for Symphony of Stars7/3/2007 c3 
65Nemonus
Seems there's trouble here: "Shent shook his broad shoulders to purge them of the snow that had accumulated on his shaggy white fur had leaned into the wind..."
Good detail about the snow, giving it a alien, magical feel.
"Shent’s blood boiled with a fearsome rage and he ran towards the scene, aching to fight and destroy, to dig his claws into enemy flesh and be rent in return, all the while knowing he was powerless to act." I am fond of this sentence. Good rhythm perhaps.
"Shent’s soldier’s kept up with him..." No second apostraphe needed.
"an alloy that passed through the electro armor without be[ing] deflected."
"I think it only kept beating out [of] spite.”" Good line though.
Interesting fight. Shent does badly at first, but the end is heroic. I'd like some more description of these aliens because I've got nothing but my assumption (and yours too I think) that they're large polar bears, which is improbable.
65NemonusSeems there's trouble here: "Shent shook his broad shoulders to purge them of the snow that had accumulated on his shaggy white fur had leaned into the wind..."
Good detail about the snow, giving it a alien, magical feel.
"Shent’s blood boiled with a fearsome rage and he ran towards the scene, aching to fight and destroy, to dig his claws into enemy flesh and be rent in return, all the while knowing he was powerless to act." I am fond of this sentence. Good rhythm perhaps.
"Shent’s soldier’s kept up with him..." No second apostraphe needed.
"an alloy that passed through the electro armor without be[ing] deflected."
"I think it only kept beating out [of] spite.”" Good line though.
Interesting fight. Shent does badly at first, but the end is heroic. I'd like some more description of these aliens because I've got nothing but my assumption (and yours too I think) that they're large polar bears, which is improbable.
5/15/2007 c2 17penguinfragger
Good chapter. I like the structure you seem to be giving your story, like a play. This chapter gives us a much more general view of the galaxy, particularly the Terran bit. I enjoyed the Aztec-styled names in here...quite original for a space opera story. Good stuff, keep it up!
17penguinfraggerGood chapter. I like the structure you seem to be giving your story, like a play. This chapter gives us a much more general view of the galaxy, particularly the Terran bit. I enjoyed the Aztec-styled names in here...quite original for a space opera story. Good stuff, keep it up!
5/15/2007 c1 penguinfragger
Great introduction to a story, the end was unexpected but quite fun. I liked the comparison of Sana's figure to the Reaper. Very good way of giving the reader an overall feeling for the character. I picked up a couple of typos:
- Second paragraph: "A light breeze ruffled his sandy brown hair, cut short because of the heat, which only slightly less intolerable than the dust." I think you forgot "was", or whatever other verb you meant.
- About halfway: "Luckily, his first impulse to be hospital was well received." I'mn guessing you meant "hospitable" and not hospital.
Anyway, good beginning! Another story to follow, neat! I'll stay tuned :-)
Great introduction to a story, the end was unexpected but quite fun. I liked the comparison of Sana's figure to the Reaper. Very good way of giving the reader an overall feeling for the character. I picked up a couple of typos:
- Second paragraph: "A light breeze ruffled his sandy brown hair, cut short because of the heat, which only slightly less intolerable than the dust." I think you forgot "was", or whatever other verb you meant.
- About halfway: "Luckily, his first impulse to be hospital was well received." I'mn guessing you meant "hospitable" and not hospital.
Anyway, good beginning! Another story to follow, neat! I'll stay tuned :-)
5/8/2007 c2 Nemonus
The prose is consistently good. "which the ships[apostraphe] onboard computer"
lol, the Aztec-sounding name for the feathered serpent aliens.
I'd like more description of them, especially of their faces. If they eat fruit, their faces aren't going to be structured like snake's.
Your technology and galactic government is not very original, but so far makes sense.
lol, the hug was unexpected. Will that tie into the princess' overall character?
"From the corner, Thoque, had memorized" doesn't need the apostraphes.
Pretty good.
The prose is consistently good. "which the ships[apostraphe] onboard computer"
lol, the Aztec-sounding name for the feathered serpent aliens.
I'd like more description of them, especially of their faces. If they eat fruit, their faces aren't going to be structured like snake's.
Your technology and galactic government is not very original, but so far makes sense.
lol, the hug was unexpected. Will that tie into the princess' overall character?
"From the corner, Thoque, had memorized" doesn't need the apostraphes.
Pretty good.
4/27/2007 c1 65Nemonus
I like how you open the story with a very close scene which sets its reality. The sounds do too. I like how humanly you characterize Span with "The young man held a clipboard and a pair of binoculars as if he were afraid that they would escape."
"A figure in torn black robes was crouched low over a grav-bike; the great speed of the bike caused the black robes to billow out behind like shadowy flames." This struck me as having been done before, perhaps a few times.
"irrational wives tales" needs an apostraphe on the second word.
"first impulse to be hospital " should include 'hospitable'.
The diggers seem surprisingly accepting and capable of psychic speech. Also, Zorba tells her his relevant life history and the purpose of the "secret" dig without qualm. Why is he trusting? I'd definatly get suspicious after hearing "So no one really knows where you are?".
Interesting. You write pretty well and because of the summary and your skill I want to stick around and see where this story goes (and how you handle the "five great races").
65NemonusI like how you open the story with a very close scene which sets its reality. The sounds do too. I like how humanly you characterize Span with "The young man held a clipboard and a pair of binoculars as if he were afraid that they would escape."
"A figure in torn black robes was crouched low over a grav-bike; the great speed of the bike caused the black robes to billow out behind like shadowy flames." This struck me as having been done before, perhaps a few times.
"irrational wives tales" needs an apostraphe on the second word.
"first impulse to be hospital " should include 'hospitable'.
The diggers seem surprisingly accepting and capable of psychic speech. Also, Zorba tells her his relevant life history and the purpose of the "secret" dig without qualm. Why is he trusting? I'd definatly get suspicious after hearing "So no one really knows where you are?".
Interesting. You write pretty well and because of the summary and your skill I want to stick around and see where this story goes (and how you handle the "five great races").