit cliche. It's good, and not all cliches are bad, but the one where you've got a young thirteen-year-old girl who's gonna save the world or fight the bad guy or learn things that only grown men are alowed to learn.
Again, not bad, but a bit trite. I'm not a big fan of Eragon either, because of the same reason. It's the same ol' "farm boy becomes the last of the *enter supposedly extinct exclusive group* and fights the *enter name of overbearing and unrealistically evil source of antagonism* to save *enter name of vaguely Medieval-like fantasy setting*.
Wow, I'm ranting, aren't I? Sorry about that. I just don't like Christopher Paolini. Your story here can be awesome, and you've got all the elements to make it that way. As it stands now, you've given us a synopsis. All bone and no meat, if you catch my drift. Work on it and I'm sure you'll come up with something that everyone can enjoy!
-Mad
1MyNameIsMadGood so far, but you could have made this the entire story. You should have given us this information over ten or fifteen chapters, not one. It was a bit of an info-dump.
It's also the slightest bit cliche. It's good, and not all cliches are bad, but the one where you've got a young thirteen-year-old girl who's gonna save the world or fight the bad guy or learn things that only grown men are alowed to learn.
Again, not bad, but a bit trite. I'm not a big fan of Eragon either, because of the same reason. It's the same ol' "farm boy becomes the last of the *enter supposedly extinct exclusive group* and fights the *enter name of overbearing and unrealistically evil source of antagonism* to save *enter name of vaguely Medieval-like fantasy setting*.
Wow, I'm ranting, aren't I? Sorry about that. I just don't like Christopher Paolini. Your story here can be awesome, and you've got all the elements to make it that way. As it stands now, you've given us a synopsis. All bone and no meat, if you catch my drift. Work on it and I'm sure you'll come up with something that everyone can enjoy!
-Mad