for Not Everybody's Life Can be a Fairytale4/25/2007 c5 A River In Egypt
Hm...the plot thickens. :) Another great chapter. Loved this line when they were shopping:
“Kay! Let’s go get it and get outta here!” She also knew I would have agreed to buy the ugliest dress in the store to get out of shopping for another minute.
He he, it just reminded me of some of my friends, lol- sadly, I'm probably more like Allison, who loves to shop. I also really liked the little side story about how Cassy and Allison met, it made me smile. One thing: Sometimes during the dialouge you don't show the characters' emotions, and it can be a little confusing, trying to guess their tone. For example:
“Cassandra Evans. You get in that car this instant and drive us to the nearest mall!”
Dang. She’s scary when she’s determined.
(Ha, love Cassy's little thought, by the way) It just seems like if you explained Allison's facial expression or how her voice was raised, etc. it could add to the story, you know? Oh well, it's kind of hard to explain, lol. Can't wait for the dance- and who's Stephen?
Hm...the plot thickens. :) Another great chapter. Loved this line when they were shopping:
“Kay! Let’s go get it and get outta here!” She also knew I would have agreed to buy the ugliest dress in the store to get out of shopping for another minute.
He he, it just reminded me of some of my friends, lol- sadly, I'm probably more like Allison, who loves to shop. I also really liked the little side story about how Cassy and Allison met, it made me smile. One thing: Sometimes during the dialouge you don't show the characters' emotions, and it can be a little confusing, trying to guess their tone. For example:
“Cassandra Evans. You get in that car this instant and drive us to the nearest mall!”
Dang. She’s scary when she’s determined.
(Ha, love Cassy's little thought, by the way) It just seems like if you explained Allison's facial expression or how her voice was raised, etc. it could add to the story, you know? Oh well, it's kind of hard to explain, lol. Can't wait for the dance- and who's Stephen?
4/18/2007 c4 A River In Egypt
Good chappie! Colby opening up seemed a little random, it almost seemed like it was too soon? Maybe they just have a cool connection already...Some of the dialouge was a little awkward, but other than that I can't wait for the next update.
Good chappie! Colby opening up seemed a little random, it almost seemed like it was too soon? Maybe they just have a cool connection already...Some of the dialouge was a little awkward, but other than that I can't wait for the next update.
4/18/2007 c2 A River In Egypt
Properties of a Good Fic:
Good spelling/grammer (check)
Good length chapters (check)
Good plotline (check)
Hot guy :b (check)
Great start!
Properties of a Good Fic:
Good spelling/grammer (check)
Good length chapters (check)
Good plotline (check)
Hot guy :b (check)
Great start!
4/18/2007 c4 FireFallon
Gah, please update soon! :) Colby is full of mysteries, can't wait for the next chapter, it'll be interesting to see what happens to their relationship.
Gah, please update soon! :) Colby is full of mysteries, can't wait for the next chapter, it'll be interesting to see what happens to their relationship.