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5/4/2007 c1 1JJSLAM2129
The fantasy aspect of this story is turning out alright and the story could go anywhere at this point. As far as I can tell, the story holds little error with grammar and spelling. Problem? Well, there are a few logical and literary fallicies that I feel you shouldn't igonre.

Small things:

- 'Quite' should be 'quiet'. Careful, especially since the word stands alone, it draws attention.

- Watch your use of accents. If you're going to use a mock Jamacian accent, at least keep it consistent.

- About the stuff in parentheses in the beginning... Get rid of them. You don't have to compare our world to theirs. If they have winters without snow, then call it a snowless winter. It just detracts from the writing when the author just has to pop their little heads in a tell us something that they should just blend into the narrative.

- Okay, now, Mama Rafree was just freaking out about the three girls running off and then once she finds them, it's suddenly okay for them to just go off running again? If these girls are so SPECIAL, then wouldn't the WISE magician be WISE enough to keep them in eyesight and out of harm's way? If I'm following the cliche right, a DARK force will inevitably attack, so prepare for that.

Big things:

- Lots and LOTS of overused literary elements (magically endowed children with distinct personalities raised by a great and wise magician, complete with a goofy sidekick and magical guardians). For new writers especially (and this isn't to say you are), the idea of using story elements to save you some thinking is very tempting. Problem is, when it's used too much, it becomes OVERused and inevitably becomes cliched. Give your story a little more twist to it, something that doesn't make it like every other fantasy story out there.

- The three girls (Dawn, Day and Dusk... also a tired out set of three names) fit the mold of what's called a Mary-Sue. Definition: an attractive looking girl with super abilities whom is considered a hero with lifting a finger (usually by prophecy or some deus ex machina). Advice? Give them some flaws, something that makes them human. I don't care that you think "Well, this is a fantasy story so anything can happen!". Cod's wallop, they're three small girls who grew up having no birth parents and have magical abilities that somebody's not going to like. And they're all okay with this? Make them think, they aren't avatars!

- You are telling the reader FAR, far too much in your writing. Add some mystery to your writing, you don't have to reveal right away who everyone is and what everyone thinks of them... And please, there has to be at least one person in the entire world who doen't like Mama Rafree. And the whole part where you tell the reader the girls' powers is completely unnecessary and feels like a scar in a perfectly sanded stone. Have faith in your readers that they can eventually figure things out for themselves and have faith in yourself as a writer that you can competently paint the picture.

This is meant to help you improve your writing, not attack you personally. The latter would be completely against my code. If you don't even want to hear what I have to say again, then tell me to shut up. I certainly think this story can improve, seeing as this only the first chapter, but this first chapter is my first impression. Keep that in mind. G

ood luck with further writing! ( :: )

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