for Hallucigenia Sparsa4/27/2007 c1 
6Indie Tangles
"to fill the white silence that hung so densely in the bleached air"
That's my favorite line, I think.
This is really good, and you're really fabulous with words.
6Indie Tangles"to fill the white silence that hung so densely in the bleached air"
That's my favorite line, I think.
This is really good, and you're really fabulous with words.
4/25/2007 c2 3FoxyGrampa
Getting pretty eerie, here. *shudders* XD Kinda creepin' me out, actually; which is hard to do, so kudos.
My only problem with this chapter was just the part where Dante was supposed to be shot. It was kind of odd, and I didn't know what was going on, so I didn't really have time to feel shocked along with Edmund. Maybe that's what you intended, but I'm just initially saying. I thought he had hit his head on the sledghammer or something. 8D; It was odd.
But yeah. I hope you continue this soon.
3FoxyGrampaGetting pretty eerie, here. *shudders* XD Kinda creepin' me out, actually; which is hard to do, so kudos.
My only problem with this chapter was just the part where Dante was supposed to be shot. It was kind of odd, and I didn't know what was going on, so I didn't really have time to feel shocked along with Edmund. Maybe that's what you intended, but I'm just initially saying. I thought he had hit his head on the sledghammer or something. 8D; It was odd.
But yeah. I hope you continue this soon.
4/25/2007 c1 FoxyGrampa
Not bad, so far. My only comment is on the formatting; the paragraphs are very blocky, and though your writing is very well done, the blockyness makes it harder to read. If you can seperate it all into smaller paragraphs, it'd make the piece a cleaner read. Especially when a new speaker talks. I noticed you didn't do that at least in one instance.
Other than that, I think I'll be reading on.
Not bad, so far. My only comment is on the formatting; the paragraphs are very blocky, and though your writing is very well done, the blockyness makes it harder to read. If you can seperate it all into smaller paragraphs, it'd make the piece a cleaner read. Especially when a new speaker talks. I noticed you didn't do that at least in one instance.
Other than that, I think I'll be reading on.