for Answer the phone3/14/2009 c1 
6Kalista Jia
Instead you pushed him away.
And now you cant pull him back
So you stand and watch him fade to black.
Selfish feelings of sudden regret flood your mind
‘I wish I had done something, I wish I was kind.’
(I am making a parallel to one of my stories, Little Lily of the Valley, though I havent post that part yet, except my charac didnt kill himself _
6Kalista JiaInstead you pushed him away.
And now you cant pull him back
So you stand and watch him fade to black.
Selfish feelings of sudden regret flood your mind
‘I wish I had done something, I wish I was kind.’
(I am making a parallel to one of my stories, Little Lily of the Valley, though I havent post that part yet, except my charac didnt kill himself _
5/4/2007 c1 15x-kit-x
Well i'm glad I finally got around to reading this because i've had your alert just waiting there for a while. As you know, I don't read poetry all that often even though I "attempt" to write it... but this was good... and I didn't have to stop from boredom once :D *is proud*
The only thing i'd say is to check your spelling of "brake" on the first line... is it deliberate? All other errors I spotted, and any other suggestions i'd make have been made.
I love the whole idea, and you've written it well :)
15x-kit-xWell i'm glad I finally got around to reading this because i've had your alert just waiting there for a while. As you know, I don't read poetry all that often even though I "attempt" to write it... but this was good... and I didn't have to stop from boredom once :D *is proud*
The only thing i'd say is to check your spelling of "brake" on the first line... is it deliberate? All other errors I spotted, and any other suggestions i'd make have been made.
I love the whole idea, and you've written it well :)
5/3/2007 c1 19A. Harrison
I'm going to comment as I read, so I apologize in advance for the random bits.
"You cant put people down
Who’ve spent a lifetime on the ground." - Maybe reword the second line so it reads 'who've spent their life there.' if you have it as is - it repeats too much.
Can’t erase the scars from his arm. - Loved it.
Instead you irritated matters.
Instead you pushed him away. - Uh. It sounds good, just not where you put it. Maybe make the line rhyme off the previous one? This here doesn't help it flow as smoothly as you can do.
Selfish feelings of sudden regret flood your mind - You don't need the word "sudden" flood describes this well enough.
And as the blood poured from his wrists his life drained. - Drop "His life drained" it'll add a more dramatic effect.
If only you’d have acted sooner; he’d have know this wasn’t his best. - Oh! Oh! Typo! Can you find it?
As he left you for good, he ignored the ringing of that phone - possibly reword to: "He left you for good - ignored the ringing phone"
Your poem...just kind of stops. Try and make it come to more of a close.
Overall - good job. =]
19A. HarrisonI'm going to comment as I read, so I apologize in advance for the random bits.
"You cant put people down
Who’ve spent a lifetime on the ground." - Maybe reword the second line so it reads 'who've spent their life there.' if you have it as is - it repeats too much.
Can’t erase the scars from his arm. - Loved it.
Instead you irritated matters.
Instead you pushed him away. - Uh. It sounds good, just not where you put it. Maybe make the line rhyme off the previous one? This here doesn't help it flow as smoothly as you can do.
Selfish feelings of sudden regret flood your mind - You don't need the word "sudden" flood describes this well enough.
And as the blood poured from his wrists his life drained. - Drop "His life drained" it'll add a more dramatic effect.
If only you’d have acted sooner; he’d have know this wasn’t his best. - Oh! Oh! Typo! Can you find it?
As he left you for good, he ignored the ringing of that phone - possibly reword to: "He left you for good - ignored the ringing phone"
Your poem...just kind of stops. Try and make it come to more of a close.
Overall - good job. =]
5/3/2007 c1 17aridelaine
Overall it was good and I liked it. the line "So you stand and watch him fade to black." could be improved by just getting rid of "to black". Other than that I really liked it!
17aridelaineOverall it was good and I liked it. the line "So you stand and watch him fade to black." could be improved by just getting rid of "to black". Other than that I really liked it!