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for The Prince and the Assassin

5/8/2007 c1 37TaltushMeiMei
First off, I think the beginning paragraph is too long. There's descriptive and vivid, and then there's too much. This is too much. You describe everything in ONE paragraph. It should at least be broken up. The start didn't really just suck me in either, because suddenly I saw all these words, and it was difficult to take in. It was also very difficult to keep track of the characters in this piece, partly because you didn't name the two men (and so it was "the first man" and "the other"... I still can't keep track), and partly because you kept mentioning people and names and concepts without fully explaining everything.

Some examples: "For the years ... so he only nodded. "What happened to Cadir?" he asked". What "he" are you referring to? It's impossible to tell. The whole piece is filled with these, and it's very difficult to keep track of anything. It takes too long for you to give them their "names". Very, very confusing. There are also a bunch of mistakes. For example, "assassin's came". You mean "assassins". Similarly, "had bought the poison's and thing's they found". Poisons. Things.

Your story was confusing, and difficult to understand. The end was clearer. The writing quality is clear, but if as a reader I can't understand what you wrote, that's partially a writing failure (no offense intended, I mean that it needs work). This needs work to clear up what I've mentioned. I think this has potential to be good, but first you've got to make sure the basics are clear. I hope I was helpful, and good luck.
5/7/2007 c1 kjnhgtfrdefgh
This seems interesting, I'd love for you to continue.
5/7/2007 c1 4They call me Tamara
Hm. The description at the start needs some work, it is difficult to like and monotonous, it was hard not to skip through it. Also, I quite like unusual names, but find the ones you have used to be a little hard to grasp. I don't want to have to be wondering how to pronounce things when I'm reading, I just like it to flow. Other than those minor criticisms, I am interested in the concept.

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